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came across a few interesting texts, now what?

(367 Posts)
houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 07:00:42

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

Mixxy Mon 22-Jul-13 22:01:36

I think that's where we got got our wires crossed led I don't advocate any women plays a wait and see game, or contemplates just sucking it up while living in denial.
Time and again here, women talk about the denial, the deleting of information and the minimizing. If you gather the information, you cannot live in denial oneself. It also cuts down on the amount of time he can then spend dicking around with denials, misdirection and all the other ploys.

I agree ask for the truth. She is entitled to it. But one shouldn't expect to get it. From there its up to her how much crap she's willing to deal with.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Tue 23-Jul-13 06:30:07

Thanks all. I appreciate you are being honest and saying it as it is.

Am kicking myself as was so exhausted last night I slept right through, do didn't get chance to get phone. Saw one message flash up from one of them "xx"

Found both on Facebook. Both appear to have kids and definitely one works with him. The one is really pretty :'(
I wonder if they know about each other? Feel like messaging them to tell them about the other (im usually such a nasty person)

Trying to keep busy x

Mixxy Tue 23-Jul-13 07:19:48

So he does work with at least one of them.

Is 'trying to keep busy' a way of biding your time or a way of seeing if you can stick your neck in the sand and hopes it goes away?

Hope your day is plenty busy, houmous.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Tue 23-Jul-13 12:14:15

Got the phone while he was in the shower. She suggested that meet early for work Saturday as it will be quite.
I went ballistic, packed him a bag. He came out the shower and called him all the names under the sun said I knew what was going on, ssid their names. Told him to leave, I don't deserve to be hurt like this etc.

He cried, swears the its just been flirty texts and he knows he's done wrong.
After I calmed down I suggested talking properly when the kids were in bed tonight (they were downstairs when this was happening)

I desperately want to believe him, I don't want to break up my family.
We both agreed we don't do enough as a couple and this is something we need to work on.

Any advice, feel like im swimming in emotional soup x

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 12:24:20

Well done on confronting him. You did the right thing to tell him no uncertain terms that you will not accept being treated like this.

I think he will try to do damage control as much as he can. What was his first reaction? To try and get you to take some responsibility - We both agreed we don't do enough as a couple and this is something we need to work on - and that's not a good sign.

If that was the case, he could have talked to you about it, it didn't mean that he had to go flirting with other women did it?

I think that whilst you have the upper hand just now, you should push forward and take a strong stance. Tell him to move out whilst you think about what you want.

This does not mean that the relationship is over but he doesn't need to know that. He needs to be absolutely petrified that he's blown it and lost the only woman he really wants. Only then will he be truly contrite, take 100% responsibility for what he has done and do whatever he needs to to regain your trust.

OrmirianResurgam Tue 23-Jul-13 12:25:40

Hi hummous, sorry to read this. Been there, done it. One thing to be aware of is once the dust has settled there will be more to come out. H at first told me he was helping her out because her life was difficult at the time. Bollocks he was! Once we really had a heart to heart he was very honest with me (too honest for me at the time as it hurt). There will be painful things to hear but they have to be heard for you to make the right decision. Good luck x

libertine73 Tue 23-Jul-13 12:47:36

so he goes looking for 'no strings sex' but that's OK cos he didn't actually do it hmm now he's having flirty relationships but that's OK too, cos he hasn't done anything about it.

Love,I'm really sorry,but if that's all there is,I'll eat my hat sad

houmousandcarrotsandwich Tue 23-Jul-13 12:54:58

Feel so angry! So mixed up
One of the women is married with a bsby whose not even a year, the other a single parent. Don't they give a shit about my poor children (they know they exist as they were mentioned in texts)

Will keep you all posted, thanks for taking the time to read my rantings, haven't come out in rl yet

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 12:58:30

houmous keep hold of that anger. It will help you. But try not to direct it at the women. Remember, he is the one who has to answer to you. Yes, they are at fault too but they don't owe you any loyalty. He does.

Val007 Tue 23-Jul-13 13:04:30

He is playing it sweet until you forgive him again. In the end of the day, he got away with it last time, didn't he? So why shouldn't he do it again? They never change, sorry. Womanisers, the lowest scum on earth. They always have excuses and we WANT to believe them. They know it, so they do what they want. Hate them!!!

practicality Tue 23-Jul-13 13:04:43

Take a stand and make him leave for a while while you think things through otherwise he will smother you in bullshit and you will cave .He will scent that you don't want to break up the family and will figure he has a free pass TO EFFECTIVELY WALK ALL OVER YOU. With the prospect of a bit of grief from you when you uncover his underhand behaviour set against carte blanche extra curriculars, well you are set up for more of the same.

Don't get mad get icy calm in your dealings with him. Unnerve him. Don't behave as expected. He has to feel that losing you is a very real prospect.

practicality Tue 23-Jul-13 13:06:16

There is no point focussing on other women. He is your partner and the only one answerable in this case.

Jan45 Tue 23-Jul-13 13:17:22

OMG, so it's your fault too that he's flirting with other women - cos you don't do enough as a couple, well sorry but are you texting two different men, no didn't think so.

He's been caught, of course he's sorry, and he'll use anything he can clutch at to make out it's your problem too - he's vile isn't he and he's already cheated before - it's up to you but he is definitely not a man you can trust, I don't see him changing.

Tell him to go, at least until you can think straight without him trying to confuse you with it being your fault too.....honestly, what a rat.

