Hi Fi
I have gone through and added my notes amongst your
points in the e mail below. Some I have answered below your point and some I have answered collectively after a number of points. I have also answered some things at the end.
I think I have told you everything I can and have been honest.
I don't know if it will help.
I hope so.
Love Mum
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- When I picked up that knife it was because i thought i was going to die. Â Brother would frequently kick me in the stomach so i was winded (or punch me however he felt at the time i suppose) and he would hold me, winded to the floor and scream in my ear that this is how death felt like, that the pain i felt was how i would feel when i died and that i would die alone and cold because i deserve no better. Â
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- At the time of the knife, this was a weekly occurrence. Â Contrary to your popular belief, me 'winding him up' was not really the issue, he would do it because i was colouring in in the lounge too loud, or because i was eating too loud, or any one of a host of things. Â When i ran, i had no idea he has been cut, to be honest i am still unsure whether i did cut him or whether he did it to himself later. Â It was on the lawn in the front garden, outside House 1. Â I screamed and he tried to push his hands over my mouth, i licked his hands (god i didnt even bite him how pathetic was I) and i ran into the woods and i hid in a little bush that i always hid in. It was my safe place, that and the conker tree in the garden.Â
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- Â I phoned Childline and told them that we had had a fight and i had picked up a knife, i did not tell them i had cut Brother because i did not know. Â They urged me to return home, it was 19.30. Â I came home. Â You pulled me into the dining room and you battered me, you slapped me and screamed at me and shouted at me and told me off, in the end dad had to pull you off me. Â You sent me to my room, it was one of many occasions where i was sent to my room without anyone bothering to come and see me for the rest of the night. Â As usual I lay there until i began to hear you and dad having sex in the next room and then i started my nightly routine of pacing the house. Â I picked up a large black carving knife from the kitchen and i stood there, just praying for the strength to take my own life. Â
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- Â Looking back on the above situation, what do you think you added to the relationship between me and Brother that day? Â What do you think you taught us? Â You taught me that if i ever defended myself, you would batter me, make me feel awful about my existence and leave me frightened and alone in the dark whilst you carried on with your life. Â You told Ian that if i defended myself you would punish me. Â You didnt once ask me why, you didn't once suggest to me that it was in self defence. Â You never bothered to clarify anything. Â You need to talk about that. Â You need to tell me why.Â
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- Â Following that incident was the worst few years of my life, had i not felt powerless before i certainly did then.
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Points 1 ? 5
What I remember:
It was early evening.
Feeling very afraid that there had been an incident that could so easily have ended up with someone dead.Â
I remember looking at the deep scratch (rather than cut) that he had down his sternum and realising had it been either side or lower that it would have caused serious injury. I was shocked at the intensity of rage that must have been present and how out of control it seemed.
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I think I remember you told me that you called childline
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What I don't remember.
I don't remember how what had happened was told to me, whether he showed me, you told me or your Dad was already there and dealing with it.Â
I don't remember hitting you but if you say I did then I won?t deny it.
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There were from my memory very few occasions when I actually hit you.  I do remember the time I put my hands around your throat at House 2 when we were having a screaming match and you were threatening to leave. I think you were 15 and I think I said something like I would kill you rather than see you walk out and destroy your life.Â
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What I find real difficulty to hear is that you were sent upstairs to your room and no one spoke to you. Both your dad and I started our married life with the 'don't let the sun go down on an argument' principle and I know we both took that really seriously. It was the advice that your Dad's dad gave in his speech at our wedding. We were always really upset to be out of sorts with you kids. Again, you say it was routine that you were sent to your room and I am not going to tell you that is not so but I am surprised that that is your memory. It wasn?t how we meant to bring you up and it is horrible to be left feeling frightened and alone and feeling no one cares enough to talk about it.  I do remember that both your Dad and I kept saying the same thing to both you and Ian. Yes, we did tell you not to wind him up - I know how hard it is for you to hear that - I am not saying it is right I am just recalling that we said this over and over and we coupled that with 'and if he does or says something that is wrong then you walk away from him and you tell us about it when we get home and we will deal with it.Â
Our advice to Brother was ? ?if something she is doing is winding you up, walk away, go out do whatever and tell us about it later and if we think she has deliberately tried to annoy you we will deal with it. What you must not do is hit her. Even if we hear that she has deliberately wound you up, if you hit her then you will be the one at fault. It doesn't matter what she does Brother, you are not to hit her.?
