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Devastated at lack of support and feel I am being punished for domestic abuse

(90 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:22:58

It's like an extra 'punishment', really.
Left abusive alcoholic DP back in Feb. Posted on here for support - I was lololizzy then (and i apologise for inbox messages I didn't get back to..i had such trouble with passwords etc that I couldn't reply)
To cut a long story was hell being back at my parents, and i went back to him in April to take the stress off them and because I had no money (basically they are v insular and like it being just the two of them and can't cope with any sort of strain or stress..even though to respect their wishes, i had to never mention what had happened to me). I had tried applying for housing but they (housing benefits) were so rude and unhelpful, basically only cared if i had kids or not (i don't). I was too depressed to fight for anything. I didnt really go back to him for him, as i didn't miss and love him, but more to use him as a roof over my head...(we still split the bills etc)- i didnt feel bad about the rest as he's been so horribly abusive the last yr and caused me job loss and to have a breakdown etc) and move on when i was stronger and had money behind me (unlike when i left). Since then things have been ok and we got on well, living like flatmates more than partners, which suited me fine . He convinced me he'd given up the booze. Not so as i've just found out. He did go without several weeks but has also been secret drinking and the last two weeks have been bad and he drinks openly. Basically all this time he's lulled me into false i was warned would happen. He is now trying giving up again but i don't trust him and his anger is bad drinking or not.
I'm back to square one and will probably have to go to parents for time being and go through it all again and push harder this time for help.
But i'm crushed by the lack of support . My parents have made it clear that i should stay with him 'until he flips again' and play it by ear (even though they know i called the police last week!) (he is not physical by the's all bad verbal abuse, ferocious temper threats and blackmail, and financial. In the past it was his suicide threats, but hasn't been lately). My mother actually said 'it is too hot to think about or talk about any of this..go back and wait for him to erupt again' (how would she like to live treading on eggshells and having her every move scrutinised and criticised?!)
My parents tell me often, that it is my fault as he was my choice..they never liked him. My fault for joining Facebook and adding him on (that's how we met, we had mutual friends on it) My fault for driving down to meet him in the first place. and so on. Very much, you made your bed, you can lie in it.
This week i tried going back to theirs for a few days with a view to moving back in again temp. The trouble is, my dad although elderly, is a bully like my ex. And i have bad memories of being back in my childhood home as he was very violent when i was a child, by that i mean proper beating me up, knocking me out etc. I have spent years trying to forgive as his father was same with him and so on.. Yesterday he spent the whole day shouting at me because I had purchased a book for £7 in a sale . It is my first treat in ages. He yelled so all the neighbours could hear and then blamed it on me causing him to shout by spending money i shouldn't. I see his point that it's a lot when i lost my job (because of all this) and i'm on ESA (also because of all this) and i have a car to run (which i do really need) but i still feel it's punishing me..that he would begrudge me a book that would give me a few hours of relaxation i so desperately need. I also tried to explain about my depression, anxiety and severe insomnia. It fell on deaf ears...thinks i should pull myself together and get a job. How can i get a job when a/ i can't sleep and have terrible anxiety b / i have no confidence left, despite the fact i've always worked c/ am of no fixed address now and flitting between partner's flat and their house...depending on circumstances ('D''s drinking and rants depend on all way to live , i know...)
Please don't suggest friends... no one has spare room..i've tried everyone. I have no money..if i had some savings i'd go away and try and start a new life. Please be gentle as i fear i'll be flamed for this.. i don't think i could face hostel or refuge. All my friends that have been in them, tell me not to do it and that they wouldn't do it again. Also because i can't have children, it is too painful for me to be around mothers with small kids. (and that is another issue..but one thing at a time).
Both my parents pretty much turned on me yesterday and sent me packing saying to only come back if i can live by their rules and only when DP gets really severe again. They care but in a cruel to be kind, tough love way i guess. I suppose i don't blame them for not wanting an adult child on their doorstep and i am reminded constantly of the failure i have become.
What has cut me to the today. The last straw. My best friend has cut me out for months (when i needed her the most) and i didnt know why. Today she finally messaged me saying it was disgusting that i went back to him and i didnt take her advice so she was bloody well never giving it again (i never actually asked for it! only for support!) She said i knew what he was like and yet i went back. No..he was getting help and i sincerely believed he was off the drink. Things were fine for months. And i had no where else to go. This is just the last straw for me. I can't stop crying and i don't see much point in fighting for anything.
For 23 yrs, her life has been one big drama full of scandals and so on. I have always , always stood by her..whether i agreed or not. We have been thru everything together She also once returned to an abusive partner , she seems to forget this, so i can't believe she would judge like this. I supported her unconditionally. So i now have lost best friend, and parents are not supportive because they simply can't understand what i'm going thru and say i brought much of it on myself merely by being with him. Also last week another friend read me the riot act because i had 'ignored advice' and gone back to DP. These friends are both loaded. Do they really think if i had money and a place to go, I would've returned!?
Sorry this is so long. I can't believe i'm going thru this again.
But with less support this time because people judge me for going back.
Life isn't that simple nor so black and white. I am so lost, i just want to run far away (but can't afford to!) I am more upset about parents and best friend than i don't love him. I feel utterly alone.
If i can't reply to this straightaway it means i don't have privacy to read/ answer but i really need friends and hand holding as this is now worse than when i left in Feb...people didnt judge then. I guess they think i've cried wolf and have given up on me. I just didnt realise how hard it would the practical ways.

