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came across a few interesting texts, now what?

(367 Posts)
houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 07:00:42

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

Ledkr Mon 22-Jul-13 09:23:42

I'm sorry mizzy I'm not with you?

Ledkr Mon 22-Jul-13 09:25:27

Oh I see now. It's better to look at his phone again while he's asleep than to just have an adult discussion with the most important person in your life.
Yes of course. That makes perfect sense.

TalkativeJim Mon 22-Jul-13 09:42:38

You could look at this another way.

What do you want?

I think you run the risk of getting bogged down in looking for 'evidence'.

You have all the evidence you need of the important bit... that he is a cheat, and more than that, pretty much a nasty slimebag. You know the latter from last time - his excuse (or rather the way he chose to blame you) for his betrayal was that you were grieving?? I'd want to be a million miles away from a relationship with a man like that. That's unbelievably bad in every sense. That isn't a husband, a partner, a father.

So you know from then that he's neither loyal, nor kind, nor honest... and that he's weak, too.

And now you know that it wasn't a one-off, mad event - but a pattern. Does it matter if you know he has actually kissed or inserted his dick into one of these women? What would it change? He's unfaithful, he lies to you, he thinks it's ok to pursue inappropriate relationships with other women and he will keep doing it because he wants to and because he is absolutely fine with lying to you and cheating on you. His idea of marriage is this.

So what do you want? Do you want to stay with this man despite this? You have all the time in the world to think about it. You don't have to gather any more evidence than you have in order to decide to leave him. I think I would focus on what I wanted from life, in the full realisation now that having a good, honest, strong marriage with this man was not one of the options.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 10:41:04

If only it was that easy? !

Ledkr Mon 22-Jul-13 11:53:30

No it's not easy at all. I had to boot my cheating arse out when I was recovering from cancer and had 4 dc one a baby.
In your case tho I'd just say. Look mate, I've read some texts. Really sorry I did that but what I saw is doing my head in. Especially with what happened before.
How about you explain and help me to feel better?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Jul-13 12:16:50

It's easier than you think to put it to him. What's not easy are all the consequences of doing so. Consequences that you're probably rattling through in your head right now. What's really tough, however, is to say nothing, suck down all the resentment and unhappiness and then find yourself self-medicating the pain away with booze, pills or fattening foods.....

Mixxy Mon 22-Jul-13 12:32:12

What I meant led was that you just seem to attack the
OP rather smugly without offering advice.

And it is unfortunate for people like yourself that they are the most shocked when lying occurs within a marriage. You just couldnt possibly believe a man who you have totally been honest with could lie to your face.

ImperialBlether Mon 22-Jul-13 12:40:12

I think you're extrapolating a hell of a lot there, Mixxy and you're getting really personal. There's no need to use phrases like "people like yourself" and then make a huge general assumption.

Fairenuff Mon 22-Jul-13 12:47:26

Previous cheating, keeping phone close, dodgy text messages. Do you really need more evidence? Just confront him.

Mixxy Mon 22-Jul-13 12:56:40

Your right, imperial, I shouldn't have said 'people like yourself'. Sorry led. It just seems to me that a lot of times people are so upset by affairs because they leadt expect them. They seem to suffer under the illusion that
they are 50% of a great marriage, when the other person is lying to them the entire time. Is it not almost universal that people say 'what hurt most was the lies'.

Ledkr Mon 22-Jul-13 13:09:45

Um! Did you read my last post?
After 18 yrs and four kids damn right I was surprised.
I'm certainly not "people like you" I've had it tough like many others.
What I have learned though is its best to be upfront rather than sit on fear as often its unfounded but if not then the truth is sometimes easier than the unknown.

ColinButterfly Mon 22-Jul-13 13:23:08

It's hard to confront - you want the truth but at the same time you can't handle the truth. Ignorance being bliss and all.

Good luck

Mixxy Mon 22-Jul-13 14:43:43

I see Led. What I was getting at, albeit not very clearly, is that some might want to confront with a bit more ammo. Knowing that cheaters, deny, delete and minimize, Im in the camp of presenting the question in a form of a fait-au-complet. Because the denial is then by-passed and you can really just lay it all out.