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You were both clearly scared by what had happened.  I wanted to scare both of you and make sure you never did anything so dangerous again. My picture was that you picked up the knife because you thought Brother was going to hit you and that a really bad accident was narrowly avoided. I don't believe I blamed you more than him or him more than you, I was just so sick of the bickering that seemed to be constant with you two and so scared by what happened that day. Your dad and I were working hard, we didn't think we were bad people or bad role models and yes, we did believe our kids should have been able at the age you were then to 'behave' and 'be trusted' when we were not there.  I know I worked some late evenings at the bank through the week but your dad was always home by 5. There were only a few times that he went away in those years we were at House1.  I remember he was very angry a number of times at not being selected to go to Vegas when the Squadron went. So, the routine picture was that you were in the house together from the end of school to 5 o clock. I didn't feel that I was neglecting you. I didn't think I was leaving you alone too much and too long. I thought it was an inevitable sacrifice we were making as a family and didn't imagine that it ran with such risk.
It was a terrifying incident for everyone. I accept that I failed to deal with it in a way that avoided you feeling you were defeated and had nowhere to run and no one who cared for what you were going through. I understand that you blame me for not looking deeper into what had happened and why. Again, I can only tell you what was in my head and heart then as I remember it. To me, it was something that got out of hand by 2 kids who were constantly at each other. It was stupid, reckless behaviour that could have ended tragically. I was furious with you both. I had no concept of one of you thinking you had won and one lost. I do understand now that my fury at you, which was definitely real, must have made you think from that point on that you couldn't use that approach again, and that if you were attacked you would just have to take it because I had turned on you for defending yourself and almost hurting your brother.
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R e the noisy sex and you walking the house in despair.... I am so shocked to hear you refer to this. Your dad and I like I guess many parents are sensitive about waking the kids/frightening the kids. I know that there were a number of times (not that many) when for some reason you would all be out of the house and we joked about how we could 'make some noise' for a change. My memory is we never ever felt we were careless and again, I am surprised to hear your view that this was a regular event. I know how horrible it is to have to listen to someone else being noisy having sex in the house (you may remember you and I had a fight about it once when you were going out with a guy when we lived at House 2 and he was there with you one afternoon and it was VERY noisy and the windows were open). I remember us shouting at each other about that. You didn't mention you had had to suffer the same from me but maybe you were thinking it. Your Dad and I never intended to frighten you F and I am very sorry that you have these memories.
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 Lets go back a bit.Â
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- Â It is before boarding school, all i have ever heard is 'you wound him up' and justification for the constant and psychotic abuse i felt at my brothers hands, i was unable to communicate with or play with my peers, i was wracked with guilt, heavy handed and clumsey i could not do right for doing wrong, i took to following the dinner lady around at lunchtime because i was unable to play with people. Â I was completely encompassed by the reality of feeling worthless.Â
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- I went to boarding school, enamoured by the books i loved so much and thought that i could be 'different' there, that it could be this 'fresh start' i was always told was coming. Â It was different there, i was treated like a human being and a couple of times was made to feel i was not worthless.Â
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- I came home, unable to contend with the guilt and fear of being away from home, you have to understand mum that you blamed me for everything that happened, if he hit me it was 'my fault' i got in trouble at school and it was 'my fault' i was completely aware that the things that happened were because of me. It was totally because of me.Â
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- Brother noticed a new found sense of self within me and he sought to break it, he did anything he could to break that. Â I was 12, you had decided that putting on your clickity heels and being perfect and running off to the bank was far more important than coming home every night and he decided to break me. Â And he did.Â
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6,7 8 and 9
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I wasn't trying to be perfect F, I was trying to make our lives good ones. I can hear how much you resented me. I am sorry that you had such a bad experience. My job at the bank meant I started at 9.30. Worked til the bank closed at 4 then went out 3 evenings a week to see customers - usually seeing them at 6.30. I would generally come home to have tea with you all then go out again. It did mean I didn't get home until 9.30 often so I wasn't there when you went to bed but I was there. I accept that I wasn't around like most other mums were. I did not equate the problems you were experiencing to being down to Brother. My view was that yes, you didn't get on but I didn't see abnormality. You can tell me I should have done but I can only tell you that I didn't.Â
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We so hoped that you would be happier when you went to Boarding school. I have told you my thoughts on the conversations I had with the staff there and the outcome of the assessment as I remember it. Brother being the issue wasn?t raised. Your dad and I as well as the teachers at the school were concerned about you and just wanted to the best thing for you. When they suggested you come home and you said you wanted to we brought you home.
