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came across a few interesting texts, now what?

(367 Posts)
houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 07:00:42

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

TheFallenNinja Mon 22-Jul-13 07:03:17

Evidence of what? He got a friendly text from a woman you don't know.

nkf Mon 22-Jul-13 07:07:03

Why would anyone hate to talk while being watched? Odd, I agree. Snoop a bit more maybe?

Mixxy Mon 22-Jul-13 07:07:21

Lookbat his phone when he is asleep.If its all innocent, forget it.

kalidanger Mon 22-Jul-13 07:07:52

I'd definitely be suspicious at the very least "I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching" implies "because I want to talk to you alone"

How friendly are the other texts?

houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 07:36:48

I wanted to look again when he was asleep last night (I didn't get much sleep! ) but he seemed to wake/stir every time I got up (for water, toddler falling out of bed etc).

Glad others are maybe seeing what I am and not judt being paranoid!

Texts included talk of if they went to the zoo together it would look "weird" (with the other woman whose name I dont remember) asking (maybe more begging) for him to come along to someones birthday drinks as he's so funny when he's drunk (I know nothing of these birthday drinks, whose birthday it is or previous drinkd when it's not been just 'lads')
Lots of "good night x"
The one whose name I do remember is very common, so Facebook searches maybe out of the question (are there ways of narrowing down a search? ). Dh not on Facebook so can't check there.

Maybe I should also mention thst he had some kind of Internet affair just after we got married. He says he never met/had sex with any of them just chatted (Although he put on dating type sites he was looking for no strings fun). He says it was his way of coping with my grief/depression (my dad had just suddenly died). I was too weak to chuck him out then and over a few months we moved on from it.

Where else is good to look for evidence?

coffeewineandchocolate Mon 22-Jul-13 07:44:31

do you know his email password? does he use a laptop? I think you can get a programme which records keystrokes is what he is typing. tbh if you don't trust him is probably already over as you will drive yourself mad wondering.

DfanjoUnchained Mon 22-Jul-13 07:49:39

Dig more before you confront otherwise if there is something going on, he will delete everything.
The 'goodnights' and xx suggest an EA to me

Mixxy Mon 22-Jul-13 07:50:39

Second time offender, huh? Keep at that phone. Any chance of email access? Put the woman's name into facebook, even if it is common, people often put their locstion and the company they work for out there.

kalidanger Mon 22-Jul-13 07:52:37

Oh, he's got form for trying to cheat and blaming you? Great hmm

TheFallenNinja Mon 22-Jul-13 07:56:17

Ok, so a bit more info tells me more.

I would just confront him. You will know by his face if he's telling the truth.

Fairylea Mon 22-Jul-13 07:59:57

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound good, especially as he has form for this sort of thing.

He should have been supporting you when your dad died, not looking for someone else to fuck (sorry to be so harsh but I feel so angry on your behalf).

I would actually take screen shots of the texts using your own phone and confront him about it. Personally I think it would be a bit of a deal breaker for me, it's clearly flirtatious behaviour.

swallowedAfly Mon 22-Jul-13 08:03:59

doesn't look good at all. i agree with whoever said just confront him and watch his face. surely if you've lived with someone for 7 years you are totally able to know when they are lying?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Jul-13 08:07:19

You've got the evidence. hmm Sit him down and tell him that you're onto him and demand to know what the hell is going on. Get him on the back foot with no time to think about his answers and you'll be able to tell instantly if he's fobbing you off.

Mixxy Mon 22-Jul-13 08:07:57

Don't trust the face! Polished liars fool people all the time. I mean you had no suspicions first, right? You never get to go back and snoop after you confront as they all delete things!

DfanjoUnchained Mon 22-Jul-13 08:10:55

Someone who is having an affair can lie very well and put on a poker face. Then the op will doubt herself and never know the truth

UnrequitedSkink Mon 22-Jul-13 08:11:52

Sounds like someone he works with, so if you have got a name and company you can just Google and if she has a linkedin profile it should come up. I'm not sure what it will achieve but I'd want to know. Good luck holding back on confronting him though, I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to do that.

josiejay Mon 22-Jul-13 08:13:24

Wow he tried to cheat on you because you were depressed after losing your dad? Nice.

I think you know it isn't looking good. He miight not have slept with this woman but that first text implies more than friendship. So sorry you're going through this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Jul-13 08:14:29

"Someone who is having an affair can lie very well and put on a poker face"

Only if they're relaxed and prepared IME. Take them by surprise, pick a calm moment, go in hard, go in angry, tell them 'I know what's been going on' and they don't have time to compose their features convincingly.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 08:22:36

Can't believe I'm here again to be honest. Upset pretty much covers it.

I want solid proof, then he can't lie. So annoyed I chucked the evidence from last time, as I told myself I had to let go of the past and not to punish him as I had forgiven him.

I have checked email, nothing (but thats how i confirmed evidence last time, so surely not that stupid! )

Unfortunately no lap top, all his internet is done on phone (thanks technology! )

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Jul-13 08:23:44

You've got solid proof. Bluff the rest. Make out you know a lot more than you actually do. Use your smarts!!!

Ledkr Mon 22-Jul-13 08:26:13

I always wonder about these threads.
Years ago I looked at dh phone (only been together a few months then) and was a bit pissed off about a couple of things I read.
Upset, I told him straight that I was really sorry but I read his texts and was now wondering about one of them.
He was more concerned that I was upset than the fact if read his phone, explained what the text meant and it was all sorted.
If dh read my messages and then felt worried I would be more concerned about reassuring him than my privacy.
I often wonder how people are married and have kids with people who they then can't be upfront with.

Mixxy Mon 22-Jul-13 08:33:26

How wonderful for you Ledkr. hmm

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 22-Jul-13 09:05:25

What is he like at home - has his behaviour changed at all? Being grumpy, critical and picking petty arguments are all red flags.

swallowedAfly Mon 22-Jul-13 09:08:12

no i agree with ledkr i'm afraid. it mystifies me how people can sit and eat together, lay down and sleep in the same bed nightly and share the raising of children and not be able to just have an upfront discussion. if there is so little trust that you don't think you could ask a question and get an honest answer then surely that in itself is evidence enough that your marriage is broken let alone wondering if they are actually having an affair.

it seems like people can live together as strangers virtually with less trust and intimacy than i have with friends.

i have never been married by the way so i appreciate i'm not an expert from the inside - but from outside looking in it always reads as terribly sad and strange.

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