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If you have gone no contact with a MM please help me!

(31 Posts)
shameshame Wed 24-Jul-13 22:10:49

Hello and apologies in advance - I know there are so many women hurting on these boards from affairs. Please forgive this post.

I have posted previously about my affair with an MM and my failed attempts to go no contact. I have reached my all time low with this after sincere betrayals of my own morals, loss of self, immense guilt and almost mental breakdown that has led me to seek counselling (sorry - i know this reads me, me, me, Classic OW).

I have now left my job, family and friends to get away from MM - have told him not to contact me but I feel shaky and ill prepared to cut contact despite him telling me in despite previous promises he will not leave his DW. I can't even find any anger anymore, just exhaustion and mental burnout.

Please help.

Hatpin Mon 05-Aug-13 09:25:46

I've been down the same road OP and although it may not seem like it now, making that first move away from him is the best thing you could have done.
Don't forget that one of the reasons that these twats keep in contact is to try and retain some control over you, because you have the power to end their cosy little cake eating lifestyles should you so wish.

I found this thought very helpful when trying to ignore any attempts to re-engage.

Hissy Mon 05-Aug-13 09:23:32

Creepy isn't it?

He doesn't care about anyone or anything except getting his end away, does he?

His poor wife. I hope she wakes up and dumps him too.

cuillereasoupe Mon 05-Aug-13 09:09:33

Isn't the fact that he's blithely ignoring your boundaries re. contact a massive turn-off?

Hissy Mon 05-Aug-13 00:01:54

That is a big deal! Good work.

Could you change your number, even gradually, get a new phone and migrate your friends/work over to it, then shut down the old one?

Keep focusing on how good you feel, feel proud of that, and indeed yourself.

shameshame Sun 04-Aug-13 19:54:01

Just a quick update to any interested parties that I am 11 days NO CONTACT from MM. I know that doesn't sound like much of a milestone but I already feel much happier (daren't speak too soon). I have deleted his number but am still getting texts from him (i assume), though these are very jokey in nature. Hope they will eventually cease. I realise this is early days but If I did fall off the wagon now I would be so disappointed in myself. I can't see that happening while I feel this relieved and stress-free though. Fingers crossed.

Wellwobbly Tue 30-Jul-13 22:58:46

Well said Hissy (and thank you). Sorry, Confused, I left out the quote marks from this wonderful observation: "This man was stealing the future from you. He was pretending to be 'there' when he had never any intention. You were just someone to use to make him feel good." 100% correct.

I was also paraphrasing 'the affair script' which is a sort of doomed Romeo and Juliet love story (Dr Frank Pittman) and I was telling it like it is: only 1 in 10 affairs go on to being actual, real relationships (Linda MacDonald, Rona Subotnik and others).

THEREFORE: if 9 out of 10 OWs are as fucked over as the wife is (see Shame's pain, above), then maybe women potential OWs need to get a bit more real about some immature men's tendency to run away from true connection in preference for splitting, fantasy, and wise up to the stock approaches.. If they weren't enabled so much, they couldn't resort to this 'maladjusted coping mechanism' (Subotnik)

(Sheesh, you can tell I am supposed to be writing a psychology essay. 2 of the things, in fact)

Have you ever seen 'soulmate schmoopies' on Youtube? A devastating rip off of the affair script!

OW: Hello, I am needy
Him: My wife doesn't understand me. She doesn't fold my laundry.

etc. Hilarious.

Hissy Tue 30-Jul-13 20:15:35

Just as there is a script with abusers, with men that cheat, there is a script with those that 'enable' them.

We can change that script anytime we like, it takes guts and détermination, but it's not actually that complicated.

Hissy Tue 30-Jul-13 20:12:55

WW's post makes perfect sense to me..

It's about self esteem, or about someone who doesn't feel they deserve, or can handle a FT relationship.

Perhaps it's a problem with commitment, a fear that if she does, he'll reject her anyway, so she keeps one foot in, and then gets sucked in.

They create their secret and exciting bubble, their 'us vs. The world' dynamic. Naughty, but, erm naughty, 'i'm a little bit mad, me', i'm not as dull as you think I am, ooh, if only you knew what I was capable of..

