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Ex demanding money.

(57 Posts)
dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:15:06

So, I threw my gambling ex out a few months ago. I said it might be temporary if he sorted out his habit and got some cash together. I said it would be at least a year, but we could date and see how things went. All has been going well, he tells me he's on top of the money situation and he isn't gambling. We even booked a holiday to center parcs - which I have paid for in full, along with activities, on the understanding that ex would give me a little bit towards it.

He turns up at mine tonight, in his car, slurring his speech a little. Says he has only had two pints of shandy. I don't believe him. He is a bit grandiose and arrogant, saying he has been offered a new job. Starts to open a can of beer. I stop him and ask him how he's getting home, as he's not driving and he can't stay with me. He gets aggressive.

He then says he needs £300. He had a minor bump in the car, his fault and has to pay the damages (not going through insurance). I said no - as I've paid for the holiday, I have three dcs to bring up on my own and I don't want to lend him money. He insists I had promised him. I'm sure I did not. Last month ex got £900 from a whiplash claim, so I naturally assumed he'd put some aside for this accident that he knew he'd have to pay for. I explained that I didn't mind paying for the holiday, as it was my treat for the kids, but I wasn't paying for the damage he'd caused to someone else's car.

He starts shouting and pointing his finger at me, saying I promised. He knows I have a few thousand in my account from some work I've done recently - but I worked bloody hard for that money and I'm a single mum with a house to keep. He seems to think he is entitled to it. I told him to never come back and I've asked my mum to come to Center Parcs with me. I think I'm right - even if I HAD promised to lend ex the money (which I don't remember doing) he has no right to treat me like this. He earns a good salary, but is saddled with debt. Meantime, since he left, I've never been so financially secure. I don't think that's a coincidence.

Am I in the right here? What should I do now? I'm worried he'll withdraw maintenance money out of spite.

dontcallmehon Wed 07-Aug-13 19:12:42

Thanks OnIlkelyMoorBahtat, that makes sense. Not one person has suggested I'm wrong yet, so that tells me something. At the very least he hasn't treated me very well over the years.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 08-Aug-13 16:36:31

Exactly dontcallmehon, and no one is going to suggest you are, cos you ain't!

Hope you are ok today? x

GetStuffezd Thu 08-Aug-13 16:46:20

I have no advice as I've never been in your boat, but just wanted to say your strength of character really shines out of your posts.
Everyone deserves a partner who will put them first. I hope you can stay strong.

Tubemole1 Thu 08-Aug-13 17:19:18

You are right.

BeCool Thu 08-Aug-13 17:25:53

You need to put a password (or new password) on your computer so he can snoop/use it when he comes around. My exP did the same while using my flat to look after DC - he then shouted/raged at me - I took my keys back and password protected my laptop, in my own home, so not to feel invaded. if he needs a computer whilst looking after the DC then he will have to bring his own.

It is sad things didn't work out and he isn't the man you need - of possibly even then man he wants to be. It is sad you can't fix him. It is sad the father of your DC is a dickhead.

I feel the same sadness.
STILL at least I'm not getting shouted at now, and I don't have to worry about his debts or drug addiction. Which is FANTASTIC!

It really is OK to be tough, set limits and stand by them - in fact its essential.

dontcallmehon Fri 09-Aug-13 09:46:27

He's now threatening not to look after the dc while I work because he's found out I've been on a date. He guessed and then accused me of lying to him.

BeCool Fri 09-Aug-13 12:38:51

Sorry OP - but he sounds like the kind of guy you should expect absolutely nothing from. Even looking after his own DC is a way to attempt to manipulate and control you.

Can you get proper childcare? Have you looked into what Working Tax Credits you will be entitled to to help pay the childcare?

Can you consider detaching from him completely? To regain control yourself. Nothing will show him you are moving on more than asking nothing from him at all. Give him a few months of this and you might well find his attitude changes.

In the meantime, if he is coming into your home password protect everything. Allow him access to nothing personal of yours.

I'm now 8 months separated - X was abusing cocaine secretly for years. Me detaching is working very well for us! It's taken every breath of air out of his sails and he has been forced (by me doing actually very little but cutting him off and engaging with him ONLY on my level - not his) to really honestly look at himself and is slowly making revolutionary changes (time will tell of course).

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