Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I paranoid or could he be cheating?(290 Posts)
DH and I went to his works summer party on Friday night and something that I witnessed with him and a female colleague has been bothering me ever since. When we got there he seemed to make a big effort to sit us on the same table as her - throughout the meal she seemed ok, they were friendly but not overly friendly but later on when I was away from the table I saw him get up and move seats to sit next to her (it was late and people had started to move around/leave so at that time it was only those two at the table) and as he sat down he squeezed her thigh. It was very quick but it definitely happened. Then as I was watching they sat and chatted and while chatting he was helping himself to her drink. She didn't seem to react to either and didn't look surprised at what he was doing.
When I asked him about it on the way home he denied it had happened and when I brought it up again yesterday and said I'd definitely seen him do it and I thought it was inappropariate, he made light of it and said he was drunk and would just have been being friendly. I said I wasn't comfortable with him being that 'friendly' with another woman - especially one that he spends all day at work with but now he says I'm being ridiculous.
What do you think? Would you do something like this if drunk even if there was nothing going on with the person? He says the drink thing is nothing but I wouldn't help myself to someone elses drink unless we were close and used to sharing.
My friend thinks he was being a drunken idiot and says that if there was something going on with her then he would have tried to keep us apart and not sit us with her but I can't shake how uneasy it's made me feel. Before that night I had no suspicions anything was wrong, I'd never even heard of her before but now I'm sitting here dreading tomorrow knowing that he'll be with her all day at work.
Am I being silly over a couple of minor things or would this bother you?
I would be very concerned, too. Obviously him touching her thigh is completely inappropriate if they're not in a relationship, so either way he's not the man you thought he was. As for the drink, it suggests an easy intimacy that would really concern me.
Does he go out much with people from work? Does he use his phone much at night?
Um, this would definitely bother me.
People don't follow people around sipping from their drinks and squeezing their thighs if they don't fancy them IMO. Even people I'm just being friendly with do not receive said squeezes or sips.
Seems a bit too intimate. Any other little niggles that have come up lately?
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I feel hurt for you - I winced reading that.
I don't know if there's anything going on but I hope not. That ust have been horrible to see.
I does imply intimacy, but on it's own it's not conclusive.
Horribly, you're going to have to look for more evidence.
The drink thing is more worrying I think. It's quite an intimate thing and the fact that it didn't bother her is strange. Drunken thigh squeeze, whilst wildly inappropriate, I could buy. But being that comfortable that sharing a drink is a natural thing would make me upset.
I'm sorry you had to see it and I really hope it turns out to be nothing.
I don't know, I can see why you thought cheating but I wouldn't jump straight to it.
I think the more concerning part is if they're such close friends why have you never heard of her?
Did she react to the thigh squeeze? If not, it could suggest she is used to that level of intimacy from him on a regular basis.
Yes, I would be very concerned.
I'm picturing it being my H and I think I would automatically assume they are having some sort of EA at the least, especially because it all seemed very intimate.
I would start digging hard.
He might start cleaning his tracks now that your suspicions are aroused.
Can you access his emails?
Do you have any contact with him at work normally?
Anyone you trust?
Inappropriate behaviour with a female colleague. If it was my partner I would definitely be suspicious. It looks like something is happening. Poor you, keep strong and you need to decide whether you believe him or not.
I worked with men and a particular group for a long time 10 men to two women kind of thing.
I have been out for meals and have been fed from forks, shared/tasted drinks if one of us had something different, I'd also have had an arm around my shoulder or hugs and there was never anything in it.
You just get used to these things with people you spend 40+ hours a week with. To me it was brother/sister type thing.
I wouldn't read into it OP personally. I wasn't there though and don't know what type of relationship those colleagues would have, just giving my own perspective.
Thanks for your replies - to try to answer some of the questions:
Until Friday I didn't have any suspicions at all and thought things were fine with us. He's never given me reason to worry before though and I'm generally quite trusting so there's possibly a lot of things I could have missed.
He doesn't go out a lot with work, maybe a night out every couple of months but he does have travel overnight sometimes.
He has a work blackberry and is on it most evenings but he's always been like this and she has apparently only worked with him for 9 months. I just tried to look at it but didn't get chance to properly as he's around and I don't really know how to use it - from what I saw there were quite a few messages from her in the last week but none this weekend (unless he has deleted them). I didn't get chance to read many but the ones I did didn't really help. They weren't about work but they weren't incriminating either, more just general chit chat.
ChristineDaae - Been trying to remember and think he may actually have mentioned her before but only in a 'she's working on this' way, nothing that indicated that they were close.
Amy - she didn't seem to react at all
Newbie - do you mean anyone he works with that I trust? If so no, I've met some of his colleagues over the years but am not in contact with any of them directly.
What should I be looking for now?
Hmm if my dh had done it I would be livid. But I might have done something similar with a colleague many moons ago and it would have meant absolutely nothing.
I'm not so sure in this case tho...my dh knew the fella well and whilst I might not have squeezed his thigh I would have shared a drink and put an arm round him without thinking.
Horrible for you, OP, but it's worth pointing out that there's no way in a long term affair or anything he would be that blatant about wanting to sit near her or anything. So it's probably an early days flirtation or as you say EA that he doesn't realise is inappropriate because she hasn't slept with him (yet).
PerchedOnMyPeddleStool - he does work with more men than women so may be something in that but no one else was behaving like that with her
Tessa6 - my friend said this too, that he wouldn't want us near each other if there was something going on but it doesn't really reassure me that much. Whether he's really aware of it or not he seems to have got too close to her
Inappropriate at the very least. I'm going through something similar myself so in no position to advise - stay alert, and all best wishes.
So when you said why did you squeeze her thigh, he denied he did completely? I find that even more suspicious tbh. You know what you saw and he's making out you're seeing things. Weird.
Surely of it was innocent he would probably be upset/angry at you for insinuating something untoward, not deny it ever happened.
If I were you, I would set a vibrate alarm under my pillow to wake me at 3am or some silly o'clock and go thought the phone properly.
The thing that gets me is how she just sat not reacting to anything when he touched her thigh like wtf. I dnt knw what its like to be drunk but surely he cnt have been that wasted he didnt know what he was doing. Theres obv something going on for him to sit nearer to her.
Did you get to see her reaction when he touched her thigh?
When I first brought it up yes he denied it - he was drunk and I didn't push it cause I knew we'd just go round in circles then yesterday when he was sober I brought it up again and was more forceful in telling him I knew what I had seen. He acted like he couldn't remember and said if he had done it, it would only have been because he was drunk and being friendly. He didn't really admit it but stopped outright denying it and got a bit annoyed when I was asking questions about her.
From what I could see no, she didn't react at all which is partly what made me feel so weird about it - she didn't brush it away or look shocked, it was as if she wasn't surprised that he would touch her like that. She was a bit drunk too but neither were so drunk they didn't know what they were doing.
Will try and get hold of his phone again but am scared I might somehow mess up his work emails as I'm useless with it
A few drinks and either he was getting the courage up to flirt or he's already past that hurdle and with his guard down, was brazen about fancying her. It is skating on thin ice and if he got cross about you asking about her it sounds as if he regrets having let you notice. The cat's out of the bag now so if he isn't asleep with the phone wedged under his pillow have a look.
What sort of phone is it? Maybe someone techy can advise?
People do act on attraction to colleagues and whether one or both are married or not more's the pity.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.