And despite the self doubt, there might be someone prepared to fight the fight, against the odds, for me.

THEN i'll know that i'm loved, that i'm worth it.

A MM is, in a way, easier, cos he has everything to lose, so once the inappropriate comment's been made, and not rejected, he has to damage limit and go for it. Cos if he goes around chatting up everyone, sooner or later someone's going to say something.

He has ishoos of his own, he is defective for whatever reason. Again. Often inferiority rather than entitlement, he'll use the entitlement to defend his mistake.

Strong, self assured people don't cheat, don't abuse, don't lie.

OP, OW are kind of pathetic, as well you know. This is the time to choose NOT to be pathetic, to be strong enough to have some pride in yourself.

You are no longer an Other Woman, you are your Own Woman. Don't ever allow yourself to fall into that pit again.

Delete the numbers, block the cheat and get on with your proper life.

veryconfusedandabitangrytoo Tue 30-Jul-13 16:11:43

Wellwobbly your posts do not make much sense. I can understand that you are hurting (from a past infidelity perhaps?) but your posts seem a little strange..

Also, just to let you know, there isnt a little club of 'OW' all getting sucked in to sad little mens 'cake wanting' (WTF?)

OP keep posting I would love to know how you get on.

Wellwobbly Tue 30-Jul-13 15:59:38

This man was stealing the future from you. He was pretending to be 'there' when he had never any intention.

You were just someone to use to make him feel good.

If OWs got this, and accepted it, the world would have less men cheating in it!

But that isn't the spin. Theirs is the TRUE love, and if it wasn't for fate...

Hissy Mon 29-Jul-13 22:53:28

This man was stealing the future from you. He was pretending to be 'there' when he had never any intention.

You were just someone to use to make him feel good.

Every day you get through is a day closer to getting a real life, with a real man, one that loves you for you, and one that won't break his kids hearts.

You and wellwobbly are the opposite sides to the same coin, i'm the spare change.

I'm the child who lost her dad, both in stature and respect, and ultimately in RL putting her family on the golden ticket, while we were an after thought.

HE did this, but she made damned sure that we got left behind.

Love yourself, know that you deserve it all, and that you can manage a full time relationship with a single man.

shameshame Mon 29-Jul-13 21:53:22

Posypoppy - this sounds so familiar. I agree I need to grieve both the relationship and (stupidly) the future I had pictured with him. HUGE RESPECT for you that you have a) deleted the contact details and b) are 4 massive moths down the line. I have five days in the can and it feels like a lifetime. I'm trying to use some distraction techniques but it is SO hard. Thanks for sharing your story with me and good luck with what your future holds.

posypoppy Mon 29-Jul-13 18:04:11

Hi OP.....i have done this. it was awful , so hard . I grieved for the relationship we had had, the life i had built in my head we were going to have, i missed all the positive reinforecement of my self esteem the realtionship gave me. But 4 months down the track , it is getting better , i am focussed on my children and job and family. Ok I admit i still think about him every day, but less and less. When i start to think abouthim i mentally make myself stop...and think about something else. Everytime i cry i visualise a brick going up around my really works ...i blocked my emails, and changed my phone number...sobbing all the time i did it...but like the betrayed wifes on here, i have learnt that i will and have survived this.
I am seriously looking at my realtionship with DH, think it will end, sadly, but i have statred steps towards my own independence and that of my children.
More recently i can take osme ocmfort form knowing that a man found me attractive , beautiful, liked my compnay and that yes sex can be great.
Next time i have man make me feel that good, he will be available to me .....
so be strong, you can do this, develop your own rewards...or rituals for when you feel sad or are dwelling on him...visulisation, chocolate bar, walk the dog whatever it takes...good luck

Wellwobbly Mon 29-Jul-13 10:35:58

Shame, you and I are the opposite sides of the same coin: being used and manipulated by a man who doesn't care for either of us, only his selfish self.

LIke Hissy says, the key is admitting you have been chumped, and that to go back to MORE, is participating in your own exploitation.

I do think you should casually tell him that you are getting in touch with his wife, that she would be so happy to hear about the depths of your beautiful love.

you would not see him for dust

Hissy Sun 28-Jul-13 14:17:21

We all get that stupid feeling, now just thing how utterly stupid you really would be to go back to that twat?

