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came across a few interesting texts, now what?

(367 Posts)
houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 07:00:42

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

perfectstorm Sat 27-Jul-13 21:43:45

You don't need to divorce for adultery. You can cite unreasonable behaviour and use the evidence of probable infidelity as support for that. The grounds really don't matter and he can't challenge unreasonable behaviour as the standard is subjective anyway - it's whether the person seeking the divorce can cope with the behaviour, not whether a random person could.

I'd ask for a fixed-fee session with a decent solicitor to advise you pre-mediation, but if you have to home the kids then you will need a greater slice of the assets to do that with. Have you looked at child/working tax credits - if you use your savings to pay down the mortgage to a more reasonable level you presumably would be below the savings threshold, and perhaps entitled on that basis?

I'm so sorry that you've learned this about him. It's devastating. But life without the uncertainty and anxiety will be such a relief - and there are lovely, decent men out there as well. Ones who'd no more cheat as a lifestyle choice than they would fly.

swallowedAfly Sun 28-Jul-13 08:03:52

you'll get child tax credits too and working tax credits if you work 16hrs a week or more and his maintenance won't get considered as part of your income so it will literally just be on your salary which unless you're a very lucky lady won't be high enough part time to disqualify you from tax credit help.

i don't know how many children you have or how much you earn so couldn't say how much it would be but you can use the online tax credit calculator to work that out by putting in your personal income last year and doing it all as if you were a single mum. bear in mind the amount it tells you will be for the rest of this tax year not a yearly amount - so the amount will be for what... 8months now so you can add another 50% on to get your actual yearly entitlement.

i do think it's a great idea to look into all this stuff and arm yourself - fear of the unknown is often far worse than the reality and at least knowing it all reassures you a bit that if you do decide or have to do this it will be manageable.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 28-Jul-13 08:09:54

Google Olgaga's blog for info on finances after separation.

perfectstorm Sun 28-Jul-13 12:03:31

There's a tax credits entitlement calculator here.

I agree that it would amaze me if a single parent working part time wasn't entitled to help. Child maintenance is disregarded, as said, and having just had a check with that calculator it seems in tax credit terms so are savings. Housing benefit can be applied to the interest on a mortgage, too, if you don't have substantial savings.

swallowedAfly Sun 28-Jul-13 17:00:26

hey - i have my final answer to this question having pondered.

good sex should take a lifetime in an ideal world but with plenty of breaks along the way.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Fri 02-Aug-13 12:11:25

I really wanted to end this thread on flys quote but thought you deserved an update.

Me and h seperated yesterday. I asked him to sort out sti test and he hadn't. This may sound a bit lame but I told him if he wanted to save our marriage he needed toddo what I asked of him. (I'd even left the local clinic info in ipad for him!)

Today is first day as a lone parent and it's been super s**t. Have no car (being fixed), friends are nowhere to be seen (holidays, plans, plus about to loose lots as aksi friends with h) and family are a joke to be honest (spoke to my mum yesterday who said I need to stop being dramatic and be a wife to my husband! ).
Have shouted at dc's when I probably shouldn't and finding it hard to keep them happy! (Plus ds, 3, keeps asking when daddy is coming home! ).
Hoping life improves, or I will be begging for him to come home :'(

myroomisatip Fri 02-Aug-13 12:28:12

I am sorry it got to this for you and I am sure it will get better.

I would give you a hand if you were nearer, I am at a loose end and about to take myself off for a Big Mac lol

Keep posting you will get lots of support. flowers and brew

houmousandcarrotsandwich Fri 02-Aug-13 12:34:44

Big Mac sounds good! grin

swallowedAfly Fri 02-Aug-13 12:46:20

omg i'm so sorry - my post was meant for another thread entirely! i'm so sorry!

so he just totally refused to go and get an sti check even in the face of losing his marriage? shock

Jan45 Fri 02-Aug-13 12:59:56

It will be shit, probably for a little while, please don't take him back before even give yourself the opportunity to shine, I am sure you will cope but it will take a's also a shame your support network doesn't seem to be there, as has been said, keep posting, we're always here!

