Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex demanding money.

(57 Posts)
dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:15:06

So, I threw my gambling ex out a few months ago. I said it might be temporary if he sorted out his habit and got some cash together. I said it would be at least a year, but we could date and see how things went. All has been going well, he tells me he's on top of the money situation and he isn't gambling. We even booked a holiday to center parcs - which I have paid for in full, along with activities, on the understanding that ex would give me a little bit towards it.

He turns up at mine tonight, in his car, slurring his speech a little. Says he has only had two pints of shandy. I don't believe him. He is a bit grandiose and arrogant, saying he has been offered a new job. Starts to open a can of beer. I stop him and ask him how he's getting home, as he's not driving and he can't stay with me. He gets aggressive.

He then says he needs £300. He had a minor bump in the car, his fault and has to pay the damages (not going through insurance). I said no - as I've paid for the holiday, I have three dcs to bring up on my own and I don't want to lend him money. He insists I had promised him. I'm sure I did not. Last month ex got £900 from a whiplash claim, so I naturally assumed he'd put some aside for this accident that he knew he'd have to pay for. I explained that I didn't mind paying for the holiday, as it was my treat for the kids, but I wasn't paying for the damage he'd caused to someone else's car.

He starts shouting and pointing his finger at me, saying I promised. He knows I have a few thousand in my account from some work I've done recently - but I worked bloody hard for that money and I'm a single mum with a house to keep. He seems to think he is entitled to it. I told him to never come back and I've asked my mum to come to Center Parcs with me. I think I'm right - even if I HAD promised to lend ex the money (which I don't remember doing) he has no right to treat me like this. He earns a good salary, but is saddled with debt. Meantime, since he left, I've never been so financially secure. I don't think that's a coincidence.

Am I in the right here? What should I do now? I'm worried he'll withdraw maintenance money out of spite.

mrsmartin1984 Tue 23-Jul-13 15:03:10

My husband has a gambling problem. He goes to GA every week and has not gambled for over 2 1/2 years. He is 2 different people when he gambles and when he does not. We don't have money issues and I manage the accounts. We have gamblock on the computer so he can't gamble that way.

While he is in the thick of gambling that is the only thing that interests him. You are not a person you are a cash cow. All he wants is more money to gamble more. Have you considered contacting GamAnon which is a support organisation for partners and family of addicts. It's handy to talk to people who are in the same boat.

Personally I wouldn't slip back and maybe you should look for legal advice on where you stand

dontcallmehon Tue 23-Jul-13 18:02:05

We don't have a joint account. He can't access my money thankfully and I don't share any cards or loans with him. Seeing the solicitor next week.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Wed 24-Jul-13 04:39:49

Get the locks changed now. He has no boundaries. Do you want him coming into your house again?

mrfrancis82 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:48:56

Wow, what a wanker. What sort of man does that kind of thing? I think you should make this separation more permanent as he certainly isn't a good role model to his kids.

dontcallmehon Fri 02-Aug-13 16:18:06

Feeling a bit low. Just been to see a solicitor and it is £400 for a separation agreement, which I've got drawn up. The marital home shouldn't be a problem, as there is a small amount of equity that would be pretty much wiped out in the event of a sale, so from now on it will be set in stone that the house is mine. There isn't an asset to divide. Ex has agreed to be responsible for any debts in his name, so that will be in the agreement too. This secures my position financially completely. It just isn't how I wanted my marriage to be.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 02-Aug-13 16:38:10

Sorry you are feeling low but it's completely understandable.
You will have down days but they will become fewer and further between as time goes by.
£400 for a separation?
Wow - I think a divorce is only £340 - well it was a little while ago anyway.
Hoping you have a good day tomorrow.

LisaMed Fri 02-Aug-13 16:43:13

Hope I am wrong, but do a credit check on yourself, I think you can get them from Experian and Equifax. He can get in and out of your house with his key, he could be getting details to get credit in your name.

Hope I am wrong and wishing you lots of luck.

dontcallmehon Fri 02-Aug-13 17:53:49

I'll do that, but I got credit myself very recently for a car - so I doubt he has done that. He is incapable of keeping up with repayments, so if he did have credit in my name I would know about it. I really don't think he has.

The separation agreement is expensive, but it'll be more expensive without one.

Bogeyface Fri 02-Aug-13 20:35:51

You can get a seperation thingy on your credit file too (sorry not sure what it is called disassociation or something?) so that nothing he does credit wise will affect you.

