Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If you have gone no contact with a MM please help me!

(31 Posts)
shameshame Wed 24-Jul-13 22:10:49

Hello and apologies in advance - I know there are so many women hurting on these boards from affairs. Please forgive this post.

I have posted previously about my affair with an MM and my failed attempts to go no contact. I have reached my all time low with this after sincere betrayals of my own morals, loss of self, immense guilt and almost mental breakdown that has led me to seek counselling (sorry - i know this reads me, me, me, Classic OW).

I have now left my job, family and friends to get away from MM - have told him not to contact me but I feel shaky and ill prepared to cut contact despite him telling me in despite previous promises he will not leave his DW. I can't even find any anger anymore, just exhaustion and mental burnout.

Please help.

Wellwobbly Tue 30-Jul-13 22:58:46

Well said Hissy (and thank you). Sorry, Confused, I left out the quote marks from this wonderful observation: "This man was stealing the future from you. He was pretending to be 'there' when he had never any intention. You were just someone to use to make him feel good." 100% correct.

I was also paraphrasing 'the affair script' which is a sort of doomed Romeo and Juliet love story (Dr Frank Pittman) and I was telling it like it is: only 1 in 10 affairs go on to being actual, real relationships (Linda MacDonald, Rona Subotnik and others).

THEREFORE: if 9 out of 10 OWs are as fucked over as the wife is (see Shame's pain, above), then maybe women potential OWs need to get a bit more real about some immature men's tendency to run away from true connection in preference for splitting, fantasy, and wise up to the stock approaches.. If they weren't enabled so much, they couldn't resort to this 'maladjusted coping mechanism' (Subotnik)

(Sheesh, you can tell I am supposed to be writing a psychology essay. 2 of the things, in fact)

Have you ever seen 'soulmate schmoopies' on Youtube? A devastating rip off of the affair script!

OW: Hello, I am needy
Him: My wife doesn't understand me. She doesn't fold my laundry.

etc. Hilarious.

shameshame Sun 04-Aug-13 19:54:01

Just a quick update to any interested parties that I am 11 days NO CONTACT from MM. I know that doesn't sound like much of a milestone but I already feel much happier (daren't speak too soon). I have deleted his number but am still getting texts from him (i assume), though these are very jokey in nature. Hope they will eventually cease. I realise this is early days but If I did fall off the wagon now I would be so disappointed in myself. I can't see that happening while I feel this relieved and stress-free though. Fingers crossed.

Hissy Mon 05-Aug-13 00:01:54

That is a big deal! Good work.

Could you change your number, even gradually, get a new phone and migrate your friends/work over to it, then shut down the old one?

Keep focusing on how good you feel, feel proud of that, and indeed yourself.

cuillereasoupe Mon 05-Aug-13 09:09:33

Isn't the fact that he's blithely ignoring your boundaries re. contact a massive turn-off?

Hissy Mon 05-Aug-13 09:23:32

Creepy isn't it?

He doesn't care about anyone or anything except getting his end away, does he?

His poor wife. I hope she wakes up and dumps him too.

Hatpin Mon 05-Aug-13 09:25:46

I've been down the same road OP and although it may not seem like it now, making that first move away from him is the best thing you could have done.
Don't forget that one of the reasons that these twats keep in contact is to try and retain some control over you, because you have the power to end their cosy little cake eating lifestyles should you so wish.

I found this thought very helpful when trying to ignore any attempts to re-engage.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now