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Feeling hurt and left out by friends

(19 Posts)
chosinganameisthehardest Sat 20-Jul-13 11:54:54

I realise that by writing all this will out me in real life if my friends use this site, not sure if they do but I just need to get this all out as I am so upset.

Moved to this area to be with dh, knew nobody but luckily dh has loads of friends and we met/meet up with all his friends and their wives. I get on with them all and have a laugh and enjoy their company but I don't see them outside of usual get togethers and I'm fine with that.

When I started having children I went to playgroups and made a few friends some I am still in touch with now. I made friends with one friend in particular lets call her friend A when our little ones were about 6 months and became great friends, we joined a baby class and then met friend B, we discovered we all lived near to each other and all became great friends.

Over the past 5 years we have all gone on to have more children, shared pregnancies, regularly met up and gone out for meals in the evening etc. We all have other friends and socialise away from each other too but I really thought that these two were my closest friends.

All our eldest are in the same class at school and mine and friend A's child are best friends, friend B's is a different sex but still great friends with the other two. All our other children all get on really well with each other too.

Both of the Friends dh's have become great friends over the years as they share the same hobby, they have asked my dh numerous times but it's just not his thing but has met up with them occasionally for drinks.

More Recently,

I've caught back ends of conversations where they have met up as families for meals at each others houses, it niggled a bit but I rationalised that it is just not possible to have all three families for meals at each others houses theres 14 of us including the kid's.

Then more recently it became evident that friend A had introduced friend B into another group of friends and socialise occasionally, this I admit has bothered me but I've just been quietly upset and come to terms with the fact that those two have just become better friends.

A couple of months ago, friend B made me and friend A godmothers to one of her children which was lovely and made me feel like she must still see me as a good friend.

A few weeks ago the weather was nice so we invited them all for a bbq, it was a tight sqeeze as we have a small garden but I wouldn't dream of inviting one family without the other, we had a lovely time. Friend B said they hardly ever had bbq's as they had an old fashioned one which takes ages etc but would make the effort over the summer and return the favour or words to that effect.

I've seen both friends on school runs this week chatted as usual but just as I was leaving the school gates yesterday I caught the back end of a conversation where friend A said something about 4 o clock and bringing some stuff that needs eating up, then on the way home my DD said are we invited to Jack's bbq friend B's child because Milly friend A's child is going, so the penny dropped and a horrible feeling hit the pit of my stomach and has not left since. A little later my DD said mummy please can you ring friend B and ask if we can come as we invited them to our bbq, she was quite tearful and to be honest I had to fight tears back myself stupid I know!

When my DH came home he noticed I wasn't myself so I told him and burst out crying, I expected him to be his usual laid back self, he is one of those people who never takes things personally, shrugs things off etc.. yet he was flabbergasted he said he felt really hurt too and that it was just plain rude. They have a larger garden than us and it is not the same as Sunday dinner round peoples houses you can have more people at a bbq and just the fact that we had them all round here just a few weeks back just seems bad manners. We have tried to think of plausible explanations but really can't see any. There must be one but I am now afraid it is just because they do not like us, they must also realise that children talk and that we would hear about this.

Also I have thought maybe another family may be invited from other set of friends and there isn't room, but I just think if that was me in that situation I would say something like we are doing such and such this wknd but will sort something out with you guys soon so they didn't feel left out.

So where do I go from here, I've been swaying between saying something but I do not like bad feeling and confrontation so I think I just have to suck this up and try and not let it bother me but it does so so much! I feel so hurt and that the two people who I thought were my closest friends just aren't any more and also that it is not just me but my family that has been excluded.

What would you wise mumsnetters do?

chosinganameisthehardest Sat 20-Jul-13 12:04:08

PS sorry for the long post and the fact it is very trivial in comparison to a lot of other posts on here, x

mrscumberbatch Sat 20-Jul-13 12:11:01

It's horrible when things like this happen but it happens to most of us at least once!

To be honest, I wouldn't bring it up, I'd wait and see if they dropped themselves in it or mentioned it/apologised and take it from there.

Either way, it's hard, but I'd be on the lookout for some new acquaintances.

KvassInTheNight Sat 20-Jul-13 12:18:26

It is horrible and I'd be upset too (and yes, it happens to us all!) - but don't take it personally, if possible.

Just arrange other things with other people, take the focus off this friendship group- I would be pulling back a bit.

funnyossity Sat 20-Jul-13 12:26:50

It's trivial in one way but so very hurtful. I have no good advice but that time heals.

In a different circumstances I realised a friend had different expectations of our relationship to mine when she and family came to a party of ours, her husband said at the end he had enjoyed it, despite his wife's predictions!

Well after that I was so upset for a while, said nothing - it had been a drunken comment after all but it fitted with them not inviting us to "group" stuff which had been a bit puzzling as I thought we were very close. I held back from inviting them as a family and stuck to one-to-one or kids stuff. The hurt has now gone (ooh 2 years later!) and I see it more clearly now and I am planning to invite them to our next party- but I don't care as to their opinion of my wider set of friends anymore and I'll be avoiding the over-sharing husband!(If they come..)

