How can I help myself to change?

[BestestBrownies]

Hi all.

I've almost finished reading 'Mr Unavailable and the Fallout Girl' after seeing it recommended on here. It has really struck a nerve and made me realise I am emotionally constipated and that's why I keep choosing the wrong men.

My problem now is how do I go about 'getting in touch with my emotions'. Burying and denying my feelings has been a habit for over 20 years (I'm 36), so I have absolutely no clue where to start.

Can anyone recommend a book or technique to get me started please?

[Diagonally]

What is the longest period of time you have been out of a relationship?

[BestestBrownies]

Hi Diagonally. Thanks for responding.

I have been out of my most recent relationship (marriage) for almost 9 months. Before that, I was single for a year at Uni. My entire adult life (from age 16), has been spent in relationships with emotionally unavailable men.

I am aware that I need to (and believe it or not, WANT to) remain single until I've sorted my own head out. I just need to know HOW I actually do that.

[EBearhug]

I can't recommend anything, but I am interested in responses. Can you say more about Mr Unavailable and the Fallout Girl, a brief summary of what it says?

[Dahlen]

Emotionally constipated? Is this the opposite to emotionally incontinent?

For years I used to worry about being authentic about what i wanted out of a relationship for fear of seeming weak or making myself vulnerable. Instead I tried to be "cool" and behave like the person I thought I ought to be rather than the person I am.

It took me a long time to realise that the only way to be happy is to have the relationship the 'real' you needs rather than the one you think the 'ideal' you wants. The only way to get what you want is to issue a clear statement of what you want and ask the other person if they are able to meet that expectation in a clear, adult assertive but non-manipulative way, giving them the choice to decline, and being prepared to compromise if appropriate, but knowing that you are in a position to cope perfectly well without them if they do decide to decline or you decide you don't want to compromise.

I don't have a technique. I just started doing it. It was excruciatingly difficult at first, but got a lot easier with practise. I spent a very long period of time as a single person before working this out and applying it in other areas of life first if that's any help.

[BestestBrownies]

Hi EBearhug. Basically it talks about the emotionally unavailable man and the various types of 'Fallout Girl' that are attracted to him and why. It resonated with me because I thought it was always the men I dated who were to blame for the failure of the relationships, when really I was to blame for choosing their type (unable to commit) in the first place, because I have trust and abandonment issues stemming from a traumatic childhood/early teen experience, so I choose to have relationships with men who will do exactly what I expect them to.

Hi Dahlen. Thanks for your input. I can see how that would work, but I have tried to 'just do it' without success. I have forgiven my parents for abandoning me, but I clearly haven't addressed my abandonment and trust issues, even though I thought I had. That's why I'm looking for a tried & tested technique or another insightful book to read to kick-start what I realise is a personal introspective journey

[Dahlen]

I think maybe you need to start small. It's all about vulnerability isn't it. Can you start where the consequences if you get it wrong aren't so far-reaching?

For every situation you are in, ask yourself how you feel. Answer it honestly. Work out why you feel like that. Then think about what you'd like to happen. What would make you happy? What would make you feel good about the way you've handled it? Then put it into practice.

Obviously this is a process and it's going to be a while before you can behave like that naturally when put on the spot, in fact you might never be able to, but that's ok. It's perfectly acceptable to go back to someone later and say "actually I'm not happy about XXX, I actually think XXX and I want to do XXX."

It will require a heart-thumping, dry mouth feeling the first few times you do it if it's that alien to you, but it's well worth it. There isn't any tried-and-trusted techniques that do it for you. At some point you just have to jump feet first. REading self-help books, practising what I've described above might make it seem a little less daunting and help you understand it better, but it's still a leap of faith ultimately. I appreciate the irony there BTW - but in a way that's precisely why it's so important to make that first step.

[EBearhug]

Thanks, Bestest.

I do tend to go for ones where there's not a chance they'd be able to reciprocate. You know where you are with unrequitable love - you can't have any expectations, so you can't get hurt. The relationships I have had, other than 6 months in my early 20s, have all been distance relationships. And I know why I'm like it, but I have no idea how to get past it, really. Although this time of night is not the time to start anyway.

[ZingWidge]

I'm not sure what you are looking for but I know a good book about anger management, , passiveaggressive behaviour etc.
it's written by a Christian man, so it flavours the writing if that matters either way

let me know if you are interested, I'll pm you the details.