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How to handle awkward INLAW visit coming up??? Pls advise?

(57 Posts)
miemohrs Sun 21-Jul-13 21:46:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EldritchCleavage Sun 21-Jul-13 21:51:54

Is there any way you can just ignore it? You seem almost to be being set up to be snubbed here. Ignore until there is an invitation you actually have to consider. When there is, decide if you want to go at all, and whether the DC are going to go. 100 miles for a quick visit isn't worth it, not with young children.

Unless you get a concrete proposal, I wouldn't mention it to the kids at all.

affenberg Sun 21-Jul-13 22:15:29

Bloody hell, they sound awful. So sorry I can't offer any real advice but I really feel for you. Just try to rise above it all if you can. It sounds like they are ducks though.

affenberg Sun 21-Jul-13 22:16:05


YonisAreForever Sun 21-Jul-13 22:22:23

ask your doc for some tranqulliers first of all, then you wont care so much .

miemohrs Sun 21-Jul-13 22:23:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Sun 21-Jul-13 22:25:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xiaoxiong Mon 22-Jul-13 00:32:50

Given their behaviour I wouldn't be taking my kids anywhere near them tbh. I don't believe children need a relationship with GPs who have shown by their previous actions that there is a significant chance the GPs will hurt the kids emotionally, whether by saying mean things to them, slagging you off in their hearing, saying awful things about SEN/SN or just plain using them for happy family photos and then abandoning them for another year.

I actually think your H is right to say wait and see what they want (not for screaming at you about it though). Don't be proactive. If you happen to have already made your own plans by the time they call/write well too bad.

It may be that your H is wanting to disengage with them, which sounds like no bad thing all round tbh.

Regarding your marriage being under strain that's a separate issue - have you considered posting over on relationships about it? You'll get advice and support over there for sure.

miemohrs Mon 22-Jul-13 10:55:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 22-Jul-13 15:20:32


Just to let you know that we're moving this into relationships.


AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 22-Jul-13 15:33:53

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your DH's chosen role here from them is one of scapegoat. He is deeply in a state known as FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his parents and I am not at all surprised to see that he is still tacitly seeking their approval and trying to keep everyone happy. And failing miserably at both tasks.

I would be elsewhere with your children if these toxic people do turn up at your door.

Your DH needs to be forcefully reminded that his primary loyalty is to his family unit now, not his birth family.

If they are too toxic for you to deal with they are certainly too toxic for your defenceless and vulnerable children. If your DH cannot see the damage being done to his own family here then you have to protect them from such malign influences.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 22-Jul-13 15:36:05

I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these very Relationship pages.

What do you get out of this relationship with your H now?.

Badvoc Mon 22-Jul-13 15:41:44

Don't go.
Your h is an abusive twat and this has been going on for years.
Don't tell the dc they are coming then they won't be upset at the inevitable rejection.

Ledkr Mon 22-Jul-13 15:48:35

Pack a fucking bag and clear off?
If dh won't discuss it then he loses his right to an opinion.
Don't stay around to be treated like that.

2rebecca Mon 22-Jul-13 15:53:28

Will your son really be upset if he just has a quick visit to his grandparents? It doesn't sound as though they have much of a relationship and she isn't much of a grannie. I'm not sure why you want to see any more of them if they are that horrid. I'd be glad it's just a quick visit and just explain to your kids if they ask that grannie is busy that week, or not mention how long she is there for.
If she only sees the kids every 3 years then I'd make sure their expectations are low and they realise she's not that into children and don't discuss her visit in front of them.

onefewernow Mon 22-Jul-13 15:58:39

I'm with Ledkr.

DuelingFanjo Mon 22-Jul-13 16:02:01

if he's refusing to check details / times then I personally think that you have every right to organise your (and the kids) own week and leave it so THEY will have to fall into line.

Though this tactic can cause tensions so maybe not going to make your relationship any better.

2rebecca Mon 22-Jul-13 16:54:56

I wouldn't tolerate him getting aggressive just because you ask him to sort out when you're going. My weekend time is precious so if my husband expected me to visit his family it needs to be arranged in advance or I wouldn't be going/ will have arranged to do other stuff.
Tell your husband that unless he sorts out a time for visiting he'll be going on his own, his choice. It sounds as though you'd not lose alot by dumping the lot of them though, but I presume there is some reason you've decided to stay with him.

Viking1 Mon 22-Jul-13 17:20:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miemohrs Mon 22-Jul-13 18:33:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc Mon 22-Jul-13 18:54:36

Glad to hear it op.
Been worried about you x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 22-Jul-13 19:00:53

Some people! shock They sound awful. I would let them go where they please and wave H off to join them. You and DCs not family? Hip hip hooray! Wash your hands of them.

Please look at your long-term happiness OP not just this poxy non-visit. Consider whether H is too far gone to choose you and his own dcs over his parents and sister. It won't just be the spectre of imperial pilgrimages every 2-3 years that hangs over your heads. So far you may have consoled yourself H loves you and the Birmingham lot will only rattle his cage infrequently. The past four years have seen some shift in your marriage. It doesn't seem to bode well if he shouts and screams at you. I hope you have your own family in the background to offer support.

How has he reacted to your son's diagnosis? I would worry he will blame you somehow or detach from DS under his family's influence.

BerthaTheBogCleaner Mon 22-Jul-13 19:24:59

Tell your kids that you're not going to be seeing Grannie because Grannie is a Not-Very-Nice person who is horrible to Daddy and Ds. Tell them it isn't
their fault and that she is horrible to lots of people, which is very silly of her because she is missing out. And that you've decided not to see her because she just upsets everyone.

Much much better that they know how she really is, than that they believe she is a nice normal person and therefore any issues are their fault.

Ledkr Mon 22-Jul-13 19:30:11

Op. I have had very long standing pil issues a d with the help of mn I finally stood up to them and feel 100% happier.
I refuse to go to them and if they decide to visit here and it's ok by me I shall be taking myself and dds off for a few days break or to visit my friend.
Don't let these people make you and your dc feel powerless because you are not.

miemohrs Mon 22-Jul-13 19:36:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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