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I make him miserable

(30 Posts)
Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 14:53:59

Dp hates me. He tells me often enough and how he can't stand living with me. We have a 15 month old sd a d when i say this is no life her he tells me im selfish. He 'works' from home and is just always around. He has no friends, doesn't talk about anything and does not handle stress well at all. I have no money, where do I go and what do I do? There's so much more than this, I need to be loved and cared for. Fed up with feeling worthless.

Twinklestein Sat 20-Jul-13 16:25:47

Well there's a reason he has nobody OP... & only he can fix that.

Twinklestein Sat 20-Jul-13 16:23:55

When I said "it will work out" I meant your life not the relationship. shock

In fact, for your life to work out, I'd say the relationship has to end.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 16:17:33

You think it's down to you because he tells you that it's down to you. Andy Murray's training includes sessions with coaches and sports psychologists telling him 'you're a champion!'... and he's won the game before he's even stepped on the court. You've got someone spending all day every day saying 'I'm normal, you're worthless and if I treat you badly, it's your fault'. It's bound to screw you up.

The only way to get out of that mindset is to put a lot of distance between you and the abuser. If you walked out today and cut contact, I guarantee that two or three months from now you would wake up one morning, slap your hand to your forehead and go 'what the hell was I thinking!'

chillybits Sat 20-Jul-13 16:06:52

You aren't a failure, you aren't the bully. Recognising that and moving on for your daughter's sake and your own is the very opposite of failing.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:59:21

All of you are totally right in what you are saying but I can't help but think it must be down to me in some way. I guess it will take a bit of time to get out of that mindset. Might be stupid but I'd worry about him if we went, he has nobody.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 15:53:23

"How has this even happened? Feel like a total failure."

Why have you failed? Do you think it's your responsibility to be the victim of bullying? If your DD comes home from school one day and says 'Mum I'm being bullied' will you tell her that she's a failure?

Twinklestein Sat 20-Jul-13 15:53:12

It's really scary I understand, but it will work out, and you're no failure: you're doing amazingly well in a tough situation.

You've got a kid, you're working 3 days a week, & you're dealing with this emotional abuse - that's so hard.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 15:51:48

See when you said 'I try so bloody hard'? That's the reason he's such a shit to you. He knows that, if he tells you you're crap, you'll try a bit harder and a bit harder to win his affection, and he will have manipulated and controlled you utterly. Even now you're thinking he hates himself and he needs help. Not at all .... like all bullies he gets a perverse satisfaction out of making you feel small. He'd try the same thing with any woman he was with because he is so inadequate, he can only feel good if others feel bad.

You can't change him. You can only reject him.

Twinklestein Sat 20-Jul-13 15:48:55

You can't help him, that's the truth, even if you wanted to.

I'm sure your mum will just be relieved you've admitted the problem. It won't break her heart - she's had what - at least two kids?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:46:25

I'm so scared. It's not going to work out. How has this even happened? Feel like a total failure.

chillybits Sat 20-Jul-13 15:44:43

Sweetheart you said deep down you want it to work, but deep down it sounds like you know it won't. Decent people do not want to hurt the people who are close to them, they may do it unwittingly and unintentionally but this is not the case here. All you are doing by staying is prolonging the pain.

Now is the time to summon every bit of strength you have, accept its going to be hard to get on your feet but start the rest of your life now.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:41:28

Twinklestein I know that he hates himself even though he puts on this ridiculous act in front of people. He bull shits his way through everything. I can see where so much of this stems from but he won't let me help him.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:39:48

It's so sad because I do think my mum knows. It would break her heart.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:39:17

I've told him before to imagine dd coming to us and telling us she was with someone who behaves that way. He can't see what he's doing wrong, it's all me. Of course I have my faults but I try so bloody hard. My mum is busy with my sister this weekend, seeing friends tomorrow and don't know how to pretend its all okay.

Twinklestein Sat 20-Jul-13 15:38:56

He doesn't hate you, he hates himself & is taking it out on you.

I'm sure your mum would be much happier if you left him if she knew what was really going on... I'm sure she knows...

Anniegetyourgun Sat 20-Jul-13 15:36:09

Don't worry, it's definitely him.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 20-Jul-13 15:35:31

Hmm... you don't want your mum to think badly of the man who despises and upsets her daughter? What kind of a mum would she be if she didn't think badly of him? What would you think of a man who treated your precious DD in such a way?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:35:06

Thank you. I've read about emotional abuse before and thought that could be happening. How did he become such a shit?! Would he be like it with just me or would it be likely to be with other people too? He has absolutely no social skills.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 15:32:48

"I don't know why he hates me though"

He hates you because he's emotionally abusive and it's how he controls you. He wants you to think you have no options so that you stay with him through fear of the alternatives. Like all emotionally abusive men by making you feel bad and crushing your spirit, he keeps you trapped.

You have alternatives. There are other options.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:32:13

We each have our own bank accounts and we have certain things we pay for and then what's left we use for dd and ourselves. Think he's feeling the pressure of having to pay for things.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 15:29:42

"he says he can't afford to run two households"

His responsibility is to maintain your DD and he will have to do that, no matter where you live. If you go to and have a look at their benefits checker, put in your current income and you may be surprised at just what you'd be entitled to in the form of Tax Credits and other help. Do you have your own bank account for your wages or does he take them off you?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 20-Jul-13 15:29:31

Thank you all. I don't know why he hates me though. It's like he just can't bear being around me, he doesn't even pretend. He picks on every little thing I say. He told me the other night that I'm not his intellectual equal and that we has nothing in common. Been together 11 years and only with each other. Dd down for a nap and he's working on te computer. Feel alone and embarrassed and don't know how to hide it from dd.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 15:26:27

" I know she will think badly of him"

This is not the time to protect him. You have to protect yourself and your DD and for that you'll need lots of RL support. Chances are your Mum already knows something's wrong. It's worth a few 'I told you so's if it means you end up with a happier life.

WitchOfEndor Sat 20-Jul-13 15:25:13

Sounds like he makes you miserable, not the other way round. What are you and your child getting out of this relationship?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 15:24:12

Don't stay with someone who hates you. It's not selfish to want to be loved and cared for. It's very selfish for someone to keep you close simply in order to hate you, ignore you and generally bring you down... it's called 'emotional abuse' and it's miserable.

You can call Womens Aid and they will give you some great advice on how to get yourself and your DD safely away or (if applicable) how to get him out of your home.

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