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Sick of my lazy arse husband

(57 Posts)
Imabadmum Mon 22-Jul-13 16:44:32

Been married for 7 years, together 8, 4 dc between us (2 togther, had one each when we met) ranging in age 15 - 4.

When i stopped work to have the two youngest, he would go out to work between 11am and 3pm typically (supposed to be 9-5), sometimes less. He is a sales rep, so is flexible but plays it to the limit. Has got caught and fired several times. I eventually figured if our dc were to have any kind of childhood (holidays, nice clothes, the things all their friends have) I needed to go back to work ft and be the main breadwinner because he is hopeless. Been back at work 2.5 years now, earning well and under a fair amount of pressure. When i initially went back to work i figured, as for years he had worked 11-3 he could do school runs, and prepare an evening meal. He failed spectacularly, i would arrive home and find tortillas with cucumber and grated cheese for tea for 6 people, or something so awfully burnt as to be inedible and i would then have to cook something for the dc.

he is twatting about in the garage now with a drill, doing god knows what while i am working from home. I get up at 6-6.30am every day and work until 6pm, he gets up about 7.30 and spends the first 2 hours smoking and having coffee. I pay for an au pair to help me with the children now. whenever i do ask him to do something he makes the least possible effort, and does just the bare minimum. I cant complain he hasnt done it, but i usually have to do it all again as he has done a crap job (like getting the washing in, won't fold, just screws it up neatly, you know what i mean).

I would leave him if it werent for the dc, but i dont want to break up the family. Leaving him might make me happy, but would ruin everyone else's life so would be utterly selfish. and if the dc werent happy, i wouldnt be either.

if i try to bring this up with him he gets very angry, slams doors and storms off in a wheel spinning cloud of exhaust fumes.

he just doesnt seem to have any kind of work ethic and expects a free ride through life, off me and off his parents.

thanks for reading, moan over. If anyone has anything constructive to say please do, but quite frankly i just want to punch him in the face right now.

missbopeep Tue 23-Jul-13 08:15:04

It's a very odd set up with his parents. don't you think?
Although you say they don't trust him with money etc, they have in fact enabled him to live like a child, and forgo being responsible for his own family.

Their generosity has in fact been a huge part of the current problem. And they aren't being kind to him- they have spoiled him .

I've friends whose parents have loaned them money or bought them houses, but the deal was they were paid back as if it were a mortgage agreement, but at a lower rate of interest.

OR it was an early inheritance, and the houses were given to them, with no strings attached.

Your in laws are effectively acting as landlords and their son is still living like a child- with them and you supporting his fecklessness.

You could indeed have called off your wedding- or at least postponed it. people have done so for less!

But you started off on the wrong foot- baling him out. And that set the pattern.

If you are successful in your work- you say you work from home and can afford an au pair- then you presumably earn enough to support yourself especially if he pays maintenance if you split.

You need to get some legal advice because as things stand you'd walk away with nothing I assume, unless his parents made the house his ( and yours) and the assets were split equally.

But you might think about an escape route such as leaving with the children into rented property.

FasterStronger Tue 23-Jul-13 08:27:09

OP you need to replace 'I have made my bed now I have to lie in it' with 'I have got myself into this situation and now I am going to deal with it'

I am not telling you how to deal with it - but this is not going to get better and you need to do something.

you remind me of one of my oldest friends and this applies to her

don't confuse sacrificing yourself to achieve something and just being a doormat to avoid confrontation with someone who does not respect you and does not look after their owns DCs.

NeedlesCuties Tue 23-Jul-13 09:26:54

Do you have friends and family who you can turn to for emotional support?

You seem like a lovely woman - sensible, hard working and devoted to your children. But you also seem very sad sad

You've had some good viewpoints on this thread, and good advice too.

EachAndEveryHighway Tue 23-Jul-13 10:27:33

And the 'marital home' is owned by his parents so i would walk away with the clothes on my back despite the £thousands i have invested in it to mention blood sweat and tears building and decorating. I didnt know that until some considerable time after we were married.

That is utterly beyond outrageous. Legally would there be any comeback for such deception should you leave him? Probably not. I'm speechless at such calculated deviousness on his/their part.

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 11:47:27

Even if you walked away with nothing you still have your self respect, you job and your children. And those are the only things that matter. The house is not a home if you are not happy there. It's just bricks and mortar.

Yes, it's annoying that you've put so much money into it but are you going to continue to throw good money after bad?

You can make a new start or you can sink deeper into this miserable existence of debt, dependence and depression.

You can earn your own money, buy your own place and rebuild a happy life with your children. It can only lead to better things. If you stay where you are you the only thing you can guarantee is that you will be unhappy and disappointed with your lot.

missbopeep Tue 23-Jul-13 12:37:06

I think the fact that he deceived you over who owned 'his' house is worth talking over with a legal person.

However, it does suggest that you didn't discuss finances before marriage. If he gave the impression that he owned the house, where did that leave you re. being a joint owner, and budgeting etc?

Did you really not know he didn't own the house? Did you not ask or expect it to be put into joint names from the day you married? I don't really understand how this is something you found out after tying the knot unless there is more to it than we know from your posts.

Jan45 Tue 23-Jul-13 12:44:00

You've made your bed - what century are you living in - actually just sounds like an excuse as you don't want to give up the materialistic things in your life - I'd rather been in a small flat with my kids happy than be with a guy I have no respect for - and you found after you were married that the home is in his parents name and still is, it wouldn't be if I was there - it all sounds like everything is on his terms and your needs are not as important, only you know how much you value yourself.

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