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How many times a week/month/year do you have sex??

(27 Posts)
chilipeppers Sun 21-Jul-13 21:30:36

Im I asking to much of my DH to expect to have sex more then twice a month? Yes he works hard and is out the house 7-7 5 days a week but aren't most people?! We have a lovely but naughty 2 year old that doesn't sleep great. But we do spend a lot of time chilling out at weekend.
He just doesn't seem interested in sex anymore. I have spoken to him but he just laughs it off. He has always been less bothered about sex then me but now in lucky if we do it once a month. And he never starts things off its always me. It would be nice just to feel wanted like he really does find me sexy still cos sometimes I just don't think he fancies me anymore!

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Sun 21-Jul-13 21:32:24

About 3 times a month at the moment. Working long hours, have a 2yr old and just exhausted... We used to be at least 3 times a week sad

TumbleWeeds Sun 21-Jul-13 21:37:43

Once a month is very little.

BUT, we went through that when the dcs were little and I was extremely tired. It improved once I got some energy back and we sorted a lot of relationship issues that were a real put off for me too

I have to say, if the reason is tiredness, chilling out at the weekend won't be enough.

Arisbottle Sun 21-Jul-13 21:40:39

We have sex most days, sometimes more than once a day, not surprisingly we have a house full of children. grin

It is something that we both see as important and mis matched sex drives would be something of a deal breaker.

Arisbottle Sun 21-Jul-13 21:42:03

I think the more sex you have the more you want and it becomes normality to end each evening with some kind of sexual contact.

I have been in relationships before where one we were not having sex once a week it was a gradual decline.

chilipeppers Sun 21-Jul-13 21:44:27

I don't think it is tiredness as he makes no effort to come to bed with me. He always goes to bed hours after me in the week and the weekend. I try to stay up but I'm the one that needs more sleep then him and I'm very up for it most the time!! He is a very laid back person and its just like he can't be bothered.

qumquat Sun 21-Jul-13 21:49:44

Less than once a month and we don't even have dcs yet. Pregnant at the mo and worried this will become a major problem.

stella10 Sun 21-Jul-13 21:54:55

I feel for you chilly I used to have a higher sex drive than my partner and found a normal amount of bedtime action frustrating(literaly I would rather not have dp stay over if there was to be no sex as I couldn't have slept with him next to me !) but now two dc later and tables have turned drastically and its crazy! Its causing some tensions at the moment as I really can take it or leave it and most the time I find a way to leave it. I co sleep with our youngest so it never naturally happens and I think there are a lot of issues with the relationship now that also put me off him. I.e. I stil think he's been a selfish twit since our youngest been born and also throughout pregnancy so this stil affects me. Maybe its breast feeding hormones also:-/ but deep down I think its a sign of a Shit relationship as we stil made effort after the previous dc was born just not now. If its making u feel unhappy it needs to be mentioned or nothing will change. He needs to know that its a deal breaker for u and see if he makes the effort then.

BerkshireMum Sun 21-Jul-13 21:57:14

Gosh, getting worried reading this. We're still only once every two to three MONTHS. Did go two years without at one point :-(

Our relationship is very affectionate - lots of hugs, kisses (proper snogs!) and cuddles, including in bed. It's just something that we stopped doing when I was preg with DC and we're both working to improve! It does matter more to me than him (I was his first and therefore - I hope! - only) whereas I had a very active sex life before we got together blush. It does matter though and, looking back, I wish we'd tackled it sooner.

Wishihadabs Sun 21-Jul-13 22:01:05

Very boriningly once or twice a week. Usually after wine.LLess than weekly and we both get--even more tetcy with each other.

chilipeppers Sun 21-Jul-13 22:04:09

We did have a chat about it a few weeks ago i told him it was getting to me and we had sex 3 times that week but then it all just went back to nomal. As I write this I'm laying in bed alone, bored and frustrated!! sad

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 22:31:33

became an issue in my relationship. now over, but went from 2-3 x a week to < once a month, soul destroying as I still fancied him like mad and loved sex with him

estrella79 Sun 21-Jul-13 22:58:27

Twice a week at the moment, usually at the weekend because DP is a teacher and is exhausted on weekdays...roll on the school holidays!!

valiumredhead Sun 21-Jul-13 23:04:31

So what happens if you make your intentions known so to speak? Does he brush you off?

Fairylea Sun 21-Jul-13 23:08:04

About 3-4 times a week, used to be everyday for the first 2 years of our relationship and then it's tailed off a bit especially as we now have another baby (2 dc).

However, I have a lower drive and have times of being completely disinterested.. usually stress or tiredness related. Then it passes and sex is back on the menu. Dh never says anything about it although I know he's probably a bit frustrated the periods I go off it.

nickymanchester Sun 21-Jul-13 23:09:44

Just a quick thought here - and I may be totally wrong.

