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Oh bugger. I think I'm in love with one of my best friends.

(331 Posts)
LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 20:27:52

I've known him for years though we've definitely spent a lot more time together recently. He's kind and funny and smart. We get on incredibly well, we spend loads of time together and we never run out of things to say. We've got loads in common, and lots of mutual friends - he's perfect. I even like his parents.

And now I think I've fallen for him. We went to a wedding two weekends where neither of us knew many other people - as a result, we spent most of the time together and had a lovely time. And when I got home, I realised I don't want to just be friends any more, and I keep thinking about him and how much fun we had.

I can't believe I've gone and done this - he's so much a part of my life, and now I've got to either tell him how I feel and ruin the friendship if it's not reciprocated, or do nothing and try and get over it. Or, I suppose, hang around in the hope that he feels the same way. But I don't have any real evidence that he does.

I have absolutely no idea how to go about this - I've even been googling "ways to tell if he fancies you" which is absurd given my age and the fact that all the articles say things like "try and sit next to him in class and see what happens". But I've never been in this situation before - got married at 25 to the boy I'd been going out with since school, and haven't dared go on a date since we split up two years ago.

I know he isn't dating anyone else, and that he hasn't had a serious relationship since his girlfriend died about five years ago. But that doesn't mean he's interested in me, of course.

Please, tell me to get a grip and get on with my life. Or to get a grip and tell him how I feel. Or give me a list of "ten ways to tell if a forty something bloke who's unfailingly polite and interested in everyone he encounters likes you more than he likes other people" so I can work out whether he likes me back.

Screwfox Thu 12-Sep-13 23:55:17

you know love isnt supposed to be this hard.

if it aint working - bin it

AndAnother Thu 12-Sep-13 19:56:40

Any update OP?

evelynj Sat 31-Aug-13 12:16:51

Ah boo sorry to hear. This. Not convinced this is the end though. Also Op, I just enjoy reading your posts. You sound nice & sounds like you have a pretty fun life so keep us updated and good luck!

Remember, all's well that ends well. If it's not well, it's not the end smile

noobieteacher Thu 29-Aug-13 16:44:34

Oh this is so awful. Just got back from holiday to catch up. What an absolute nightmare for you. You'd think he would give off signals to the right person - how can he be giving them off to both you and her?

Or is the other woman just pushy and has 'claimed' him?

I think you should try and spend more time with him to clear the air and find out where you both stand - losing this friendship will be awful for you and for him as well and you should fight to keep that at least. I think it will be messy but the alternative is pretty grim.

My guess is though, if he's passive and 'decent' he won't want you around much if that's what his partner wants.

beaglesaresweet Mon 26-Aug-13 12:45:57

its place

And good idea, OP, to go no contact for a while, he may reveal what he really feels or doesn't feel as a result. If he says he misses you and asks why though, I'd tell him.

beaglesaresweet Mon 26-Aug-13 12:44:06

Body language does have it place though, MadeMan, most people aer not so in control of their expressions, and not such good actors as to pretend. What I'd say though, mild fancying and attarction that they DO feel, often isn't strong enough to actually take the plunge - and there are usually good reasons why they don't see you as a relationship material - wrong age, no interests in common, personality not quite 'there' - even if there is genuine degree of physical attraction. Lots of people do get confused between just being fancied a bit (genune and reflected in Body L), and being seen as a potential partner.

MadeMan Mon 26-Aug-13 12:14:19

"I feel a bit misled by the signals he was sending but I am prepared to accept that that was me trying to see something that might not have been there."

This man is a good friend of yours so it's only natural that he will be showing signs that he likes you (albeit perhaps just as a friend), but he must be fond of you.

In my opinion, signs of interest and signals are overrated and only serve to feed the egos of these so-called relationship gurus that you see everywhere in the Sunday papers and the internet. All this 'watch their body language' and 'does she twirl her hair while she's staring at you', kind of thing. It's a load of old rubbish in my experience, although I do still occasionally find myself falling for it again.

Anyway, don't feel silly about your situation, it's happened to all of us at some point; we all see the things that we want to see.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 26-Aug-13 11:38:10

Thinking about it, I think that's very wise. I truly hope things work out for you, with or without him.

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 26-Aug-13 11:20:25

I'm ok, really. Life is weird at the moment - dad, my ex behaving like a normal human being, work. This feels like just another element of a temporary blip that will iron itself out soon.

Look, who knows if it is serious or if it will last? But I'm
absolutely not going to do or say anything to get in the way. For now, I am going to leave it and leave him - I feel a bit misled by the signals he was sending but I am prepared to accept that that was me trying to see something that might not have been there.

MrsHoolie Sun 25-Aug-13 23:01:44

Oh Lucy,I'm gutted for you.
Hope you are ok.

CeliaFate Sun 25-Aug-13 21:38:49

You have a few options I think.
*Tell him how you feel and say you want to know if he has the same feelings.
*Don't tell him and stay as friends.
*Don't tell him, be there when he breaks up with girlfriend and get drunk and shag him (I may have been influenced by When Harry Met Sally here!).

MrsMinkBernardLundy Sun 25-Aug-13 21:03:05

I would not tell him yet either unless you want to go for broke. if you tell him and hes says no and ends up with new gf he will not be able to tell her that you are just an old friend and there is nothing between you. so he will not be ble to be friends with you.

magimedi Sun 25-Aug-13 17:23:06

Oh dear - sorry about that Lucy.

Frankly you don't sound too gutted so maybe that's telling you something?

I agree about no contact for a while & see how you feel & what happens.

MadeMan Sun 25-Aug-13 17:18:17

OP, how about no contact with him for a month? This will give him a chance to miss you while he's with his new woman.

I don't think telling him your true feelings at this point will make any difference, it'll just complicate things and be awkward for you. My advice, just disappear.

sincitylover Sun 25-Aug-13 16:58:18

I would also text or email him along the lines that Chipping suggested.

I have done similar myself recently.

PyroclasticFlo Sun 25-Aug-13 15:44:25

So sorry Lucy ((hug))

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 25-Aug-13 15:06:32

So sorry Lucy. It may or may not last with the woman he's dating but I think you need to work out exactly what you want. If it's truly him, then maybe send a text along the lines of what ChippingIn says, maybe adding 'Never mind, hope it goes well with new lady and I'm just glad to have you as a friend.' to the end. At least you'll have said your piece and can start to move on.

mamamidwife Sun 25-Aug-13 14:30:28

What if he was telling you so that you would lay your cards on the table? I think you should still tell him your feelings. You still have nothing to lose.

MummyBeerest Sun 25-Aug-13 14:28:40

Oh no! So sorry to hear Lucy.

The timing just seems to be off. It seems like you have a lot going on right now anyway, and to tell him may have complicated things all around. (Still doesn't make it feel any easier though)

Hope your Dad is okay.

beaglesaresweet Sun 25-Aug-13 14:01:41

it's really too early to think that his new date would become a relationship, it may fizzle out very fast for all you know.

I still think you should have said something, as Chipping suggested! maybe you still can, in a text or message? I sense he does like you a lot, your instinct can't be completely wrong, but was scared to make the first move as you are friends. Or you could stop contact for a while, and if asks why, then tell him, the friendship can still survive after that if you wanted to.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sun 25-Aug-13 13:42:30

Sorry Lucy. Fingers crossed it doesn't affect your friendship too much.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 25-Aug-13 12:35:57

Oh, bugger sad

So disappointed for you.

I don't know if I would have done what you did or if I'd have said 'Oh isn't that typical!! smile It has taken me months to pluck up the courage to tell you that I'd like more from our friendship, then when I'm about to tell you, you tell me you are seeing someone else!' grin

I guess him seeing someone else will have an impact on the time he has free to see you, but hopefully not too much.

Elsiequadrille Sun 25-Aug-13 12:20:56

I'm so sorry, Lucy. You must be disappointed.

I do hope it doesn't impact on your friendship, his dating this new person. Perhaps it was a wise move to have said nothing about your true feelings at this stage.

themidwife Sun 25-Aug-13 12:20:53

Ah bad luck Hun! The time obviously isn't right for you guys. Stay friends & you never know, one day you may both feel the same & be single!

MissDD1971 Sun 25-Aug-13 12:18:40

Sorry relationship to pan out.

Just I've been in and seen these relationships before.

You sound lovely. A real catch for lots of nice men.

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