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Am I being too hard on DP

(96 Posts)
HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:26:48

Hi ,
Just looking for some advice. I have one DC aged 4 months. I am on Mat leave and my DP works full time 9-5. I dont live near any family (moved to be with DP)and am not the best at making friends in my old(ish) age. I have a few things that are annoying me and I dont know if IABU or not so please tell me how you see it.
1. DP used to put DC to sleep on week nights and I would get to bed early so I would get a few hours in before night feed ( DC still does atleast 1 night feed sometimes 2) but recently he only does it maybe once a week because he says I am better at getting DC to sleep.
2. He wont give DC a bath as again he is not as good as me, I have tried to show him how but he just acts stupid and doesn't hold DC right and for some reason DC freaks out when he does it.
3. He goes out twice a week and has done since DC was born , I asked him this weekend not to go as I was feeling a bit down and missing human contact but he just started a fight with me and went out.
4. Any time I have been upset or crying because I am finding lack of sleep and demands hard on me he doesn't comfort me.
5.When he gets home from work he just throws his clothes on the floor and expects me to pick them up. I have tried leaving them there and tidying around them but he will leave them there forever. I do all his washing and ironing so I guess it is for me to pick up?
6. I do all of the housework except maybe he will wash the dishes one of the days on a weekend.
7. Friday nights are supposed to be for me to get a full nights sleep and he looks after DC but last two weeks he has been too tired.

Should he help out a little around the house? When I complain he points out he works full time.
I just want some time for myself once every month just 2-3 hours and when I ask for this he gets pissy. Am I wrong? Again he points out he works full time and needs time for himself.
I feel isolated, lonely and a little like what I am doing at home looking after DC counts for nothing. (Just like to point out I have a very beautiful, happy , loving baby who does suffer from some reflux)
So am I being too hard if I tell him he needs to support me more?
I have spoken to mum about this and she says he needs to help more and has asked me if maybe I am a bit depressed.
Sorry its so long and a bit all over the place.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 20:04:50

Frequent this is something I have thought about but I can't imagine if he not helping now when I'm back working full time will I also be doing all house work and all the caring for DC. Ill be exhausted! And that's i good idea about meeting people like that. I seem to have lost my skills in making friends the last few years

Vivacia Sun 21-Jul-13 20:19:16

Either you've lost the skills, or he's leached them from you.

Sit him down and tell him what he needs to do. Write it out if necessary so you remember everything.

Ooh these threads make me so angry.

Golferman Sun 21-Jul-13 20:31:28

I was just musing over this thread as my wife and I were talking about our grandkids (youngest is 7 months old) and the fact that his mum doesn't really like her husband or anyone else doing stuff for her with the baby. My wife mentioned that when our three boys were young were babies she felt the same and very protective towards the babies. In those days I probably didn't do as much as I could have to share the childcare, household chores etc but as you get older (i'm 60 and we have been together 40 years) I think your perspective on respective roles changes; for example for the past god knows how many years I have done the cooking (my first job was a chef), all the shopping,washing and my own ironing and share the other household chores equally. I think from a male perspective you only change once you 'see the light' and don't regard the childcare and household stuff as purely a 'female thing'; it took me a good fifteen years to realise that.

Just my opinion and experience (and my first post on the site too)

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sun 21-Jul-13 20:44:22

Please OP, do not worry about being exhausted. Worry about being trapped. Your family is abroad. What would you do without earnings?

Also, it would give you ammunition to share household chores.

Flicktheswitch Sun 21-Jul-13 20:53:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 21:13:51

Good point I often worry lately if we split up what would happen . I'd be completely alone and trapped in this country . My job is very demanding physically I have been considering looking at using my skills to move into a more office based position . If I did that I wouldn't be so exhausted. I better use my time wisely on mat leave. Also think ill talk to my HV let her know where I'm at emotionally see if they can offer support. They don't think bad of you for feeling a but down do they?

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 21:15:42

Golferman thanks for your reply as I said earlier great to get a male pov.
Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sun 21-Jul-13 21:20:48

When looking at cost of childcare and returning to work, please do not forget that both of you are paying for childcare, not just you, otherwise, it may tilt the choice towards SAH, which works well for many but what you have described of your life at home so far would worry me.

Look at your options. Would you be abe to go back part time or apply to different jobs?

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 21:27:51

Yeah he has said my salary will just cover childcare so there not much point . I guess I just accepted that where as I should be thinking its half each. I can go back part time .

Pilgit Sun 21-Jul-13 21:29:44

Any hv worth their salt will support you find the help you need. No wonder you're feeling low, you are isolated from your suppport network, your dp is being a dick and you're tired. Add to that the lack of adult contact and it's a recipe for pnd. It does not make you a bad mother or person. Fwiw his attitude sucks.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 21-Jul-13 21:32:36

Incidentally, I mentioned the two nights out a week to DW: "I'd have told your brothers, and they'd have asked which leg you wanted broken".