alltoomuchrightnow Sun 21-Jul-13 13:43:45

no, not old cat! more unusual than that!

alltoomuchrightnow Sun 21-Jul-13 13:50:50

Friend does not tolerate perceived weakness (her perception) in anyone else as she thinks she is so brave and tough and that everyone should be like her. ie 'if i can do it'.... When one of her parents died 20 yrs ago, her coping strategy was to move abroad straightaway, and bury herself into a new life and work. Basically she did not stop for 11 yrs straight. But she never grieved. Her sibling stayed put and was only a teen when the parent died. Sibling had a breakdown and also turned to drugs (but they are fine now). The sibling was my housemate at the time (other housemate was a dealer and preyed on this person's vulnerability) and it was awful to see what they were going through. I looked out for this person, as friend was far away and didnt come back for 11 yrs, not even for a visit. Friend thought the sibling was weak to have turned to drugs etc . Has cut sibling out many times and now for good.
She wants to be a bereavement counseller. But i feel she never grieved herself and she has been told this by doctors etc. She is good with practicalities and not with empathy.

Hissy Sun 21-Jul-13 13:51:03

Ah, my mistake. There was someone on here being given ultimatums over their old cat..


alltoomuchrightnow Sun 21-Jul-13 13:54:38

I'm starting to realise i have put up with a lot of 'false' support and have been used like a puppet... having my strings pulled and manipulated.. do this do that' ie do as i say not as i one would listen to how i truly felt and what i wanted and try to understand. It was all 'i know what's good for you'. No, getting a job when i'd been back one day, and was having a breakdown, would not have 'made me better'. True friends have not told me what to do and not judged. It is support i want and not advice..
I could be housed etc and have job but if i have no support i don't see how i can carry on.

alltoomuchrightnow Sun 21-Jul-13 13:55:06

not me but i hope they and the kitty are safe!

Zazzles007 Sun 21-Jul-13 14:10:44

Ah, OP I see that the scales are falling away from your eyes, and you are seeing your awful P, horrid parents and 'friend' for who they really are. Although it might be hard to take it all in at the moment, the truth does set you free. As others have urged, get away from these awful people, and in a relatively short period of time, you will start to feel so much better. It's not you, you sound like a really nice, caring person. Its them, they are awful shits and have no right to be anywhere near you.

JuliaScurr Sun 21-Jul-13 14:44:30

any help?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 13:37:36

I heard back from friend and I'm devastated. I feel totally sick. She has it all wrong..she always misunderstands anything by text or email... I had brought up about her abusive ex as a means of (hopefully) sharing support/ empathy..not asking for advice as such but drawing on experience... aren't long term friendships based on memories and sharing common ground? She went beserk and said i was trying to point out her mistakes. I wasn't, as i don't believe in mistakes..merely life experience and lessons. I should have known she'd go on the defensive so. The thing is, i thought it would've been ok to bring up her past as it's all she ever talks about when i'm with her.. past, exs, her DP..i mean it takes over holidays we have.. it is ALL she talks about. She spoke to me (well, messaged me) like i was absolute shit to her and told me to not be in contact and leave her alone. Later she wrote that she want to ring me and 'bash it out' . That sounds ominous to me! I can't take any nastiness, i'm going through enough. She said obviously i have a list of issues with her (i really didnt) and she does with me so we should thrash them out. It's like she's picking for a fight..yet she knows i'm a total peacemaker doormat I didnt have issues (till now)..only concerns..she'd disappeared for months and i was worried about her.. Now i realise she'd cut me out as was angry i'd gone back to stay with DP (even though she knew the reasons behind that..and had agreed with me..and advised me to go back! now she's throwing it in my face that it's all my fault i went back to him..she doesnt look at reasons behind, protecting my parents etc..) she has said such nasty things. Why couldn't she at least wait until i was back on my feet before she twisted the knife in. It seems she only wants to be friends with people in their 'good times' as doesnt have the patience..but expects everyone to come running when she's struggling. Hence me having to write the letter to her dad to cut him out..because she couldnt bear to write it.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 13:40:18

