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came across a few interesting texts, now what?

(367 Posts)
houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 07:00:42

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

PissesGlitter Sun 29-Dec-13 18:38:19

Hi how was Christmas?
He is being a complete twat and he knows it
But the longer he is there the harder it will be for you and the children

AllOverIt Sun 29-Dec-13 17:47:30

Just read the whole thread. So sorry your H is such a shit.

Stay strong OP. Get rid. You deserve a much better. sad

perfectstorm Sun 29-Dec-13 17:21:47

Hope you're doing okay, OP. flowers

pertempsnooo Sun 29-Dec-13 17:20:57

Yes OP I hope you survived what is never a pleasant situation at any time of year. We're here if you need us.

TallRedhead Fri 27-Dec-13 14:48:38

how was your Christmas?

houmousandcarrotsandwich Sat 21-Dec-13 17:40:41

I know all what your saying.
Def hysterical bonding.

It sounds so cleche but my heart wants one thing and my head another.

Deep down I don't think I can forgive, but I really want to sad
I wish I hadn't told so many people, I think I should have held on to it a little longer, it seems so final being out there.

Just riding the confusion roller coaster.
Surviving Christmas
Then.....who knows. ....

perfectstorm Sat 21-Dec-13 16:48:37

Seconding that .

He's behaved appallingly. He chose not to be bound by his marriage vows - you don't have to think giving in to his manipulations and pestering deserves a much, much higher standard of consistency than that, whatever he says or implies. If you change your mind and want him out sooner that's wholly valid. You don't owe him anything, tbh, but he's got you in a frame of mind where you feel like you do.

MerryFuckingChristmas Sat 21-Dec-13 13:58:54

It's not too late to go back to wanting him gone

Don't feel that because you have had a little cave, that it is now out of your hands

It is not

perfectstorm Sat 21-Dec-13 12:51:51

Agree you need to google hysterical bonding. I also think you need to google "hoover manuoevre". Both classic and both very much sound present.

The longer you give him to hang around after this, the more the shock and pain will dissipate and the likelier you are to let this go... until the next time. As his father inadvertantly told you, he's been raised to think he has every right to do this and if he placates enough and tells the right lies, and tries harder not to get caught next time, no problem. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong here, you know. He has no intention of doing anything differently. Your pain doesn't mean anything to him, any more than his mother's did to his father - and she will probably have rationalised it as her being his great love and the rest not mattering. What else can she do?

Very sad for you and the kids. And I hope he gets a gangrenous dick and it falls off.

SlightlyJaded Fri 20-Dec-13 20:08:32

Hummus, please google 'hysterical bonding'. The way you are feeling now will make more sense. Be kind to yourself x

MerryFuckingChristmas Fri 20-Dec-13 18:23:24


mission accomplished, for him

very sad

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Fri 20-Dec-13 15:37:55

If H has been remorseful and has turned over a new leaf, this whole episode has marked an epic change.

If he still denies it all and grinds you down, he will take it as read you are excusing him his attitudes and behaviour and giving in for a quiet life. So it continues. You then end up enduring more of the hurt and humiliation until he decides to reform or calls it a day and moves on.

Forgiving H can be a way of giving yourself peace but that's only going to count for anything if he isn't going to keep screwing up.

Bluntly, as he doesn't admit to doing anything wrong, a token show of penance, ie a few days off work followed by a few nights spent messaging his girlfriend (s) in a spare room before resuming normal life is a piece of cake, he can do that standing on his head. He thinks like a free agent but won't go - not even to give you thinking space because he knows it's a rotten situation to put you through and doesn't dare let you assert yourself.

RollerCola Fri 20-Dec-13 13:20:48

I think you just have to do whatever you need to to survive at the moment. Christmas will no doubt be affecting your decision - I found my separation very difficult and that was in July with no major events to think about.

Just keep remembering what he's done. If you forgive him now he'll carry on doing it. You know he will. He's not even had to cope with leaving the family home to make him see how wrong his actions were, so there's nothing to make him want to change.

Take your time, let him stay at home for a bit if you want. But remember you are a very strong, intelligent woman. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You deserve much much better and 'better' is out there. You won't find it with this guy.

Thinking of you.

pertempsnooo Fri 20-Dec-13 12:43:18

Sounds like a confusing time OP. How about asking for a trial separation? Then, if his behaviour changes, you can forgive him and let him back. If you realise it's for the best you don't AND he's out.

mamakoukla Fri 20-Dec-13 12:36:25

If you feel you need them then maybe you do (?). You have described a longterm and sometimes difficult relationship. Take all of the support you can get to look after you.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Fri 20-Dec-13 12:34:04

I did consider the samaritans, but just felt for people who must really need them this Christmas.

I have said he can stay over Xmas (in spare room)

mamakoukla Fri 20-Dec-13 12:33:27

Houmous, be gentle with yourself. You cannot suddenly undo the good memories and hopes for what was your partnership.

Give yourself some space and time.

You are tremendous. You sound lovely. I am sending you hugs Xxxxx

cafesociety Fri 20-Dec-13 12:30:30

houmous you may be able to forgive [but we can only forgive those who say sorry remember] but I fear this issue will erupt in the future in some form or another, and can you trust. I think it will be in your mind eating away, at regular intervals.
I know there is often a 'goodbye fuck' between people who have been so close for so long. But that's all it is. It's a way of letting go.

Have you someone in RL who you can talk to today? Can you talk to the Samaritans? When we hear ourselves talk and describe a scenario and our emotions we often hear a clearer picture and get a light bulb moment. Good luck.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Fri 20-Dec-13 12:22:52

Sobbing mess today. I was so sure what I wanted (him out) and now I just don't know. I want to run away as far from my life as I can.

I've got the washing machine being repaired in hslf an hour, the guys gonna think im a loon !

Just phoned my mum. She was fucking useless. Why doesn't she want to come over and cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be ok?! She's 30 minutes away, hardly the end of the earth.

Today I feel like I want to forgive. But is that really going to be possible? !

ElizaCBennett Fri 20-Dec-13 10:44:09

Felt so sad when I read your latest post. You were so close to being free and are now confused and wavering. Only you know how you want this to play out. Be strong and dig deep, good luck.

SlightlyJaded Fri 20-Dec-13 10:05:07

Completely normal response. Truly - almost textbok. Google 'hysterical bonding'.

It's happened. It often does. Now step away x

RollerCola Fri 20-Dec-13 10:04:30

You're not stupid, it's understandable considering how mixed up you are. You hate him & want him to leave but at the same time you still have feelings for him and no doubt he is now desperate for you to change your mind.

Is he still leaving today? Can you be strong and stick to your guns? I think you need to show him that he can't just jump back into bed with you and make everything alright. Nothing's changed. He's still been unfaithful. He's still walked all over you with no regard for your feelings.

He's panicking now & desperately clinging to the hope that he can make you change your mind. In the only way he knows how.

Good luck, be strong my friend.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Fri 20-Dec-13 09:49:38

Part of the pattern and what happens when the other person displays a sudden 180 degree turn to hang onto his marriage like grim death. It doesn't mean you forgive him everything but he's back in control which is at the crux of all this.

MissScatterbrain Fri 20-Dec-13 07:24:12

Please don't beat yourself up about this.

You are bound to have a few setbacks and this is just one of these.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Fri 20-Dec-13 07:07:43


I don't really know how it happened, but I had sex with h last night.
He finially said he would go tommorow (Friday). I felt the complete opposite to the strong person i had been all day

Dont get me wrong, I consented to it. But now feeling so mixed up.

Feel like ive let myself down (and all of the great support I've had from you guys)

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