Jan45 Tue 23-Jul-13 13:18:06

And why are you focusing on the other women, they don't even know you so why would they care - your partner is making an arse out of you, sorry to be so blunt, get angry and get him out, for now anyway.

Cluffyflump Tue 23-Jul-13 13:22:37

I would take his phone, laptop, tablet ect now.
If he's going to have an open and honest discussion tonight, may as well start now.
If he refuses to hand them over, then you know he's planing on more lies sad

swallowedAfly Tue 23-Jul-13 13:51:17

you have no idea what he's told them - for all you know they think you are a stark raving mad and make his life an utter misery and he has put up with you purely because he is a saint of a father who doesn't want to hurt his children etc etc etc.

THEY are not your problem. he is. and no this isn't because you don't do enough together as a couple. the answer to that is to take you out and make time not to go lying to and flirting with other women.

i'm sorry but this is awful - he has no respect.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Tue 23-Jul-13 16:46:08

Wish I'd checked back before messaging one of them now blush
I just said I had seen her messsges and I know it was a two way thing but what was she thinking behaving like this with a man who is married with 2 kids (so not too bunny boiler like?!)

Will keep you posted on tonights developments x

Jan45 Tue 23-Jul-13 16:49:43

Good luck chucking him out, he needs a serious reality check.

SawofftheOW Tue 23-Jul-13 17:31:31

Thinking of you - it is such a horrible position to be in. Posters are all right - he will try and minimise, minimise. By texting her it gives them chance to get their story together. But I'd have done the same and - hell - be a bunny boiler if you want! This is serious encroachment on your private marital territory. She is as bad as he and she knows exactly what she is doing - I have not a shred of sympathy for either of them. I'm so sorry but meeting at work early because it will be 'quiet' may also have given them the opportunity to go and have sex together somewhere. It's grim, I know, but my DH would meet his OW at work early, go for a run with her then shag her in a locked changing room when they got back, her having performed oral sex on him while out for the 'run'. Yes, it's shit and they all lie. All of them. He needs to be very, very afraid of losing you and your family life. How the hell would he react if he discovered you had behaved like this? Trust me, there is no way that he would accept that it was 'his fault'. Keep us updated and we all feel and share your pain. The physical and mental impact is terrible so try and look after yourself. Easier said than done I know. x

DfanjoUnchained Tue 23-Jul-13 17:34:46

You can't be the bunny boiler, you're the wife!

So sorry though. I hope it really just was flirty texts. Didnt you read back a bit to see more?

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 17:39:39

Also, insist that he goes for an sti check and brings you the paperwork to prove it. Even if he hasn't had sex without anyone he will appreciate that you can't just take his word for it right now and if he wants to work on the relationship, it would be the least he could to put your mind at rest.

This is a test. Try it out on him and see his reaction.

MissStrawberry Tue 23-Jul-13 17:40:14

He is following the script.

He knew he has done wrong but carried on.

YOU are not the one who is breaking up the family. HE is.

Somehow he has managed to put some blame on you by saying you don't do enough as a family.

He is behaving disgracefully and you packing a bag was fantastic and you should have kicked him out.

SawofftheOW Tue 23-Jul-13 17:41:37

Oh and agree totally with Swallowedafly - my DH said the most terrible things about me to his OW. I went from being the 'love of his life' (to me) to 'controlling, no interest in sex, always working (!), not interested in going to the gym, hyper-critical, always depressed (cheers for that), and simply not good enough for him'. Nice. At the same time he was sending me cards telling me that he totally adored me, I was the sexiest woman on earth and that he hated being apart from me for even a day (I was working abroad at the time). He became a man I didn't know and didn't recognise. It is like a nightmare - they have a personality transplant and it seems to be so prevalent, particularly in men, that I am sure it almost qualifies as a mental health issue. Be prepared for what he has said about you, his DW, to the OWomen. God, so sorry. x

Hissy Tue 23-Jul-13 19:27:48

Listen, regardless of how you feel, you need to be PREPARED to go the whole 9 yards and end the marriage.

Even if it's the last thing on your mind, you have to make him believe absolutely that you will go through with it unless he jumps through all the hoops to NEVER let this happen again.

If he feels like ever going looking for NSA, you want to know first so you can get his bag packed and book the locksmith.

Mean it.

Nothing short of bringing him up to speed damned fast will shake him out of this.

Cabrinha Tue 23-Jul-13 19:31:33

I'd tell him to fuck off.
To those who think - you should just be able to ask. Well, yes. I did that. Just asked, listened, suggested counselling. His story: I only looked at escort sites blah blah blah. What do you do? When they lie, and you have no evidence and don't want to break up your baby's home?
And that was in a situation with no financial dependency.
Fast forward 5 years... I found evidence. A miserable unfulfilling marriage and he'd clearly been sleep with prostitutes the whole time.
Divorce papers are in court as I type.
I understand why people want evidence.

You know though, OP, this time when he pulled the "I only looked" line, it didn't work because I said "you know that's enough though? It's over".
He was lying, but it didn't matter.

Even if your H was telling the truth, the flirty messages are reason enough, with his previous behaviour, to leave him. Or you live a soul destroying half life checking for evidence, wondering what the next revelation will be. Chuck him out. If there is any chance to save this, it'll only be with his effort, and I'm sorry to say I expect he won't even try.

Good luck to you. x

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