Well done for having the clarity to realise what you want out of life.

Madamecastafiore Fri 02-Aug-13 13:09:55

It will be shit for a while but you have your self respect and your dignity and you are being a great mum to your children at a very difficult time. Pamper both yourself and them and always remember that this has come about due to the choices he made.

He chose to betray you the first time because your dad died (WTF???) and then because you were not showing him enough attention, having enough couple time together (again WTF????), no, really he is a duplicitous, lying, cheating shitbag - for that there is no excuse.

I hope things start looking up for you.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Fri 02-Aug-13 14:07:09

Thanks guys!

He said he would do sti test, was adamant he'd pass, but never sorted out the test (?!)

To be fair to my friends, closest are on hols or at work today. Family, well, I don't think they will ever change (my sister has text me, having spoken to my mum, saying I really need to think about what I'm doing! )

Youngest has just had a 2 hour nap, allowing mummy and her brother to have a fun leisurely lunch (she's just scored some major Brownie points!!)

Thanks for all your support x

Lostinspace1 Fri 02-Aug-13 14:44:30

Hugs to you Houmous!!

If its any consolation I could well be you in a couple of years - 2 years into my relationship I discovered my boyfriend had registered on a dating website. Years later I only clocked that he had basically done this with all the girls he had been with. He said at the time it was because of all the stress of his dying uncle! I haven't married him and we have strictly kept our finances apart as I will always doubt him a bit after that. But now I'm pregnant 8 years later. There is a part of me that wants to be free of the constant niggling doubt and be a single mum so don't be sad being alone - it should be incredibly liberating for you once you get over the bumpy/change bit. I think you've definitely done the right thing.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 02-Aug-13 15:07:37

Well I'm glad he's out.
Sorry, but what he's done is not OK and you've seen that now so that's good.
You deserve so much more.
It will be totally crap for a while. But it will get better.
Take each hour/day at a time and you'll get there.
Be good to yourself though. You need to look after you and your kids now.
Good luck with everything.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Sat 03-Aug-13 18:16:56

Oh lostinspace I hope for you and baby that you don't have to go through this. Good luck with baby x

perfectstorm Sat 03-Aug-13 18:22:18

So sorry, OP. It's heartbreaking. I send you lots of love and supportive good wishes; I'm sure a lot of MN do. It is nice, though, to read a woman who is actually standing up to this BS. So many (I've been there, so not judging) can't bring themselves to end it when treated so badly.

perfectstorm Sat 03-Aug-13 18:23:13

lostinspace I missed your post - so hope things all work out for you.

SquinkiesRule Sat 03-Aug-13 19:06:23

So sorry your Mum and sister aren't standing up for you. That is bloody mean. They would rather you stay with a cheating arse and catch a disease? Shame on them.
Stay strong you can do this.

onefewernow Sun 04-Aug-13 08:37:02

OP it's always tough at first. You were strong enough to boot him out- you'll be ok .

Make some plans for the summer. Maybe go back to counselling. Ignore your family.

That man was never going to change. But one fray you will no doubt meet one who would never be such a weak minded, self centred twat. As long as you do the work on yourself as to why you stayed the first time.

Read the chumplady website too. All if it.

Weak me. Who do t take full responsibility don't change, or not much. He was treating you like his mother and himself a naughty boy, without really caring for your feelings in this.

And so I think those last texts were a set up.

onefewernow Sun 04-Aug-13 08:38:30

Weak men ! And one day not fray.

swallowedAfly Sun 04-Aug-13 09:00:06

it is gonna be tough with your family joining in with the gaslighting (in this case it being making you feel your emotions and response are irrational and silly and you are over reacting when actually you're not but that will be hard to hold onto with everyone minimising and pressuring you to deny your own reality).

i'm not convinced you are even starting from a position of believing your own feelings and hunches about all this which i suspect will make it more than tough and damn near impossible.

if you're serious about wanting to move forward (in whatever direction) rather than just go for an ostrich impression then i reckon you need to go and have some counselling and have someone neutral and outside of the whole family dynamic to talk things through with.

would you consider it?