Stay strong, it gets easier, but yes, it's a hard habit to break.

Shame you can't get patches or gum for it!

shameshame Sun 28-Jul-13 11:40:25

Thanks Hissy. I know. I'm really trying.
Thanks too Wellwobbly - I really appreciate your advice, especially given what you've been through - you are a great person. I've looked at the Cake theory - rings a lot of bells. I'm so so sad - feel stupidly duped and trying to find the inner strength from somewhere to move on from this.

Wellwobbly Sat 27-Jul-13 13:14:50

This is a wife talking: He says things to her like,”Every day, I think about how my life would be if we were together” and “I dream of you every night.” ... I’ll always be wondering if she’s on his mind or he’s missing her or wishing he were with her instead of me.

This is you the OW talking: after all the 'we are going to be together' carrots that he has dangled. Also, during our last conversation where he suggested this, he made out that all we've ever had is an 'intense friendship' which makes me feel terrible - like i've built the rest up in my head or i've been going crazy the last 2 years.

This is what Chumplady replies: Trust me, your husband doesn’t love this woman. He loves cake. Yum, yum, cake. Oh, and I don’t think he loves you much either, because he isn’t showing you one ounce of remorse or respect. ...Every action he’s taking right now is about saving his precious, precious cake supply. The bullshit he spews to Ms. International Ski Vacation there? It’s to keep her on the line for cake.

Have you read 'the unified theory of cake' yet, Shame? You need to.

You have been played. You have been Chumped, just as this selfish selfish man has played and Chumped his poor wife.

Hissy Fri 26-Jul-13 19:13:07

Deep breath IN

Do it.

Breathe out..

Then have a look through Relationships and see what you've stopped yourself inflicting on a family.

Seriously, you're doing the right thing!

shameshame Fri 26-Jul-13 08:44:14

Thanks everyone. I know I need to delete all means of contact - it's just finding the strength. I feel so hurt by the suggestion of friendship after all the 'we are going to be together' carrots that he has dangled. Also, during our last conversation where he suggested this, he made out that all we've ever had is an 'intense friendship' which makes me feel terrible - like i've built the rest up in my head or i've been going crazy the last 2 years. sad

missbopeep Thu 25-Jul-13 18:05:15

If you change your phone nos, email etc then he can't contact you.
Ball's in your court.

Hissy Thu 25-Jul-13 17:34:42

He is not a nice guy, he's trying to keep you on the hook to make himself feel good.

You can't be friends, friends don't do that. They want the best for their friends, no matter what!

Stay strong.

Can you remove all ways he has to contact you? Can you lean on us instead?

Wellwobbly Thu 25-Jul-13 17:24:32

PPS it IS a bereavement.

Wellwobbly Thu 25-Jul-13 17:23:46

Hi Shameshame, have you ever visited

There is perfect description of perfect description of your MM and why he does what he does.

Read the classics: ego kibbles, the humiliating dance of 'pick me'!, the unified theory of cake.

This is about HIM and his delight in playing games. Hopefully you will get angry enough at 'being chumped' that you will join us wives in the chump section.

PS thanks for your honesty

JaceyBee Thu 25-Jul-13 17:07:53

Hey, it's me! Was gonna pm you anyway, I'm doing the same and it's really, really horrible - the worst 'break up' I've ever had including my exh.

I don't think we can be friends with them, not for a long, long time until all the feelings have gone and probably not even then. It's selfish of them to ask us to.

At least he's finally admitted he'll never leave so you know where you are with him. Did he tell you before he was gonna leave?

I'm virtually holding your hand here!

shameshame Thu 25-Jul-13 16:57:52

Thanks posters. MM was in contact last night pleading to stay friends and was finally honest enough to admit that he has never had any intention of leaving his wife. I've asked him once and for all to leave me alone. I've been on baggage reclaim and she sure talks sense. I'll have a look at Sally Brampton - thanks valley - and i've booked an emergency counsellor appointment tomorrow. All this seems relative though if I can't do it. It just feels so sad like a huge bereavement. I'm too ashamed to speak to friends as I know they would be horrified it is so out of character. I just feel so isolated.

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