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My mother and BPD... A bit of help rationalising my thoughts please.(157 Posts)
So, to cut a (very) long story short, I have not been in contact with my mother for the last 5 months.
This stems from my childhood, the fact i was abused by my older brother emotionally and physically and she ignored it, leaving me alone with my two older brothers from around aged 8 for 2+ hours a day, plus leaving us for 10 days to go to vegas when i was 12 years old. My brothers are 3 and 5 years older than me.
She had plenty of money and there was plenty of opportunity that things were not right which she had just ignored.
When i got to 17 I tried to cut them all off but she stopped me and put down a deposit on a house for me to live in, which i did for the next 7 years. I loved my house because it was the first place i ever felt safe but i still felt very angry with my mum and she made me see that this was terrible of me, how could I be angry with someone who gave me so much/treated me so well.
So, with little else to go on and still believe i was the most awful, irrational person in the world, I ran with that and amended my behaviours and taught myself not to be angry with her. Despite this work our relationship has always been fraught with underlying issues and constantly revolving around money and what she gives to me and why aren't i more grateful.
Throughout life i realised a number of things, i met my husband and he changed my perception of a lot of the stuff that had happened to me, like my brother would kick me in the stomach so i was winded and hold me down screaming in my ear that this is what death felt like and i would die alone because nobody would ever love me because i was so evil/pathetic/ugly etc etc. So obviously DH has had to break through a lot of barriers and teach me that him loving me is not part of some great plot or whatever. Its been hard because its always there in my mind but we work through things.
The other major issue has been that when i have flashbacks i find it really difficult to talk to him because when i did open up to my parents my mum would tell me that i had wound my brother up and i should be better at not getting him angry so that he would leave me alone.
This is hard because he would just randomly attack me for loads of stuff like leaving a cup out of the dishwasher, or colouring in while he was watching telly and making a scratching sound on the paper... etc etc.
So all this stuff went on, at one point i picked up a knife because he said he was going to kill me and ran out of the house, he followed me and rugby tackled me and received a downward scratch on his chest, it was not deep, needed no medical attention yet my mum spoke of it like i had 'stabbed' him and beat the shit out of me and refused to listen to my point of view about it. That was when i was 12 and because i was punished so much for it and he was not, it sort of made it clear that he could do what he wanted to me and there was no self-defence or comeback towards him. So he just used to torture me for fun and there was nothing i could do about it.
Anyway, so it was suggested that i visit a child psychologist when i was 11 and i did that, they told my mum they thought i had Borderline Personality Disorder but it could not be diagnosed formally until adulthood.
I heard my dad and her speaking about it and they said it was a 'made up' condition and just shrinks wanting money and ignored it.
When i got older and met more and more people and learnt to open up, i realised that peoples general perception was that no matter what i had 'done to wind him up' i didnt deserve to have three of my teeth shattered or any of the other stuff he did. I mention the teeth because though not the worst thing i remember it was obvious to my mum because she paid a private dentist about 2k to veneer my four front teeth.
So back in February, we are driving in the car and she asks me for a 'balcony view' of why i dont get on with my brother (this is honestly the way she talks) and i begin to tell her. So she says that I was the difficult one, i was the one that caused her the most 'bother' and that it was my fault because i wound him up. Well i stopped speaking to her from there really because i am not up for being told that anymore.
We had a lot of email communication but it was basically her ignoring everything i said and instead just focusing on one point of an email and telling me i was awful for not moving on with my life and that i blamed her and how dare I and I had so much anger in me and it was totally irrational.
So we stopped communicating that way and agreed that she would stay in touch with my husband to get updates on the kids. This all went fine until she started sending him emails saying that she was 'praying for my happiness' and bullshit like that which made me really angry.
So i told her to stop it and husband didnt know what to do so it was hard for him.
So thats the background, now 2 weeks ago Thursday, i got an email from her saying that she had researched BPD and agreed that i had it, that she had ignored the obvious signs of personality disorder because she wanted a perfect family and it was getting in the way of that. She said that she wanted to be a part of my family life now and didnt understand why issues in the past were getting in the way of that.
I sent one back basically saying that BPD is a product of abuse in childhood and that she was not prepared to lose this 'golden boy' image of my brother in order to validate me and i was not interested in a world where i constantly had to scream to be heard, it hurts my head and its created real damage within me.
she ignored all of this and focused on the last line which was that i agreed that it was nicer for me and the kids to have her around sometimes.
So eventually, after many emails i got her to understand why it was so hard to grow up never being heard and being treated like a thug (like with the knife) and never helped to see how i could communicate with people better.
So i thought we were getting somewhere and i was putting numbers by paragraphs on a very long email detailing everything so she would actually answer it rather than avoid it, but i did say to her that it was not acceptable for her to make me feel guilty for being angry with her, that i didnt anymore and also that i do still have flashbacks and emotional issues stemming from my childhood and that she would have to work with me to deal with those things
so she sends an email (about 4 days ago now) saying 'I think we both need to go and have a think about everything'
and thats it, have heard nothing more
opened up to her, told her what i needed and what she needed to do, really allowed her an opening into my life and i feel like shes sent me an email telling me that she'll 'consider' whether its a good enough offer or not for her!
I dont know what to do now, i feel like just telling her to fuck off again but i dont know if thats a bit presumptuous .
I am happy to copy and paste a couple of the emails, or the last few or something that describes everything in detail but i wondered if anyone was up for helping me with this? Because i dont really know where else to turn right now and i could really do with some support... