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so I have finally had enough, please tell me I am not BU

(145 Posts)
clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 11:05:19

Last night I ended my relationship of almost 3 years. I had had a few glasses of wine, but that did not create the feelings that came bursting out.Those feeling have been there for a long long time

I met my now xp after the breakdown of a horrible marriage. I loved him (still do) like I have never loved anyone and felt so happy.

he moved in with me and my kids about 2 years ago, and I became fully responsible for him financially. He has never paid a penny to me for the house nor bills and as he has no income whatsoever, all personal expenditure has also become my responsibility. I just cant do it any more. I have a very well paid job but am in debt and I cant see this situation ever changing. He does some childcare for me , for 1/2 hour most mornings and a couple of hours 2-3 x a week in the afternoons. We have cleaner.

He is trying/ has tried various schemes to make money which involve plans that never work out. He has done some renovation in the house for me - but this has taken two years and is not finished yet. when it is finished ( unlikely now) it will add £20K to the value of the house.

I basically think he is too comfortable and he has said he does want to earn, but not if it means making himself unhappy. I just see me getting deeper into debt, or denying myself any pleasures to make my salary stretch to two.

I was kind of managing with this but I have realised that it will not change. He has been like this for years and found people to support him. I can see that I will have to work for many years and never be able to retire or work part time; I have built up a pension pot and would like to be able to slow down sometime. I am a lawyer and although I love my job its very stressful and I don't want to (have to) work for ever.

Also, our sex life, which was amazing - joyful and intimate has dwindled over the last year to once a month or less. I cant explain how rejected unhappy and unattractive this makes me feel.

so I lost my temper last night and told him to go. He has gone, although he has nowhere to go and no income. I feel desperately upset and have cried all night. But I just cant see a resolution, and I cannot go on like this.....

have I been unreasonable?

Jaynebxl Tue 23-Jul-13 05:08:22

I'm sure it must be possible to get in that room somehow. I'd get a locksmith on the job and stick it all in the back of my car.

Jaynebxl Tue 23-Jul-13 05:08:45

I'm sure it must be possible to get in that room somehow. I'd get a locksmith on the job and stick it all in the back of my car.

Jaynebxl Tue 23-Jul-13 05:09:34

And I'd do it twice, clearly!

clodhopper13 Tue 23-Jul-13 07:21:38

:-) slightly weak smile.

I'm back in that horrible place where I am remembering all he nice things. I'm remembering all the things we did together and how lovely he can be. And I'm remembering that he has done an amazing job on the renovations which would have cost me a lot ( though I might not have chosen to do them) . I cant eat, sleep poorly and feel like I have done him a great wrong. I know he will he hurt by what I wrote and will think its very one sided.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 23-Jul-13 07:36:13

I reckon your children are a lot happier now that's he's gone as well.

How can you write he has done an amazing job on the renovations. Denial is a powerful force granted but these same renovations have taken two years to date and they are still not finished.

No more contact of any sort as of now. Such men I tell you are incapable of feeling hurt; he will soon find another sap (what such types really thinks of women and infact hates all women) to leech off.

Well done for reading "Women who love too Much" by Robin Norwood.
I would suggest you also read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie. Counselling for you is certainly a good idea.

You need to get to the heart of why you have such a need to people please (perhaps learnt during childhood and from parents) and unlearn all the damaging crap you have learnt about relationships to date including this one. Then you will indeed move forward.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Jul-13 07:40:34

It's a horrible place only because you're a nice person. smile Dumping people... as I found with my holiday experience... is a question of a) drawing the line at letting others take advantage of your kind nature and b) practising until you can do it as easy as breathing. Then you need c) DISTANCE. i.e you get on with something else rather than give yourself any time to dwell on the guilty feelings. It doesn't sound like you've dumped enough people in your romantic career so far. Plus, if he's still in contact, you can't get c)

The time for nostalgia is in a few years when you're in a better place. Now is the time to harden your heart and get people around you that didn't like him....

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Tue 23-Jul-13 08:29:14

Hang on
You said the renovations would add £20k to the value of the house
He has cost you £20k in two years
And the renovations aren't finished
That's poor economics, my friend

balia Tue 23-Jul-13 12:03:39

Could you send another email, if you feel bad? Maybe...

"Dear STBX

I agree with you - you should be free to live creatively without stress, to be unencumbered by the trivial day to day matters of life. It would be selfish of me to continue the relationship when I am unable to understand you - a grown man who can't take financial care of himself. I am sure I am exaggerating the need for money, I am a far less evolved creature than yourself; you have told me many times that you cost nothing - I should have listened and given you just that."

Will that help, do you think?

piratecat Tue 23-Jul-13 12:16:03

course you will remember the nice bits, but they don't make the full picture op. As much as you love him, and wanted to be wanted, and wante to care for someone.

He is like my ex dh. I loved him so so much, but underneath he was a very lazy, troubled, boy. He had no work ethic, he left me, and it has been yrs now since then, but i in his eyes had turned into a nag. I just wanted him to live in the real world and leave eveything up to me.

The world revolves around men like this. Don't tell me, he's a Saggitarian?? ( i find this often with men like this).
Day dream, do not stick to things and generally believe everyone owes them something.
They get angry with those they love the most, because they have no c lue where to fit into the world.

This is his problem, not yours op. You have done enough. It will hurt, but that's normal. Ride it through op. xxxxxxxxx

piratecat Tue 23-Jul-13 12:17:46

and 'not' leave everything up to me.

i was glad to be a nurturer, at the start it was very equal in that sense. Yet he didn't want to grow up, and then started to hate me when i did.


AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 23-Jul-13 13:37:49

The locked room is shock. You really need to find out what is in there, keeping my fingers crossed for you that it is all legal.

The locked room is angry. He moved into your home and then took a part of it away from a dog pissing on his territory? Psychopath is right. That is a as a pure control dynamic as they come, clodhopper.

shock that he would leave a youngster wait on the doorstep!
biscuit <<[Asshole]

All of his anxiety is "your fault" because you are not his doormat anymore. His anxiety can not possibly have anything to do with him, so the blame and shame has to go somewhere...he is having separation anxiety to have to switch to a new target. Please don't waste a moment worring about it. In a month's time, I predict he will be with his new "host" and perhaps rub your face in it-at which point it would be very tempting to send her a lovely bouquet and note of "THANK-YOU".

clodhopper13 Tue 23-Jul-13 16:24:22

I know exactly what is IN the room. its locked because some of the stuff is fragile to stop the children breaking it. There is nothing sinister per se about that part. But for the same reason, as it is valuable I cannot just dump it. I need to make sure it is returned

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Jul-13 16:32:19

You don't need to make sure it is returned.
He needs to arrange for someone to come and get it.
If he doesn't, then sell it and make yourself some of that money back!

RandomMess Tue 23-Jul-13 18:44:24

Tell him what date it be available to collect from your front garden. If he does not collect it his tough luck.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 23-Jul-13 19:34:25

Returned? Who bought it?

BeQuicksieorBeDead Tue 23-Jul-13 21:28:51

I am a sagittarius and can confirm we are creative, extremely special and require round the clock care and funding. Now which star sign do I need to look out for that will provide the care I need?!

Dp insists on me going to work and paying some of the bills. The bastard. He doesnt understand me at all.

clodhopper13 Tue 23-Jul-13 22:26:51

both he, and I are Sagittarius..Make of that what you will.

It is the third day I have not seen him and I am ok. Wobbly - cried huge tearing sobs at DS primary leaver assembly this morning when they played 'Those were the days of our lives', and the tears were not for the kids. Had to wear my sunglasses in the school hall. DS was most embarrassed.

We have been in email contact but funnily it has gone quiet since I said we will not be continuing as we are. That I prefer to be alone. I have made it clear that he needs to have employment to finance his personal expenditure. Were the boot on the other foot, I would do bar work, cleaning, health care, anything, to be a contributor. I know he will see this as beneath him. But that will not be my problem as I will not waver.

It is devastatingly hurtful to think that, in reality, he only 'loved' me as a meal ticket. That rather than do anything to preserve/ save our relationship he will walk on to the next sap. But better now than in 10 years. And better while I have my DC at home, who are, I am sad to say, happier.

I will keep updating because I have SO valued your help, support, experience and robust advice

clod x

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Jul-13 23:09:28

The simple fact that he is not prepared to work in any way - ie he won't seek a paid job (which there is some excuse for at present: he wouldn't get one) but nor will he do any domestic work - makes it clear that he considers you his inferior, and a creature that ought to be grateful for his mere presence and therefore not complain about having to work hard to support him.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 24-Jul-13 14:24:11

Scrape the parasite off and don't look back.
Sorry to be so blunt.

Yes, clod, it is more apparent that "meal ticket" is what he was after from his behavior now. And it does hurt to be just plainly used. Sorry.

I am curious about the questions from Annie about the precious could he have these things if he has no money? Did they all arrive with him, or have you funded these acquisitions?

Kids have a gut instinct too. If they are happier, there is a significant clue there, too, imho.

welshharpy Wed 24-Jul-13 18:25:45

I feel for you, Clod.

Unfortunately my brother is exactly the same as this tosspot. For years he has moved in with women, leeched money and god knows what else from them, never held down a decent job for anything longer than a couple of months and it's usually after 2 years of that when the women finally wake up and kick him out.
During all that time he will plead poverty etc but he still has 3 laptops and countless very expensive mobile phones! He tells these women and my mother he needs petrol money, tobacco etc and they give him that and more besides!! Unbelievable!
It is a pattern which repeats itself over and over.
In-between women he will live, sorry sponge, off my mother who will bend over backwards to please him and generally coddle him all over again - even though he is 44 ffs!
These 'men' - and I use the term VERY loosely - NEVER take responsibilty for themselves and can sniff out someone to enable their bone idle lifestyle sadly all too easily.
Be proud of yourself and your kids and do not look back. He is a total fuck-up and no longer your responsibility x

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