Twattergy Sun 21-Jul-13 21:37:55

He has to share bath and bed time chores with you. Engineer a reason one evening when you have to be outfrom 6 til 8 and he'll have to do it. Then take it in turns from there. Get a bath seat so that there is no issue around holding the baby incorrectly. He needs to realise that he does have the skills to do these things and that he must share these tasks with you.

karinmaria Sun 21-Jul-13 21:38:34

OP, your DH really isn't pulling his weight. I am on mat leave and have a 4 month old too - he's much like yours, a great good natured baby. However I still get loads of help from my DH. He does bath time and feeds when he can, and his days off are split 50:50 as he sees it as time off for both of us. My DH works 10-14 hour shifts, so at random times, and does 6 days on, 4 days off.

I do as much housework as I can get done but we invariably spend one day off sorting the flat. He would never chuck his clothes on the floor (well, not intentionally - sometimes he's so tired he literally falls into bed. The clothes are in the wash basket the next day though).

Your DH needs to understand the term mat 'leave' is highly misleading and you're actually working very hard on little sleep. Therefore he needs to do more and stop making shit excuses about parenting (and stop going out twice a week!! Argh).

Your HV won't think badly of you for asking for help. In the earlier weeks when DH was struggling and I was downright exhausted both of us spent time with our HV and felt very supported by her.

Also head out to some mum and baby groups. Where I am (north west London) there are free groups run by the NCT, local children's centres (ask your HV for details), libraries and random adverts in cafe windows and on notice boards. There are plenty of 'older' mums too. It's much easier yo chat to people when you've both got a baby as there is automatic common ground.

karinmaria Sun 21-Jul-13 21:40:44

Disgrace I very much like the sound of you and your DW!

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 21:52:43

Lol at disgrace smile I think ill call my HV tomorrow . The area I'm in the classes and coffee morning s are in like a community centre and only during term time . But DC is now old enough for the baby gym so I going to start that .

Apileofballyhoo Sun 21-Jul-13 22:29:23

He sounds very very selfish. Are you together long? Do not give up your job. He really needs to take a good hard look at himself and his behaviour.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 21-Jul-13 22:39:52

He is a very very selfish man, a pig for dropping his clothes on the floor and a bully.

When DC was first born my DH worked much longer hours than that and then came home and cooked us a meal every night because I was exhausted / anaemic and had a non-sleeping EBF baby. We went out together at weekends - parks, lunches, friends, restaurants. He did most of the non-BF childcare (baths, changing, playing) when he was in the house and he loved it. You deserve much better than that.

It is good you are getting out and meeting people but your DH needs to know his behaviour is unacceptable. Try the MN Local boards as well.

Agree that you need to keep financially independent as well:
- Childcare comes out of BOTH of your salaries
- Even if it means that you only just cover the childcare costs you are still making NI contributions, potential pension contributions and keeping your skills up to date - plus you should be getting help with childcare as well through certain government schemes.
- it will only get worse if you are a SAH with this sort of man who does not respect the work you do to keep the family and home going.


HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 22:57:18

We are together 4 years. He wasn't as bad before I went on mat leave .

joanofarchitrave Sun 21-Jul-13 23:05:47

If he chucks his clothes on the floor and you ignore them, it's you who have to live daily with his shit on the floor (as well as the symbolism of his attitude to you when he dropped them). So if he drops them on the floor, pick them up and sling them out of the window.

ReginaPhilangie Sun 21-Jul-13 23:09:14

Not only is he a selfish arse he has absolutely no respect for you. What was he like before you had the baby? What was he like during your pregnancy? Because I'm guessing he was similar just not as bad? And now that you're completely vulnerable he's stepped it up a notch. I agree with Tondelayohe is also a bully.

Is going home to your mum with DC for a break an option?

grounddown Sun 21-Jul-13 23:27:16

I am in a very similar situation to you and I am so frustrated my love for P had turned into sheer resentment. I leaving him, he doesn't know it yet but I'm looking at a property on Tuesday and will do an application and be out in a month. I just can't do it anymore.
He had never put a child to bed, he doesn't cook, he very rarely looks after the kids and if he does he puts peppa pig on and carries on doing his own thing - he's just a pain in my ass, my life will be easier without him.

It costs me more in childcare than I earn at work but I do 2 days a week to keep me same, my kids are 6 months and just gone 2.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do, it's really hard being in a relationship with someone who doesn't give what you give.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 02:12:54

Grounddown you sound very brave.?i hope everything will work out for you? I'm sure you asked for support many times and never got it ?? Or did he do stuff for a few days and stop? Just wanting a point of reference as I spoke with DP tonight and he said he would try harder around house he didn't sound convincing tbh . I can't be sure if he said it to shut me up or he means it

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 06:33:13

Did you spell out exactly what "more around the house" looks like? If not, there's still time to write it out as a helpful reminder.

Well done on talking to him about it.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 09:04:32

I would definitely be inclined to be very specific with him (you need to do x,y and z) so that there is no excuse for him not doing things. When we first moved in together I would get so pissed off with DH as I felt like I did everything so I made a list of everything that needed doing and we sat down and talked it through and divided it up. It's not perfect obviously but it helps to both be on the same page.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 09:09:40

He got up for work this morning and has left kitchen and bathroom in a mess and a wet towel on the bed! I was specific last night I said to pick up after himself do the dishes at least 3 times a week, put baby to sleep 3 nights a week( building up to it being a routine for him and DC) . I thought that would be enough to start.

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