Sorry you had such an awful time. flowers. And apologies on my unclear statements. I meant no offence.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 15:23:40

Ok my marriage isn't perfect, but its not awful. We don't have blazing rows, he's not violent, I genuinely love and care for him.

I am scared of being a single mum, only because it is the unknown.
I also want the very best for my children and I wonder if I can just learn to live with the situation, it will mean not hurting them.

Thanks for all your response. I feel I need to have solid proof, then if thid is the end I hope my nit keft feeling I've made a mistake. With proof there is no denying the facts

Ledkr Mon 22-Jul-13 15:27:10

Good luck op xx

MissStrawberry Mon 22-Jul-13 17:33:06

Only someone who is up to no good would want no people watching them while they talked.

Seth Mon 22-Jul-13 17:50:26

Ledkr and swallowed..I think it's plainly obvious that neither of you have been in the position that the Op finds herself in (as I did too a few years back) .If you had then you would realise how insensitive and lacking in understanding you both sound. It's not that simple. Not helpful in this instance either.

Seth Mon 22-Jul-13 17:51:50

Ledkr apologies.was responding to an earlier post of yours.

Hissy Mon 22-Jul-13 19:11:02

I get Ledkr's position, she sees the OP's situation as a lot more cut and dried, because (a) she's on the other side of it, and (b) cancer and 4dc on top kind of puts betrayal by a bloke into perspective.

Being a single parent is what millions of others do every day. It's lightyears better than the alternative of watching your soul crumble to a million pièces, and teaching your kids that a crappy man is better than no man.

OP, don't be scared. There's nothing to be scared of. It's only a change in your life's path. You'll be OK. You'll probably be way better than OK actually, as life with a cheat is a permanently borrowed situation. We all deserve better than that!

Hissy Mon 22-Jul-13 19:12:29

I'm not minimising your pain btw OP, I know it hurts worse than anything you've ever felt, but it's not your fault, and it doesn't mean anything about you.

He's a twat. Always was, always will be.

Hissy Mon 22-Jul-13 19:14:22

So why should you be the one agonising? Sit him down, tell him you 'know' and watch him wriggle.

swallowedAfly Mon 22-Jul-13 20:52:35

i'm not being insensitive. the reality is that truth is the only way forward. you can delay it playing games, denying it, hoping you can ignore it and pretend all is well but that is not reality and it is not healthy. real, grown up life is about facing the truth head on and dealing with it. no i'm not saying that's easy and i'm a lone parent of a six year old and whilst i'm happy enough most of the time no it isn't easy but living in some bullshit relationship would have destroyed my soul so a bit not easy and rough versus living in deceit and bullshit is an obvious equation in my book.

as it is in everyone's really whether they go straight to it or dance around and torture themselves for 5, 10, 30 years first.

this is your life OP. truth and reality is the only way forward really. anything else is a massive detour and waste of your precious time.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 22-Jul-13 21:20:29

Homous, I totally understand your need to want more evidence.

I've been in your position. Five months before I found out everything something came to light and I confronted dp, he denied, I believed him and even apologised to being paranoid! angry

When the whole sorry story came out it took dp about three weeks to admit to everything (and things I would never have found out) initially he tried to minimise.

With this in mind I too would gather as much evidence as possible, his phone is the key!

Hissy Mon 22-Jul-13 21:24:12

SAF, you're right, the truth IS the only way.

Regardless of what that brings, living truthfully really is better than guessing, second guessing and wondering what on earth's going on.

Ledkr Mon 22-Jul-13 21:33:39

If I ever come across as insensitive I apologise but it's because I feel very passionately about women feeling that they are capable of more than just accepting what their partners dish out.
I was bloody petrified when I kicked out dh but I knew I wanted a happier life and staying with him after his betrayal would make me very unhappy.
I had a shift job, 8 month old baby, fake tits and a bad prognosis. Huge mortgage etc.
oh but life was so much sweeter once I'd grieved and recovered and my dignity is still strong too.
All I was trying to say to the op was just to ask him the truth.
If he's got nothing to hide then he will be fine with that surely.

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