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 05-Dec-13 07:57:47

Re Lighting this thread, rather then having to tell the whole sorry tale again!, now be warned this could be long...

So I took him back..
I was pressured by my family (and of course him). Neither of us went for sti testing.
For a while all was good, improving (head in sand, I know!)
Starting getting depressed again (have history of this) back on antidepressants and they have really helped. I'm looking after myself much better, enjoying my DCs more. Not sure if if it's the meds but I removed head from sand and thought I need to deal with this once and for all. Started by looking at his emails. Found he had been sent some naked pictures from a lady (sent from an iPhone with a normal email adress, so not some spammy porn site) and some emails between them a little flirty nothing more. But this was happening while I was out for a meal with my mum.

So I went for an sti test just over a week ago (no results yet)
I got hold of the phone overnight a few days later. He deletes EVERYTHING! But thanks to the wonder of spotlight search, I found more evidence (I'll give you the edited version or we will be here all day) There was talk with the previous woman about christening his new car, evidence they met up to go the cinema (and said they prob wouldn't see much of the film) and her mentioning it had been going on for over a year. He had also sent her a picture of our newborn DD sad
Also lots of messages to numbers (no names), which show arranging meeting up, including asking if she wanted his wedding ring on or off? (which she said it wasn't his wedding ring she would be looking at).with one he was asked why he stayed with me and he said for the kids and money reasons.
Unfortunately with spotlight I don't know when these messages were sent (before or after last time I found out) or who said what.

Last night I also found him on a dating website. Not much on there but his profile pic is a selfie is taken in our bedroom and you can see the canvas of DS as a baby in the background sad

So that's it, I'm done. I'm kicking his lying, cheating arse out (I don't care if it is nearly Christmas). I'm almost looking forward to it.

My plan is to get sti results first (may aswell have all my evidence) and also I'm working this weekend (my only shift this month) and I will be needing the money come January, so I may aswell hold fire (I will be sleeping at work, only home for a few hours each day).

Hope to have results By Monday/Tuesday, then I'm doing it.
Was thin king of saying I've had the results and I'm now going to ask him one last time if he's slept with anyone else.... (what do you think?)
I almost want sti results to show something, but think I will bluff even if they don't ?

Any advice/hand holding is so appreciated as I haven't told anyone in RL x

Longdistance Thu 05-Dec-13 08:13:36

I hope the test comes back negative, as you really don't want to have to deal with an sti.

I'm all for lying to him, saying you have something like chlamydia, and then he'll have to afmit it. You'll have all the evidence anyway.

I still don't understand the pressure your ds and dm put on you to stay with him. What's all that about?

Good luck with the results.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Thu 05-Dec-13 08:18:27

Just handholding. You are completely doing the right thing.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 05-Dec-13 08:22:50

I think my mum is a real stick head in sand type. Also my dad died not that long after we married and I wonder if she sees it as his like last golden moment and he gave H his blessing etc (dad died suddenly so I think mum also felt me and sis were being cared for during our grieving... Ha!).
As for my sister, we are not very close and she is a real judging person. When we initially split she said "you don't want to end up like one of 'those' people ok Jeremy Kyle". Basically in her eyes if you don't follow the script (get married, have kids and live happily ever after) your odd.

Now, I don't care if I haven't got their support. It's MY family (DS & DD) that I'm looking out for. I'm their example and I would be pissed at anyone who treated them the way H has treated me. I'm teaching them that being a doormat is not acceptable.

I seem to obsess about - getting evidence. I think it's because I kept not wanting it to be true. Also he cannot argue with fact. Any ideas how I can get more evidence?!

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