i've got to go back to my parents today too for a few days..and their criticisms and interogations. I can't take much more. I'm scared I'll have another breakdown. DP is not drinking and things are fine here with him but of course i'm wary and dont trust that. If someone waved a magic wand right now and put me in a lovely home and gave me money to get started.. i don't think i'd really feel any better. What is the point if i don't have love, friendship and support. That is what matters and not bricks and mortar. I'm fed up of feeling so alone and lonely..and doing everything my own. I was so upset yest and couldnt stop crying, that i drove 2 hrs to the coast hoping it would clear my head and make me feel better. All it did was make me brood all day..more time to self, thinking too much.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 13:40:49

Has anyone else on here had to cut out a toxic friend or been cut out by their toxic friend? how did you deal with it?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 13:43:29

Also why do people not understand about depression , anxiety and severe insomnia unless been through it themselves? I can emphasise with people who have things i havent experienced. Also this friend has had terrible anxiety and panic attacks in the past. Yet in me it's a weakness..and she doesn't want to know. When she had it herself..i took her away for a long weekend to try and help her.

Twinklestein Tue 23-Jul-13 13:50:58

Some people have imagination & empathy & some don't.

It's perfectly possible for you to create a new life away from your abusive ex, away from your abusive parents, and toxic friend. But I think you need support from some kind of counselling while you make these major changes. Do you have access to this?

I had to cut out a friend, she wasn't toxic in the way yours is, but she was so incredibly needy & high maintenance that it was exhausting. Then she started lying, and when confronted was unapologetic & manipulative.

So I dumped her.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 13:53:06

I don't know how friend will become a successful counseller apart from able to deal with cold practicalities. 23 yrs is so long. It will feel like a death. I see a counseller for 50 mins a week sometimes every 2 weeks depends on if i can afford petrol. Luckily am seeing her today, she works at a women's centre

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 13:56:09

The friend has creativity and imagination in abundance yet completely lacks empathy..everything is a weakness in other people according to her. She has cut her brother out as if he was dead because his wife commited a crime ..because he has forgiven the wife and sees the reason behind the crime, she has made brother dead to her. Now she has cut out rest of family because they support brother in his decision to forgive her SIL...she sees it all as weakness, forgiveness and tolerance never enter the picture with her. She has also cut out all her friends with young kids as doesnt want to hear about their kids as 'it's boring'. I'm starting to see her true colours.. it's horrible

BigBoobiedBertha Tue 23-Jul-13 14:04:04

Your 'friend' seems a nasty piece of work.

I wouldn't be contacting her again. It sounds like she will try and contact you though. In my view, offense is the best form of defence with people like that. Tell her what you think of her, how let down you feel and walk away. Don't be a doormat this time. But if you can, stay away and count yourself lucky to have escaped. She can do nothing for you except cause more pain. You have practicalities to sort, you don't need this horrible woman dumping her crap on you too.

It scares me that somebody like that is training to be a counsellor. I hope it is a reputable course and that she is having counselling too which is a requirement of being a 'proper' chartered counsellor. I can't see her finishing the first term is she shows her true colours now.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 14:14:48

It is to be a bereavement counseller, she says because of her mother dying 20 yrs ago. But it's only recently she has been told she never grieved properly , by her doc (she never saw a counseller etc) however it is an unusual kind of counseller (can't go into details) but would require her flying out to deal with people bereaved suddenly...she would be good at the practicalities..but that's about it. All i know its an evening course in counselling at a college and the her job will be able to take her on in this extra another string to her bow,as it were.. she is paying for the course herself but then would have two roles within her workplace.
Dreading her ringing the landline at my parents as a/ they will always pick up b / i have no privacy.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 14:16:55

i was just her friend for 'fun times'.. she cant deal with anyone elses problems her own take over everything. We had some great travels etc i suppose that counts for something but i thought i could count on her when the chips were down... i would fly out to her when she was in trouble.. i would always come running :-(

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 14:17:45

what i wrote that what 'narc' is??

