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Dh is a mess and sil is encouraging it

(9 Posts)
Doubtfuldaphne Tue 23-Jul-13 22:19:00

My h is drinking really heavily at the moment. Se told the dr he has a problem but they just tell him to cut back a I do too
His sister is close to him and a doctor herself and is just like him so they like to get together and get leathered together. I'm always left to be the responsible one looking after the children, cooking, cleaning.. Not much else...
Mil has offered us a few nights in a cottage somewhere of we can book it. Now dh wants sil to go too. I feel I'm too boring for him.
He's also planning on regularly staying over at her house so they can drink and 'catch up'... When I said we should go as a family if he's staying away he said ok but she made a point of just inviting him..
I don't know what to do. I feel like the mum in this marriage while he's acting more and more strangely
He's currently in the front garden at 22.25pm doing DIY. We live in a really quiet road and have only just moved in! The neighbours must hate us.

Doubtfuldaphne Tue 23-Jul-13 22:22:47

Terrible spelling I'm so sorry! I hope people can make sense of that.

Dahlen Tue 23-Jul-13 22:37:13

Sounds to me as though his primary relationship is with alcohol and he's doing the alcoholic's trick of surrounding himself with other alcoholics who legitimise his choices and make anyone else seem like a boring old nag. sad

Bearing in mind that he won't stop unless he believes that's his best option, what do you want to do about it? I doubt very much he'll cut back or stop just because you've told him its affecting your marriage and family life.

You may find it useful to contact AlAnon. Best of luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 07:12:45

His sister sounds like a pretty crap doctor. hmm Agree with all of the above. I don't think you have any obligation to tolerate this behaviour. I'd tell him you won't be subjecting yourself (and any DCs?) to this bender at the cottage with his sister, he can go alone, and he's not to think about coming back until he shows some commitment to cleaning his act up.

garlicagain Wed 24-Jul-13 07:28:44

I really agree, I'm afraid. Neither you nor the kids can compete with booze and boozysisterlove, and it's foolish to even try. Let them go on a country boozefest together. Advise them that he'll be spending every evening, and all of the nights, at hers, and have a heart-to-heart with MIL if you're close. Change the locks and harden your heart.

Loads of doctors are alcoholics, addictions aren't fussy! Please DO read Al-Anon's publications, and maybe give them a ring as well. You need get your head round what's happened to your family, and the addicts are the last people in a position to explain. I feel for you sad

Some Mumsnetters adhere too strictly to the principle of letting your addict reach rock bottom, withdrawing all support. Having watched families sentence their loved ones to death like this, I'm not such a big fan. Your husband, however, has a built-in soft landing with his sister. I think that's a good enough reason to bring out your big guns early. Talking to Al-Anon will help you understand why, I hope.

Take very good care of your self. Gather support around you, and don't let your DC assume their dad's behaviour is normal or acceptable.

Namechangingnorma Wed 24-Jul-13 07:33:02

Funnily enough my drinking buddy through my heaviest drinking was also a doctor, I think they have a sense of in-destructability. I haven't had a drink in 4.5 yrs now though. It's entirely down to your DH,if he isnt ready there is nothing you can do. Leaving him may well expediate the process and shock him into realising he has a problem.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 24-Jul-13 07:42:40

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you within this chaos to date?. You're also playing a role here too.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Your H's primary relationship first and foremost is with drink. Nothing else matters, he is always thinking about where the next drink is going to come from.

His sister is probably an alcoholic as well and she is certainly enabling her brother to keep drinking. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.

You are also on the merry go around that is alcoholism; time now to get off it. All you can do is protect yourself and your children. They really do not need their childhood blighted by their alcoholic dad and nor do you need to keep enabling him either. Enabling just gives you a false sense of control.

Do talk to Al-anon, they can certainly help. I would also seek legal advice so you know exactly where you stand legally with regards to any future separation.

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 24-Jul-13 09:02:24

Thanks everyone I will contact al anon. He agreed last night the holiday should be just for us as a family which made me feel better. The doctor we go to (not sil) has spoken To him and told him his liver is already on the way to packing up and he is dismissing it and carrying on although the fact he says openly he has a problem which is a good thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 10:32:39

People make a big thing about acknowledging the problem but saying he has a problem is still relatively easy. Doing something about it is what you need to see. 'Actions speak louder than words'

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