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10. Â The knife, after months? Â A year? of taking it and thinking i was going to die, i reacted and I was punished by you. What do you think that did in my brain? Â What do you think that did in Brothers brain?Â
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11. Â Years of pain and abuse, couldnt tell you, if i did i was punished 'you wound him up, go to your room' it didnt matter then what he did because i wouldnt say anything and he used to just hurt me for fun. Â I know why, its because i was dramatic, emotional and hurt, he was smooth and clear, because i was depressive and he was psychotic. Â Psychotics are clear and concise, if you speak to Ian Brady (massive jump i know) he will tell you that he did the things he did because he was interested to see what would happen, he has clear reasons for his actions. Â He is convinced.Â
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I was not convinced, i was evil, scum, i was to blame, it was my fault for 'winding him up' it was my fault when you got angry, it was my fault when the school was involved.Â
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12. Â Brother hits me on the top of the head at 13 for leaving a cup out of the dishwasher, dad walks through the door as i am spitting bits of my teeth out. Â He punishes Brother, waits for you to get home. Â You come in and again, turn it around on me 'oh how can you kick out your brother, how could you do this to him, its in your court F, if he is out on the streets then its your fault.' Â Wracked with guilt and with nothing else to go on but the words of my mother i let him stay. Â The abuse continues.Â
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I do remember how horrified I was when Brother hit you and broke your teeth. I knew that he had left us with no outlet this time. I had so wanted things to have improved between you and Brother. I wanted to see a reconciliation rather than a breakdown. I did appeal to both of you to please put this hostility aside as it was destroying our family. I admit that I was still seeing both of you as contributing to the problem. You with your words and him with his fists. It was devastating to have to admit that we had two children who couldn't be left together, who seemed to hate each other and who (my selfish thoughts again) wouldn't try even though we begged them to get along together. To have to admit that we couldn't live together was horrible. I felt really defeated and yes, let down. I wasn't prepared to have you left in danger though and I knew that neither you nor Brother could give me any reassurance that this or something like it wouldn't happen again, we had no choice but to have Brother move out. I know I begged both of you to think about how it could be avoided. I know you feel I was trying to make you feel guilty, it wasn't about that. It was about trying not to lose something that was so important to me. I wanted us to be proper family and here we were admitting we couldn't be. I know you hate me referring to the issues I had with my brothers before I left home but I can tell you that I saw in Brother the blind rage that had so often resulted in me (or others) being hurt by My brother especially and the fear and defeat that followed. I believed that Brother was powerless to avoid wanting to hurt you when the rage took him and that it was inevitable that he would, without you even trying or being anything different than your normal self, enrage him to the point of blind violence. I recognised this. I knew it well.Â
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 13.  Fast forward to age 17, I've been finding out more and more about life with my freedom since school, i've been finding out that people can love each other without adgenda but still i believe that it is my fault i am not capable of that.  You appear and tell me that i am horrid for being nasty to you, look how nice you are, look at the things you give me, look how much my life in improved with you in it.  I am irrational for the guilt and anger that i have felt and still feel, how could I?  How dare i have this anger towards you, it is my problem.  I work with it.Â
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I am not sure what you mean be saying ?I appear?? I am not sure if what you are referring to is an incident that led me to tell you these things or perhaps you are you telling me this is all you remember me saying when you were that age? You were horrid sometimes ? like most teenagers are, like I know I was. I didn't expect you to be perfect. We did have fights. But we had a lot more than fights F, we had good times too. Yes I have no doubt I asked you why you were being horrible at the times that I felt you were. It did feel that you were hard to please. I didn't know that you had so many past hurts between us. I really felt we could be close and were close, especially at times and I hated it when you would behave unpredictably and accuse me of not loving you or caring for you. It didn't make sense to me. It did and does hurt to have you paint me as such a cold uncaring person when I felt I was being a good mum. Again, I didn't know what was driving your anger. I was still fumbling along with you doing what I thought was right.Â
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I spend years feeling guilty and putting it behind me, i am the problem its me, i have done this to myself, how could I not like and love you my mum, how could i not want all these pretty things and times and why am i so angry, why am i me. Â Why?Â
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14. Â I meet Husband, he tries to get into my head, make me able to love him, i tell him he cant that its a trick and a game, that i am poison and he must get away from me or i will hurt him. Â I start to trust him and believe him, i begin to have flashbacks to things i had forgotten, flashbacks that i still get now at nearly 30... pieces of a puzzle. Â He asks me 'why why why wont you talk to me' 'why are you shaking, whats going on' i have to tell him somehow tell him what i am back to, that when i shake like that i am back there, curled up on the floor in agony with someone screaming in my ear and ITS MY FAULT. Â That i am there because i am evil and i know as i say it that he will say 'my god you make people hurt you because you are so evil' Â and he says 'no matter what you did you didnt deserve that. Â 'I did' Â i say, 'you dont understand, i wound him up'Â