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 14:17:55


BigBoobiedBertha Tue 23-Jul-13 16:28:32

- Definition of a narcissist

From the little you have said, it sounds like she could be a narcissist which pretty much means that no matter what you say and what you do, she won't hear you. She cannot feel empathy but worse, she won't get why she should even try, nor will she recognises what she is lacking.

She is actually a very, very bad person to be a counsellor and if she isn't receiving counselling and nobody has picked this up (it is hard because narcissists can be very charming when they are getting what they want) she could do some very bad damage.

I am guessing she is employed to help bereaved families repatriate after a death abroad, maybe on holidays for the little you have said? You don't have to answer that but that sort of role might need her practical skills but heaven help the bereaved people if she starts trying to offer emotional help.

As far as your parents go, could you appeal to their selfishness - say you will be very happy to get out of their hair if they can lend you some money to find a room of your own elsewhere?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 21:44:11

She's extremely charming and works in HR where she charms everyone there. She's always been the life and soul, and the ultimate bubbly charmer.
Yes , that is right, BigBoobied. She would be great in keeping a cool head, but would not handle well, anything emotional. She would lose patience rapidly and lack the right words and empathy.
She has never received counselling even though she has been told many time that she should. She deals with things alone otherwise it's a weakness. She took anti depressants for a short while this year but begged me not to tell her DP as he'd judge her and she was ashamed of it. I asked, what did she think of me..i've been on them on and off for 15 yrs . I have thyroid and pituitary problems..i'll maybe always need them. I told her it is no taboo! She didn't get it.
She has been doing CBT course but not one to a group. That was to help her personally..nothing to do with her counselling. She had been through a hard time from cutting out her father. (and then he her).
I should pity her really as she has gone through life burning bridges. She had great friends and family. She will never let up on a grudge, never say sorry and never forgave the most minor incident. Her memory is so good for grudges, i swear she must keep a record book!! She can remember the most trivial details dating back to childhood.
If i lose her for good.. at least that is one less thing to worry about (trying to please her; worrying about her judging my every move etc) but it will still be painful. I'm sad and angry at her hypocrisy and bloodyminded ness.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 21:46:12

Gosh yes all that on on. The hugely impulsive behaviour. Crazy financial decisions (she is lucky that most of the time, it worked out ok for her) Risky sex. Manipulation etc

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 21:53:39

I spoke to my counseller about everything this afternoon, which helped,. to be in a safe, non judgmental place.
I will probably have to accept that friend will never change and that she really only wanted to be there for the fun times.. she would run and hide if anyone was having problems... but they couldn't if other way round.,
To lose her would be a relief in many ways but still terribly hard. She has been such a huge part of my life..even when she was abroad for 11 yrs. But thinking about it.her being abroad meant she didnt have to deal with others (in this country) having problems. she would only see them for the fun when they visited her.,
I think this pretty much sums her up.... a typical car journey with her. This could be as true today, as was over 20 yrs ago. (she hasn't exactly grown up, despite being financially sound, owning several properties etc) If she spies something interesting out of window..she will always comment on it. If i haven't seen it (although i am v observant..but say i'm looking out of other window, or head down, or in world of own..whatever) and i tell her i havent, she will always get frustrated and then angry ie 'how could you miss that? what is WRONG with you? We're both in the same bloody car and you didn't see that! How could you not see that. For fuck's sake' and it will actually wind her up for ages. It proves how... she can only see the world through her eyes.. egocentric

CottonWoolCandy Tue 23-Jul-13 22:09:06

I'm sorry you're having a hard time and that your family and friends are adding to your stress.
From a practical point of view:
* take a copy of your housing benefit form to the local CAB and get them to help you fill it in.
* speak to your local housing associations as well as your local council about accommodation (tell them you are fleeing an abusive relationship and are homeless)
* go to the library and look for adverts in the local newspaper for private lets, depending on where you are in the country some private landlords will let you move in without a deposit.
Don't engage with your friend . You have to put yourself first just now and that means protecting yourself from her negative influence.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 23-Jul-13 22:39:03

The friend messaged just now and asking to speak on Thursday now, not tonight, to discuss our issues with each other . I don't have issues i want to discuss! It might sound doormat ish..but then again i don't want to talk at all. I have my whole life to sort out! Hearing her laying into me is not going to help. She can be pretty harsh and nasty. This is the person who didn't speak to one family for 8 years because the small child of the family threw a sweet at her in jest and she didn't forgive the parents because 'they should've smacked the child'.

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