OldBagWantsNewBag Sat 20-Jul-13 12:33:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chosinganameisthehardest Sat 20-Jul-13 12:37:51

Thank you for the replies and yes I will be pulling back a bit as everything feels so tainted now.

Just so hard when you have invested 5 years into friendships and then something like this happens, I just keep questioning myself thinking what have I done wrong etc...

Sorry I sound too emotional over a bloody bbq! but it's a lot more than that to me.

Ah well need to stop dwelling on this and look for some new friends, easier said than done though eh!


ilovechocbuttons Sat 20-Jul-13 12:41:06

I wouldn't say anything to the friends.

Take a step back and focus on other friends.

Something similar happened to me. Every time I introduced a close friend to other friends she would drop me for a while and focus on building friendships with the new friend. I would be left out and meals/night outs were arranged. I wasnt invited.

I didnt notice it at first but eventually did so after the fourth time it happened. I backed off from the friendship. Her DD also would do the same with my DD. Her DD would befriend dd's friends then exclude DD.

What they have done is very hurtful!!

OldBagWantsNewBag Sat 20-Jul-13 13:00:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chosinganameisthehardest Sat 20-Jul-13 13:33:47

Oldbagwants I wish I was more like you and saw things this way and maybe when the hurt has subsided I will. I will admit I am a super sensitive person so yes maybe I'm over reacting a bit. However, even my husband is hurt by this and he is not the type of person to be.

I won't say anything to them, it's not in my nature and I won't break the friendship but I will step back as they obviously don't feel as close to me as me to them. So I agree I need to see other friends more and not rely on them.

I really wish I didn't feel so upset over something so trivial but I do and cannot help my feelings

CylonNumber6 Sat 20-Jul-13 13:48:41

Hmmm...I'm one of a group of 3/4 friends and sometimes we all do stuff together, apart and mixed.

Sometimes they do stuff without me and I do stuff with only some of them. It's always because of convenience (friend c doesnt like yoga but a and b do etc).

This prob just looks ike I'm rambling but my point is please don't take it to heart or back off from them.

Just be yourself and put it down to experience.

JimmysMum1988 Sat 20-Jul-13 13:56:10

3s a crowd ..

QuintessentialOldDear Sat 20-Jul-13 14:01:52

I guess the key to this is the men, the TWO men have got close because they share a hobby, which means with both the women and the men close on their own, is even easier to join up as a couple as all 4 are friends.

MerylStrop Sat 20-Jul-13 14:04:22

Ok, in your head the three of you are a unit, one relationship

That is just not the case, and you need to adjust and recognise that.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face and withdraw from friendships

And you could invite one of them over without the other sometimes. It's not against the law.

BTW I would bet it's slightly to do with the closer friendships of their DH's, in terms of guest list.

MerylStrop Sat 20-Jul-13 14:04:42

ha! xpost quint

chosinganameisthehardest Sat 20-Jul-13 14:25:02

I see what your saying cylon and we have done things separately due to tastes other commitments etc but they know we like bbq's lol!

It was also as friend b said at ours we must have one at ours soon or return the favour can't remember the wording now, that we would be invited when they did.

I think it is the fact that although we have done things separately and together over the years that recently it is always me/my family excluded and that's just to the odd things I have picked up on.

Anyway I appreciate your views and replies, x

Laura0806 Sat 20-Jul-13 17:45:28

Sorry, this does sound hurtful in that, being sensitive myself, I would also be very upset. However, I also agree with the other posters thatthe arrangement probably just happened and wasn't intentionally done to exclude you. I think I would build up other friendships so you rely less on these two but also keep these friendships going aswell. I was bitten recently and incredibly hurt by a 'friend' who somewhat underhandedly decided to start to exclude me from her social gatherings because she didn't want our children to be friends. It was a horrid time as I felt so isolated and left out but it made me realise I relied on her too much. I have since made lots of other friendships which have actually become much closer than the one I had with her as they are much nicer people

nerofiend Mon 22-Jul-13 12:49:27

You’re right to feel hurt, OP. Maybe I’m too sensitive too, but if you always make an effort to keep the dynamics of the friendship going and never try to exclude anybody from the trio, then feeling excluded hurts like hell.

It happened to me twice in groups of three. For some reason, I’ve been the one pushed aside when I always made efforts to include everybody and been very careful not to do these things to people, as I hate it myself. But I guess it’s part of life and we need to move forward and not dwell on it too much, although I have to say it upsets me to this day when I think about it.

What your friends have done is wrong and insensitive on their part, especially when there are children involved as well. I do feel for the little ones too, who don’t know anything about stupid adults’ politics.

I wouldn’t say anything, and keep my suffering private to avoid drama. Wait and see if they do something to rectify the situation. If not, move on, make new friends and always keep in mind it’s not you, and that it happens to a lot of people. Here’s one of them 

nerofiend Mon 22-Jul-13 12:51:27

I meant this smile at the end smile

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