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Help... definitions of infidelity please...

(54 Posts)
bigbadbraindump Wed 24-Jul-13 16:54:53

Short and sweet. About to marry DH (in a few days) found texts on his phone when we were first dating about him having sex in a toilet of a club with a woman he'd met. We had slept together at this point but had not had the exclusivity chat.

He promised me sincerely when we got engaged that during that period of dating he had not been involved with anyone else.

Is this something you would let go?

Jan45 Wed 24-Jul-13 16:56:03

Yes, for sure.

BrokenBanana Wed 24-Jul-13 16:59:33

I certainly would not be happy, and yes I would have to have a good long think about the future.

I found out some pretty huge porkers my DP told me at the beginning of our relationship and it really shook me up. We talked a lot about it, made sure we were both on the same page now and stayed together. The biggest thing was that I could look back and see that he had not continued with this lie and there was nothing else I was suspicious about. It was literally just that one thing that he lied about.

BrokenBanana Wed 24-Jul-13 17:00:32

Do you feel happy with him? Is there anything else about him that your unsure about? Only you know what would be the bets option for you.

Bant Wed 24-Jul-13 17:02:33

Having sex with someone in a nightclub isn't being involved with someone. It may be sophistry, but he didn't cheat on you as you weren't exclusive then. You could ask him if he's ever had sex in a club before and see if he lies about it, but I don't think he's really telling outright lies now

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 24-Jul-13 17:02:46

Well, he wasn't really involved with the drunken shag in the loo woman so I suppose he has a point. But as others have said, how do you feel about it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 17:03:11

Why would he keep texts on his phone from when you were first dating?

missbopeep Wed 24-Jul-13 17:06:59

Did you see the texts then- or just recently? If the latter, why were you looking? Do you feel uneasy and if you have known for years, why ask now days to the wedding?

HaughtyCulturist Wed 24-Jul-13 17:07:24

How did the conversation re his fidelity or otherwise in the first stage of your relationship come up when you got engaged? By the time DH and I got engaged I had already asked him all those sorts of questions that were important for me to ask. What caused it to come into question at that point?

runningonwillpower Wed 24-Jul-13 17:09:23

Why were you checking his texts?

missbopeep Wed 24-Jul-13 17:14:28

As someone else said - being involved does not mean the same as a quick shag in the loo, for some people.
Sounds like semantics where he had his own definition of 'being involved'.
He's not Boris Becker is he?

ImperialBlether Wed 24-Jul-13 17:16:20

When did you find out?

clam Wed 24-Jul-13 17:31:22

I don't think it's even about when it happened or whether you were exclusive (although if you were supposed to be then it would have made a difference.
For me, I'm not sure I'd want to be marrying anyone who was into shagging random people in a nightclub toilet, even if he was single at the time. I mean, please! hmm

ImperialBlether Wed 24-Jul-13 17:39:49

[clam] Classy, eh?

I'm not a believer in the exclusivity chat. If I've slept with someone and we intended to sleep together again, I'd expect us both to not sleep with anyone else.

ALittleStranger Wed 24-Jul-13 20:29:54

Deciding to marry someone is a huge decision and a big fucking deal.

Ending up having a drunken shag with someone in the v early days of a relationship is neither.

I know which act I'd be letting define my relationship even if I did have to give up any belief in romantic fairy tales.

bigbadbraindump Wed 24-Jul-13 20:42:44

I looked in his phone for another reason this morning. And ended up having to search back and back and back. Then came across something which looked suspicious, opened it out of curiosity and there it was. Over those few weeks where our relationship was uncertain there were also several other obvious texts to women.

I confronted him about it and his first reaction was to blame me for snooping, then minimise, said he couldn't even remember who this woman was.

It's the LiE that bothers me. The romantic story he made where since the moment we saw each other he never like at anyone else. It makes me think - what else is he lying about?

Is this bad paranoia or good paranoia?

I think I am also hormonal.

kalidanger Wed 24-Jul-13 20:45:24

Are you just clearing up all the loose ends before the wedding OP? Someone on another thread suggested ice down the cleavage to combat this heat grin

I broadly agree that a shag doesn't really mean 'involvement'. Ate you concerned about any of his behaviour since? Assume it was quite a long time ago?

meditrina Wed 24-Jul-13 20:46:15

The lack of exclusivity in the early days wouldn't bother me.

Lying would.

Is he lying for reasons specific to this incident? Or do you have wider concerns? And why did he keep the texts?

Twinklestein Wed 24-Jul-13 20:46:28

That would be that for me, as much because I wouldn't want to be with someone who was given to random shags in nightclub loos, as because I would only sleep with someone on the basis of exclusivity.

Loo shenanigans is one thing if you're in a relationship, it would have to be a very nice loo to work for me, but I'm up for a certain amount of naughtiness.

However, given the circumstances, just - ewwww.

ALittleStranger Wed 24-Jul-13 20:48:24

Possibly he is lying because the OP has bought into a myth of romantic love that it's all thunderbolts and hearts from the second you clap eyes on each other and he knows this doesn't "fit". Unless you have badgered him into marrying you and he's going to be at the alter under duress I would focus on what's happened in your relationship since you established it as a relationship.

kalidanger Wed 24-Jul-13 20:49:37


If he's been lovely since I think I'd forgive a slightly messy first week or so of my relationship. if he's been 100% lovely a rewrite of how you got together to fit with how you are now isn't do bad. Better than waffling on saying "Yeah, we met and I should s/he was alright, also had someone else as potential... " when the actual payoff line is "But as soon as we got to know each other that was it boom"

kinkyfuckery Wed 24-Jul-13 20:51:44

Do you have other doubts? It sounds like there could be more to it than this, even if 'just' cold feet so close to the wedding?

How long have you been together?

missbopeep Wed 24-Jul-13 20:53:34

Maybe you aren't being totally honest with us now?
What possible reason can you have for looking at his phone? And then going back and back...?

I've never ever looked at anyone's phone and neither have they looked at mine.

I'm telling you this and asking because you must have had some reason to look that you aren't sharing.

Viking1 Wed 24-Jul-13 21:12:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 24-Jul-13 21:23:12

How long have you known each other? It seems very odd that someone would have texts on their phone that were more than 2 years old. Most people change their phones.

I agree with Clam that I am not sure I would want to marry a man who had sex in nightclub toilets and I would defintely be getting myself checked out.

The sex isn't the red flag. The lying and keeping the texts is.

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