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Need to move forward

9 replies

Theendoftheroad · 22/07/2013 20:34

My husband left 8 months ago, married 11 years together 21, 2 children. During that time I have gone through every emotion possible, I've hit rock bottom and picked myself back up. I took my 2 children abroad on holiday for a week which felt a really brave step and I had a great time, I felt ok this is good I can move forward I can be happy and single. But I've recently felt very low again. My husband still spends lots of time at the house and we have been having family days out.....I admit part of me enjoys them, but I know he's getting the best of both worlds...and I just can't move on especially as we mostly get on well now. Last night something just snapped, I packed a suitcase and left whilst he was here looking after the children....I didn't say anything I just went. I came to my senses and returned home today and we had a gut wrenching heart of heart.....I have to accept its over he's not coming back, I feel really low.....

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Doha · 22/07/2013 20:49

I'm sorry OP but if he is not coming back you will probably have to act like a separated couple meantime.
No more joint family days out that has just confused you and given you a bit of hope.
Access to be formalised with the DC's away from the family home.
No more access to family home and family life for him. He can't have it both ways.
You need time to process all this and start to heal please restrict any conversations with him to that about DC's and contact only.
Have you spoken to anyone in RL?

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Theendoftheroad · 22/07/2013 20:58

I know doha you are right. He still hasn't sorted anywhere appropriate to live, currently in a friends spare room close to work over an hour away, I thought allowing contact here would ensure my children are happy, they love their home and spending time here. But you are right it's too painful for me.....I need to muster some strength up..........
Despite some of the shitty things he's done I'm still in love with the man he was and the dream we had......
It's so painful......

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Theendoftheroad · 22/07/2013 21:01

I have spoken to friends, but I have until recently been stronger, so no one really aware of quite how crap I'm feeling. Not always easy opening up and burdening people with your problems.

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Doha · 22/07/2013 21:01

He is in no hurry to sort out somewhere to live while has has no reason to do so. As you said having his cake and eating it.
I am really so sorry you are having such a tough time but please please start by insisting on access elsewhere--it isn't your problem.
How old are the DC's.

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Theendoftheroad · 22/07/2013 21:09

They are 6 & 8, they've had a tough time adjusting....they have to be my priority...ensuring they are happy.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 21:32

They can be just as happy like a lot of other kids, spending the afternoon with Dad somewhere off-site. It is very difficult to move on successfully after a break-up. It is virtually impossible if the person you're trying to break up from is still hanging around like a bad smell. You're no good to the kids depressed and confused....

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Theendoftheroad · 22/07/2013 21:47

Wise words, I know you are right I just need to have courage.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2013 21:56

Do you have friends? Family? Last person you should be having gut-wrenching heart-to-hearts with is the man that broke it in the first place. (I'm assuming 'left' means he initiated the split?) He has no motivation to make you feel any better than you do. Neither is he motivated to change the status quo because, as you rightly observe, he's getting to be the happy bachelor or the family man as and when it suits.

Have you sought legal advice yet? Sometimes, when you're struggling with the emotion of it all, it can help to focus on the practical.

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Theendoftheroad · 22/07/2013 22:50

Yes I do have friends, some I feel I've bored to tears with everything, others feel torn as we've been a couple and friends of theirs for so long. I have talked to friends but I tend to put a brave face on....people think I'm strong but I'm not really. Family is limited.
Yes he initiated the split, though I accept relationship had stopped being healthy, I wanted to work through our problems and see if possible to reconcile. At points he's led me to think that's what he wanted too, only to Knock me back down again.
No I still haven't sought legal help I have told him that I won't agree to anything financially unless formal seperation agreement or divorce so I've left it with him and hes done nothing. I should add he still has his wages paid into joint bank account and I have full access to them.....partly why I haven't been proactive in moving things forward legally as I will be a lot worse off. I guess that time is coming....I need to be more proactive, even though painful, to move forward.