Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex demanding money.

(57 Posts)
dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:15:06

So, I threw my gambling ex out a few months ago. I said it might be temporary if he sorted out his habit and got some cash together. I said it would be at least a year, but we could date and see how things went. All has been going well, he tells me he's on top of the money situation and he isn't gambling. We even booked a holiday to center parcs - which I have paid for in full, along with activities, on the understanding that ex would give me a little bit towards it.

He turns up at mine tonight, in his car, slurring his speech a little. Says he has only had two pints of shandy. I don't believe him. He is a bit grandiose and arrogant, saying he has been offered a new job. Starts to open a can of beer. I stop him and ask him how he's getting home, as he's not driving and he can't stay with me. He gets aggressive.

He then says he needs £300. He had a minor bump in the car, his fault and has to pay the damages (not going through insurance). I said no - as I've paid for the holiday, I have three dcs to bring up on my own and I don't want to lend him money. He insists I had promised him. I'm sure I did not. Last month ex got £900 from a whiplash claim, so I naturally assumed he'd put some aside for this accident that he knew he'd have to pay for. I explained that I didn't mind paying for the holiday, as it was my treat for the kids, but I wasn't paying for the damage he'd caused to someone else's car.

He starts shouting and pointing his finger at me, saying I promised. He knows I have a few thousand in my account from some work I've done recently - but I worked bloody hard for that money and I'm a single mum with a house to keep. He seems to think he is entitled to it. I told him to never come back and I've asked my mum to come to Center Parcs with me. I think I'm right - even if I HAD promised to lend ex the money (which I don't remember doing) he has no right to treat me like this. He earns a good salary, but is saddled with debt. Meantime, since he left, I've never been so financially secure. I don't think that's a coincidence.

Am I in the right here? What should I do now? I'm worried he'll withdraw maintenance money out of spite.

Earthworms Mon 22-Jul-13 22:17:30

Yes. You are right.


He sound like an entitled nob

Hegsy Mon 22-Jul-13 22:19:58

You are right give home nothing. I'd also have called the police about drink driving. Might be worth making contact with CSa re maintanence as theŷ only look at payments from when you claim.

Sounds like you are well rid of this waste of space!

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:22:00

I thought so. He sounds so sure of himself that I start to doubt my own judgement. I am very careful with money and I really doubt that I would have agreed to lend him the money - but even if I did, surely the fact that I've paid for a holiday up front for all of us would mean that I might not have it anymore! I do - but I need a safety net, particularly as I'm self employed.

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:22:45

I would have called the police, but he lives 5 mins away (at his mum's) so would have got home before they caught him.

Beckamaw Mon 22-Jul-13 22:23:31

I think you've been too bloody generous already.
Withdrawing maintenance money because he's incapable of being careful with his own possessions? How can any of this be your responsibility?
Disengage. Keep walking.

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:28:24

Yes, you're right. He seems to think I'm wrong, but I have worked non-stop for weeks and built up a little bit of money to make a nice life for me and the kids. I pay the mortgage, music lessons for the kids, uniforms, holidays, bills, food, etc....

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 22:37:05

I'm going to book a solicitor and make the separation legal.

kalidanger Mon 22-Jul-13 22:52:20

He doesn't think you're wrong, he doesn't care what you are or think - he's still gambling and saying anything to get money out of you.

You still want to date him?

Bogeyface Mon 22-Jul-13 23:00:03

Are you married?

If you are then dont bother with making the seperation legal, just file. And the day after, get onto the CSA, they can take it direct from his wages if he plays silly buggers.

You, I am sure, will have given him many many chances before you actually split up with him and even then offered him a way to make things right. He has wasted all of those chances. You need to do what is right for you and your kids now. He has chosen his path, choose yours wisely.

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 23:14:20

Unfortunately we are married. The house is in my name and he signed a declaration of non interest when I bought it - so just want to secure my asset. Oh yes, he's had so so so many chances.

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 23:15:25

I will not date him again. We're all happier without him. I guess I just believed in working at a marriage - but I have my limits.

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 23:17:00

You are right and well done for sticking to your guns. I have a feeling life is going to get much more enjoyable for you from now on. smile

dontcallmehon Mon 22-Jul-13 23:18:19

To be honest, as soon as I kicked him out, people were saying how much happier I looked, so it will continue to get better and better I think.

dontcallmehon Tue 23-Jul-13 01:22:04

Anyone about? I seem strong, but I'm a bit lonely and flat.

arabellasknickers Tue 23-Jul-13 02:04:56

Hi., well done. I split from my ex over a year ago but it is hard as I continue to see him.. yet I felt myself slipping back into something really bad. Stay strong, you are better off without him. You gave him a chance and he has proved how other things gambling, drinking, whatever, mean more to him than his family. Don't sell yourself short you're better on your own than with someone who places such little worth in you.

arabellasknickers Tue 23-Jul-13 02:07:25

my ex was an alcoholic, abusive, etc and sh*t with money. He used me for years and controlled me terribly. I need to man up again and get him out of my life again as I slipped back into seeing him a couple times a week. why I did that I don't know, familiarity I guess. I think we all wish and hope for things to get better, but try as we might they very rarely do. leopards don't change their spots very often. keep focused on being happy in yourself. What he does now in response to you saying no will be quite telling in itself I imagine. Don't go back, don't settle.

SquinkiesRule Tue 23-Jul-13 03:53:49

Glad you didn't give him any money, what a looser, and no he shouldn't talk to you like that.
Get to the solicitor ASAP.

Lweji Tue 23-Jul-13 06:13:56

Going without maintenance money seems better than to keep giving him money.
Do you get maintenance through CSA? If not, do it.

TalkativeJim Tue 23-Jul-13 09:33:59

Of course you didn't agree to give him money!

You think you would have done that?!

Stupid, selfish, entitled, shit husband, shit dad.

Good on you for not letting him drag you and your family down.

Have a fab holiday, file for divorce and put in a CSA claim.

When he next starts whining at you, reply with 'Oh it's good to hear from you. We need to discuss your side of the responsibilities towards the children - how we split school runs, how many overnights you're going to have, what you will be doing with them on weekends, I'd like you to be fully involved in uniform shopping, for one thing...'

And watch him run!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Jul-13 09:42:45

Of course you're in the right. The only thing you seem to have done wrong is the whole 'dating' business and being optimistic that he was going to change. But it's understandable if you felt he was worth a last chance. Many wouldn't have given him that. Now he's blown his last chance, he's history.... well done.

mummytime Tue 23-Jul-13 09:50:55

It might be easier if you realise if he has a gambling problem then he has an other woman. Only she is gambling, and she is the most demanding other woman you can imagine. So she will force him to try to get more money, if being nice doesn't get it then he will be nasty.

Get legal advice and get your money separated from his ASAP, for the sake of your children.

dontcallmehon Tue 23-Jul-13 10:22:41

Yes you're right. I have arranged a free consultation with a solicitor. He text apologising, saying I'd just put him in an awkward position and didn't I remember promising. The he messaged again to say sorry for shouting and he'd have to sort it out. I've ignored. He also let himself into my house this morning and came upstairs, but I pretended to be asleep and he went away. I am going to need the key back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Jul-13 10:27:43

Get the key back or change the locks. shock He doesn't 'get it' does he?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 23-Jul-13 14:24:00

You are right. I would talk to your bank though. Would he still be able to run any debt in your joint names as you are still married? I hope not, but better be safe than sorry.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now