He is obviously aware that you are unhappy and he may feel that you will only be satisfied with a real marathon session - I don't know know what those three times were like or if you would characterise them as marathons or quickies.

But, it may well be that, for whatever reason, he is wary of initiating sex because he feels that you will be expecting a real marathon session that he doesn't feel up to, or able to, provide.

There was a recent thread here about marathon sessions:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1807475-how-long-should-good-sex-take

It may well be that if you let him know that, sometimes, all you want is a quickie then he may feel less pressured to perform. Then, over time, you may be able to get him to increase his frequency as well as his length - blush of time.

.
Another thing to consider is that, although you are not having sex, he is probably still masturbating, at least weekly, while he is alone.

It can be really difficult to talk about subjects like this within a relationship and the default position is for the man to deny it. But, raising the subject in a VERY non-confrontational way can be a good opener into talking about frequency and your needs as well.

Even if it becomes as blunt as saying, look, the next time you want a wank just come and bend me over and give me a good seeing to instead.

Yes, I know that last sentence was extreme - and I wrote it to have an effect. But sometimes you do need to shock people into reevaluating things.

Another possible thing to think about is ED - erectile dysfunction. This can start to hit men in a mild form from the mid 30s onwards. It doesn't mean that he can't get it up, but that it's harder to keep it hard - if that makes sense. This can get men into a downwards spiral of worrying about their performance and being concerned if it isn't always rock hard.

Sex doesn't always have to mean PIV - or PI anything - and, if one partner is feeling pressured then saying upfront that you just want to, as my American friends would say, go to 2nd base or 3rd base then that can make things a lot more relaxed and help to remove any pressure that he might be feeling.

Don't forget, that if we don't feel massively turned on, or feel stressed about something, we can just lie back and think about the shopping list - men can't do that.

One final thing - I didn't realise how much I've written - and I may just be stating the obvious here. Alcohol and large meals don't do much to help men's libidos.

joanofarchitrave Sun 21-Jul-13 23:18:17

It fluctuates between about once every three weeks and every six weeks at the moment. I'm sure dh would do it more if he could but he never, ever initiates. If I'm initiating I have to do it from a position of 'I really don't feel like it at the moment, and in fact am thinking would rather do almost anything else but am initiating because I know that if I get going it will probably be OK'. It's not a huge passion-enhancer, that.

No advice. I don't think it's great evidence of a good relationship, I wouldn't really be surprised if dh ended up having an affair, not purely because of not enough sex but because of what else is behind that.

nerofiend Mon 22-Jul-13 12:58:20

I think it's not so much about quantity but about quality. I have a friend who tells me has sex twice a week but does it for him mainly.

I'm quite happy with once a week really wanting it, than more than that but not in the mood.

These things are so personal. If you'd like to do it more than that, then you need to talk to your husband and tell him what you would like.

Sleepyhoglet Mon 22-Jul-13 14:33:56

Have had some drought periods. DH was shocked when I said how droughty! So we chatted about it and make more of an effort. It doesn't just happen like in the movies and isn't always spontaneous. Now we probably have sex about 4 times a month. To some people that might not be enough but it satisfies us both.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 22-Jul-13 14:37:27

Daily, unless I'm hospitalized, and then every 2 days. But, it's really personal. Really, really dependant on the people.

You can increase his desire levels by initiating more often for a while, so he gets used to having sex more, when he should take over half the initiating too.

Unless of course he brushes you off when you try? In which case I'd be hugely hurt, and I don't blame you for feeling like you do.

Bertrude Mon 22-Jul-13 14:40:41

About 3. Pick which timescale you wish to think that is grin

Speedos Mon 22-Jul-13 14:45:29

We've done it twice this year and it's a major problem, it's one of the many reasons I want to leave but feel trapped in other ways with 2 young kids and SAHM. Looking back I don't think we were ever well matched in terms of drive and variety...

Ashoething Mon 22-Jul-13 14:56:55

I am another one who believes that my marriage is going down the pan due to lack of sex.Dh could happily go months without it.I would like it a couple of times a week.Have tried talking about it but nothing changes.Makes me feel very crap about myself too.

Nottalotta Mon 22-Jul-13 16:26:10

Between one and three a week. Usually two. More if i initiate but am not overly confident at doing that. We don't have kids and until recently both worked full time. We often manage both days of the weekend in the morning which wouldn't happen if we had kids i guess!

therewearethen Mon 22-Jul-13 20:47:39

1-2 a month, I could have written your post (actually wrote something similar not long back) and I understand completely how you feel, unfortunately I don't have the answer sad

It's one of the many reasons I've decided enoughs enough and I want out!

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