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15 Husband helps me open up, i meet more people who have been attacked by Ian, not to the extent but this helps, i speak to people and end up talking about my experiences, i have DS1 and realise that he could never do anything to 'deserve' abuse like that, so why did I? Â I talk to various people who all agree that no matter what a child does, they could not deserve that.Â
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16. I begin to realise how fucked it all was, I can say that i did not deserve it, i did not ask for it'Â
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17 we drive to Bexhill and you tell me that i wound him up, that i was the hard one to live with. Â Our relationship ends.Â
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18 It cannot be like it was when i was 19 anymore mum, i am not guilty or sorry that i have anger towards you, it is not irrational anger it is very real and clear anger, it is anger anyone would feel.Â
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You cannot guilt trip me into having a relationship with you. Â I am no longer guilty. You brow-beat me into a situation when i was 19 where i felt responsible for my anger 'the ball is in your court F' your favourite words hey? Â
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Nope, i am angry and i am not guilty and that does you no favours because its all you have to go on. Â Remember 'parenting is all about guilt' Â not anymore.Â
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I have had to lie facing away from Husband and tell him things that have happened to me because i have been so sure that he will just hate me for them and he has just looked up and said 'that wasn't your fault, you didnt create that!' Â But thats what I have always believed because of you and dad.Â
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I live in a bubble now, unable to understand why someone like me has landed a life like this, why i am allowed such love. Â I feel like its a bubble that could pop at any moment because i was always taught that all i was worthy of was pain.Â
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I want you to answer each and every number of this email with your thoughts about it. Â I want to know your views and your thoughts about every morsel of it. Â I've numbered it so you dont get lost.Â
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Is there a way out of this? Â I dont know... I want there to be and so do you, the rest of them; Family I will never ever speak to again for as long as i live, i am not interested but i find that hard to say to you. Â Maybe i need to though. Â I think only by going through this will we know.Â
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14 - 18Â
I accept your anger F.
I accept that you have had a miserable, unfair experience growing up that has and still is hurting you.
I accept that you had a brother who caused you terror and that the way your Dad and I dealt with it sent you into a lonely frightened world that you still struggle to escape even though you are surrounded by love and joy.
I understand far better from your honesty in your last e mails the reality of the world that was yours. I understand that you have to ask the questions why - why did I (your mother) do that - why didn't I do that - why and how could someone supposedly clever etc and caring really get it so wrong. I hope that my own honesty can give you something that helps but I'm afraid there are no other answers F. I made mistakes. I was immature, selfish, blind stupid maybe lazy, maybe unrealistic and irresponsible in overlooking and accepting and condoning even some things that shouldn't have been.
All I know is that none of the hurt you are feeling or felt was the intention. I married a man I loved. I had 3 beautiful, longed for children, you not least. I worked hard to give them advantages in life that I thought would help them avoid some of the negatives I had experienced. I was overwhelmed sometimes by how difficult it was to achieve harmony. It is a huge sadness for me that our family, the family I had such a 'perfect' vision for,  has not been the close knit, loving unit that I dreamt of. It is a bigger sadness for me that you are left with all the hurt and injustice you are feeling. I hate that it spoils what you have earned and deserve. Peace about yourself. Freedom from all the questions about your role and others roles in things that happened in the past. You are not evil or bad or at fault. You had a shit time growing up and you dealt with it the best you could. You've found the strength to look it full in the face and to stop hiding behind politeness or duty or guilt and to challenge me, the person you genuinely and properly looked to to protect you from the horrors you actually experienced and you've 'called me out' on what must seem like total hypocrisy when you hear me tell me I love you and when I even have the nerve to challenge you for not being as nice or appreciative as you should be because haven't I been such a wonderful friend and supporter. I get that this has reached the point where that really sticks in your throat.
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I don't know if you will ever be able to think of me without disdain. I am not going to ask for anything from you. As much as I absolutely hate it, I have to accept that, whatever my intentions, the reality is that my daughter's experience is that she had a dreadful childhood and feels that I neglected and abused her and failed to provide her with even the very basic fundamentals of motherhood and that even now, I bring nothing but hypocrisy and cause you more pain.  I am glad that you are trying to deal with this. I am glad that you are standing your ground and fighting for you and reaffirming your right to be respected. I am glad that you have a good man and two beautiful children to hug to love and be loved by.
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I am sorry for all that has happened. I am sorry for you and I am sorry for me too and for the entire family, immediate and distant. This wasn't how it should have been.
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I hope we can agree to keep a relationship in the future and to get to a place where there is no new hurt and the old hurt doesn't steal the joys of tomorrow. I hope that you will be able to get past this and to reach a point where you can say 'I felt for a long time that I was to blame for some terrible things that I endured when I was a child and beyond, I know now that I wasn't to blame, that the problem was not me'. I hope you will enjoy your life and not be haunted or held back by the past and that you will have loving relationships and be happy.
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Love
Mum