And afaik you can put a fraud alert on your file too so that extra identity checks must be carried out so it makes him fraudulently getting CC in your name much much harder.

You think he hasnt done it so far, but if he is desperate for money then he may well do it in the future. Better to make life a little harder for yourself (such as when you got your car for eg) by finance taking longer than to go through the hell that is credit fraud. Trust me on this, my parents went through it twice and it was awful.

dontcallmehon Sun 04-Aug-13 22:51:26

He was here today, looking after the kids while I worked. He has to have them at my house, as his mum can't cope with the three of them at hers. Not ideal.

Since we separated and I decided it might well be permanent, I had a date arranged for next week. I don't want to rush into anything - it was just a coffee.

Anyway, he's now being horrible to me as he snooped around on my laptop and found my online dating profile. I'd left it logged in by mistake. Not that I need to hide anything, but it's none of his business. He read all my messages. I'm sure he looks at my phone and he's snooped around on Mumsnet too :-( He's probably read this.

Ezio Sun 04-Aug-13 23:50:50

Password protect your laptop, or put a lock and your bedroom door and leave your important stuff in there.

dontcallmehon Mon 05-Aug-13 21:10:17

Feel really sad. He's obviously devastated. He's signed agreement with no argument. I am doing the right thing, aren't I?

akaWisey Mon 05-Aug-13 21:22:40

Yes you are, don't doubt your decision because you are sad.

You can't rescue him from his addiction and you don't have to. His devastation should be the catalyst for getting his life together IN HIS OWN RIGHT but not with you as the 'prize'.

Time for you to try and move on. You can do it. smile

Ezio Mon 05-Aug-13 21:28:59

What Wisey said, you cant save him, hes gotta do that himself.

dontcallmehon Mon 05-Aug-13 22:08:45

Yes, this is true. I keep thinking 'what if I'm wrong.' He's not really admitting to anything and he can lie convincingly, but then today he said he understood why I had to do this and I was right. He just looked so sad :-(

We've been together for ten years and I do still care deeply about him and what happens to him. That makes it harder.

But everyone is commenting on how glowing and happy I look since I finished with him and even though I'm not sleeping properly, I think they're right. That must tell me something.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 05-Aug-13 22:20:25

OP it really sounds as if you are doing the right thing. He doesn't really deep down inside believe he has a gambling problem, does he? You've got to protect yourself and your DCs.

You MUST password protect everything or better yet, take your laptop with you! Keep your phone on you at all times. Get the keys back.

dontcallmehon Mon 05-Aug-13 22:26:45

No, he doesn't really believe he has a problem and I don't believe he has sought out proper help. I've given him so many chances.

It's not the first time or even the second or third time he's lied about money. The amounts of money involved are not ridiculously huge yet (although substantial- we could cope with it if he was able to change), but it's more the deceit and the lack of trust.

I suppose I expected him to argue about the agreement, but he's just signed everything to me without question. Which is what I wanted - but it's sad.

dontcallmehon Tue 06-Aug-13 01:18:05

Just searched my old threads on relationships from years ago. Now I know I'm doing the right thing.

notanyanymore Tue 06-Aug-13 01:20:48

You are SO right, and I have SO much respect for you

dontcallmehon Tue 06-Aug-13 01:23:29

Thank you notanymore, that means a lot. It's not easy - hence me still being up at this hour, but I'm doing ok.

EBearhug Tue 06-Aug-13 16:09:53

Change your passwords and change the locks.

dontcallmehon Tue 06-Aug-13 22:52:02

I will. I just feel thoroughly heartbroken.

EBearhug Tue 06-Aug-13 22:57:50

You're heartbroken because of what could have been, which is natural. But try to remember how things actually are - it is going to be hard, but you've already said you're doing the right thing, and you can do it!

dontcallmehon Tue 06-Aug-13 23:01:32

I know. I keep wondering what will become of him. He took kids to park today and afterwards sat on my sofa looking so sad. And I know I could make it better, but I can't do it.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Wed 07-Aug-13 15:29:54

dontcallmehon you are doing absolutely the right thing, and hope you don't mind me reviving the thread but just wanted to pick up on where you said " And I know I could make it better, but I can't do it." - you're half right - as in, no you can't make it better, only he can - by addressing his gambling problem, and as you said above, he's not willing to.
Whatever happens, don't forget it's him that wrought this on your marriage, not you. Take care x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now