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(66 Posts)
nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 18:34:06

I just graduated. I received a card from all my loved ones apart from my boyfriend. We have been together over 4 years and he's been supportive of my degree in the most.

I don't understand, they are on the mantle, he's seen them. Got a few gifts yesterday from my mum, but still nothing today. Just a cheap 79p card would have been fine.

When I found out I had won an award and had to go to a special ceremony before the main graduation ceremony, he said 'cool' and then proceeded to ask me what time we have to leave now and other questions as though he was more irritated than happy.

He's said things to suggest that 'the world is my oyster and I can get a job anywhere', he is insecure and this has always caused conflict as I'm not, in fact I'm very outgoing.

I've posted a few times over the last 2yrs and I always come back to the same turmoil of whether to stay with him. We had a big row around Christmas where I said I wasn't happy and was thinking of whether we had a future or not, he said he would change, and did.. But it's things like this that make me wonder if he acting? Just wanting to get a house and family..

He made a fuss when I mentioned buying a smart/casual outfit got the graduation, even though he's a good looking and slim bloke, so he isn't self conscious or anything. He also made a fuss when I asked him to drive as his car is more reliable and I would be nervous and distracted.

I've been thinking of relocating for a job if I get offered one, and I know he won't want to.. I just don't know what on earth to do anymore...

I know you'll say the same as you have said before (I'm looking at you cogito) lol, but HOW do you decide?

I'm 30, have my own online business and no kids or financial ties..

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 18:35:40

To clarify, I think it's him that just wants a house and kids.. I would like to travel / work abroad.

Sorry if I drip feed, just so much of this iceberg is below the waterline.

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 18:37:37

To add also, most of my cards came when I got my grades about a month ago, so he's had time to sort it out for the graduation yesterday.

TreborMint Thu 25-Jul-13 18:38:57

Many congrats!

Your DP sounds jealous, very insecure and a bit mean to be honest ie he should've at least congratulated you properly and even if he didn't purchase a present, he could've shown how pleased he was and supported you more.

I don't know your back story but in terms of what you've written above, I wouldn't waste any time. You're young, intelligent and probably have some fantastic opportunities ahead of you.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 25-Jul-13 18:41:37

He's envious and resentful and it sounds like he just wants to use your aheivements to pad his own life with things he cannot achieve himself (house, security). But he will never celebrate you or give you the support you need.

Leave him. It's a no-brainer. Stop hanging on. He's making his feelings clear. You don't sound compatible at all, either.

BloomingRose Thu 25-Jul-13 18:43:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloomingRose Thu 25-Jul-13 18:48:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 18:53:05

Congratulations! So you were running an online business at the same time as studying? That's fantastic, really.

I think I remember you! Didn't everyone tell you to leave him? (Mind you, that's not unique on here!)

Personally, I think he's jealous and trying to minimise your achievements. He's frightened you will reach your potential and move away and travel and do all those things he is too scared to do.

Is your business one you could run from anywhere in the world?

In my opinion, you're 30, you're young, hardworking, successful. If you want to travel now, do it. If you want to work abroad, do it. He'll be miserable unless you're doing nothing like him.

Make the most of your life.

MadBusLady Thu 25-Jul-13 18:54:00

I'm a little puzzled. I haven't read your previous threads. Is he jealous of your success? I would never have deduced that from not buying a card (wouldn't occur to me to buy graduation cards TBH), and not wanting to drive to an event (a bit churlish of him, but there could be all kinds of reasons). It sounds more like he's just generally unenthusiastic about life. Which can be a bit of a downer, certainly.

When you say how do you decide, it's usually about weighing up positives and negatives. So what are the positives about him?

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 18:58:46

Thanks very much for the replies, I feel like I want to ask him why he didn't get me a card, but I don't know if its worth the fall out really.

I think he is jealous, most of the time he's seemingly been supportive of my degree, but I'm wondering if he just likes the drama in things, seeing me struggle and worry about my grades and knowing I'm working late into the evenings whilst he falls asleep on the sofa. It's almost as though, now I've got a First and an award on top of that, he's worried that I'm now going to leave. Why he didn't make a fuss about things I don't know? I would have for him.. I would have got a card, a meaningful gift and probably loads of balloons or something silly. I even heard him shuffling about late the night before my graduation and I thought he was putting up some congratulations banners / balloons etc.. But he wasn't and I was so disappointed. I feel like I'm being a spoilt brat about it, but I really don't think I am.

He's always been awkward and insecure and he definitely not into academia, which wasn't a problem for me, but maybe it is for him?

I feel trapped.. And confused.

He's got a good job but he hates it as his boss is always on at him apparently, but again, he loves to play the victim, and despite many attempts to help him either get a new job or consider his options, he doesn't do anything proactive and I'm getting tired of the same moaning from him every day. He got lots of savings and is financially stable. His mum is very off with me and always has been, he doesn't see any other family.. I've got a large family scattered around the globe and I'm now scared of moving to another country for a good job. Where I live isn't my home town, so I've moved about over the years, I don't think he'll move and I feel like its holding me back.

Busybusybust Thu 25-Jul-13 18:59:59

You've outgrown him haven't you OP. Time for you to move on. Dump him.

Numberlock Thu 25-Jul-13 19:04:07

I'm scared of moving to another country for a good job

Come on OP, time to ditch the loser boyfriend. You've studied hard and got a first and you're really going to let him hold you back?

He's really warped your thinking hasn't he...

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 19:04:54

He's a miserable bloke, isn't he? I've re-read some of your old threads and he was dodgy back in 2011!

Fantastic that you got a First - I remember you were obviously working really hard. Congratulations.

How could he not do something to celebrate that? What a miserable man he is.

