Friend and her alcoholic DP in the twilight zone

[LibraryBook]

A friend (who is in her 40s) has a partner of a few years who drinks to excess. He holds down a good job and has a couple of days a week where he consciously doesn't drink but the rest of the week he's pretty tanked. He is a functioning alcoholic. This hasn't really caused many problems for her, (although it's very dull for her as she doesn't really drink and is always the driver on nights out). But recently things have taken a turn for the worse.

She was at a restaurant with her twin daughters and their boyfriends (they are in their late teens and at university) and the DP drunk too much as usual. He became a an arse (I'm not really clear what happened exactly but started insisting black was white and he was right and everyone else at the table was wrong) and he ending up rowing with the daughters causing a bit of a scene so that one of the boyfriends and the drunkard ended up squaring up to each other with one of the daughters hurting her arm trying to separate them.

He does not accept that he has a drinking problem and giving up drinking is out of the question.

One of the daughters is bulimic (she is having counselling and is doing well) and I think these sorts of emotional upheavals knock her for six.

Friend was clear at first that she was leaving him, she was furious that he had behaved so appallingly to her daughters. Was looking for houses. I gave her a sympathetic ear for hours and hours on end most days for about a month. And I've offered her a temporary home should she need it. But now she has stopped talking about moving or breaking up and instead is just talking and doing things as a couple again. As though nothing ever happened.

I'm confused now as to how to best support her. Does anyone have any advice please?

[LibraryBook]

Sorry that was so long.

[Jan45]

Don't let it bother you, she's been living with a drunk for years so his behaviour at the restaurant will be the norm - she's clearly happy to live with someone who thinks alcohol is more important than having good relationships with loved ones - her choice, just remember, she'll be borrowing your ear soon again and again and again....

[DeckSwabber]

I know a couple like this. In fact I was half of a couple like this for a long time (not really so much the drinking but couldn't seem to extricate myself from an salvageable relationship). Basically there is nothing you can do until she decides to take action herself, just as she can't do anything about his drinking - he needs to make that decision for himself.

I think your best bet is to keep the channels of communication open and accept that although she drew back this time, it won't be the last time and she will need you again.

I the meantime encourage her to go to Al Anon.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I'm confused now as to how to best support her"

Build her confidence perhaps? Staying with an alcoholic who verbally abuses her DDs etc can only be rationalised by thinking she deserves no better or that she'd struggle without him. You can't make her leave him but you can try to convince her that she and her DDs are worth more than this.

[JeffTracy]

You are supporting her. Perhaps - if the chance arises - you can suggest AlAnon to her. She is probably a co-dependent and enabling his drinking without realising it. AlAnon would at least support her and give her some perspective on a very difficult situation.

[Dahlen]

Until she's ready to carry through on her threat, you just have to let her get on with it I'm afraid.

It can be very frustrating watching this go on - it's the same with people who have abusive partners, partners with a gambling problem, partners who are serially unfaithful, etc. But you can't make someone take the right course of action and you have to understand that years of normalising this sort of behaviour (which is what you end up doing) means she simply doesn't see it the same way you do.

You have the right to walk away if it becomes too frustrating or painful to watch. You have to protect yourself first, much as you want to support your friend. If you want to hang on in there supporting her, however, all you can do is reiterate that you don't think she should have to put up with her H's behaviour but without pressurising her to leave.

[Snorbs]

Encourage her to go to Al-Anon, maybe give her a copy of Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More", and be as much of a shoulder for her to cry on as you are able while balancing that with your own emotional health and demands on time. Sadly there really isn't that much else you can do.

[LibraryBook]

Thanks all.

Of course I'd like to be there for her but I'm so exasperated with her that my instinct is to withdraw from the situation. I know that's wrong and I would like to continue to be a good friend. I find the the whole thing immensely draining. I don't know if she has anyone else to talk to particularly. It's not the first time I've supported her through a break-up.

Cogito - Yes! You've hit the nail on the head. It's a self-esteem issue. She has a history of choosing men who are unable to love her for various reasons and she rejects men who are loving because she feels they demand too much of her. It is unfathomable really as she's beautiful, successful, fun to be with and incredibly good at choosing utter wankers.