So come on, think of your future. Let him move back in with his miserable mother. Set off on your travels. Why not have six months where you go to visit your family overseas and just have an adventure?

ofmiceandmen Thu 25-Jul-13 19:04:57

I'm with Madbus - haven't read your precious thread and can't really see below the water line.

This is going to be uncomfortable reading:
I think he senses that you want more, perhaps more than him, and this graduation is the catalyst for you to act. Did you stay because it was easier during your studies? did he feel you did?
You are making wholesale decisions about travelling, relocating etc etc I don't really see him in any of your plans? i think he senses that.

You're the successful bloke who's wife suddenly see's him gaining promotion and he thinks "right this is where we are heading- 2 kids, suburbs, new car" without looking over his shoulder to see his wife wondering "kids, SAHM, where do I get a say in this".

Have you worked together to see how he can raise his prospects, have you been as supportive as he has been in him improving his life?

Numberlock Thu 25-Jul-13 19:06:50

I missed the bit where he's been supportive or her mice?

ofmiceandmen Thu 25-Jul-13 19:09:30

Num i read this bit

"We have been together over 4 years and he's been supportive of my degree in the most"

ArgyMargy Thu 25-Jul-13 19:10:08

If he is like this now, how will he cope when you start earning more than him? I don't think the future looks bright for you as a couple. hmm

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 19:10:56

He's felt threatened all along, and instead of rising to the challenge and aiming high, he's resented you your potential.

Take this opportunity now to change your life. You don't want to be on here in 2015, moaning about his miserable nature.

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 19:11:06

Madbuslady - I wouldn't have thought he was jealous at first, but I think he's jealous in so far as I've archived something which gives me options, he doesn't have many work options (he says) and hates his job and I think he jealous that I can move on in something I love.

Good points. He's very loyal and would make a great father to any kids we had. He can be very fun company. He makes me laugh.

Bad points. He hates anything new. Doesn't like the socialise and then slags people off when we do. Lack of conversation. He makes hundreds of jokes that aren't funny and wonders why I'm not laughing or if he finds something that's funny he'll go on about it until its not funny anymore. Lack of initiative.

Also, this year I noticed he was ramping up the pressure for sex, especially when I'm tired and stressed. A couple of times he's sulked and I've had it out with him, but he's denied it. I'm not stupid though. Considering he was very backwards about sex when we met, and I've brought him out of his shell a lot, and was very patient with him, so this annoys and worries me. I feel as though its a control thing, a test almost, to see of I still want him.

He's also very crass about sex, and goes on about our sex life all the time which irritates me. It's always pre-arranged during the daytime and always have to be showered beforehand. I've had a previous long term partner of 8.5yrs and I don't remember showering or every pre-arranging our sex life.

Also, I've noticed this year he's been leaving the food shopping for me to pay for. We are 50/50 on everything and earn similar amounts. Even when I earned half his wage it was the same. I brought it up recently and he started buying more shipping, but I felt pretty annoyed about it. He's got a lot more savings that me.

Ad yes, I worked full time in my business, and went Uni for lessons and worked all evenings and weekends.. I'm so glad it's over lol.


ofmiceandmen Thu 25-Jul-13 19:11:41

But it sounds as though you have out grown him, whatever the reasons. and there isn't enough in the relationship tank to see you past the degree and the next few years.

Time to leave before it slides into a negative, resentful process for both.

Good luck.

PerchedOnMyPeddleStool Thu 25-Jul-13 19:15:40

I think Busybusybust hit the nail on the head.
Move on OP and live YOUR life, not the life someone else wants

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 19:16:19

Cross posts with a few people sorry.. He's been verbally supportive, but that's all really, he's not helped with any of my work, or even read anything I've written, he just says 'I won't understand it so what's the point'.

I've actively tried to encourage him to be happier, especially in his working life, said I'd do his CV, I'd help him apply for new jobs, even offered to help set him up with a business.. He says he wants too and then nothing happens.

I think the person that said he is piggybacking onto my success is probably right. And also that I've outgrown him.. I don't want to outgrow him though, I just want t be happy with what I've got, but its just not happening and this feeling won't go away.

takeaway2 Thu 25-Jul-13 19:19:02

It sounds like you are outgrowing him. Doesn't really matter what the reasons are. Doesn't even matter if these reasons aren't 'valid' because at least from your pov they are valid.

I would make all effort to find a great job. Whether its in your current town or half way across the world. There's nothing stopping you now. Not him.

MadBusLady Thu 25-Jul-13 19:20:08

Well, he sounds a right misery, and you listed more bad points than good - so that looks pretty open and shut from the outside. I think my puzzlement arose because your OP sounded like you're trying to find "reasons" to leave him, i.e. terrible things he's done, and really, you don't need them. There's no shame in realising you're just not suited to someone (any more). Maybe you're hesitating because you feel you need some sort of clear permission from somewhere to end it?

nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 19:22:07

Ofmiceandmen - I talked to him at Christmas about my feelings, I said I wasn't sure if things were right, I didn't lay blame on either on of us and just said I didn't feel the way I should. I was very honest but without being hurtful. He just flew off the handle, accused me of having an affair with my male best friend and all sorts.

It ended up with him apologising and asking me to stay until I finished my degree and then I could decide. So that's what we did, I felt that the stress of Uni was clouding my judgement and I think he saw it as a way of holding onto the relationship in the hope that I'd change my mind.

It was my 30th in may and I had to tell him beforehand that I wanted to do something special because he seems to have this habit of not planning anything and I didn't want the day ruined. I have always done special things for my 18th, 21st ect and if he wasn't doing anything I would have planned something myself. I would have loved a family meal with some friends too, but he's just so unsociable that I feel bad asking.

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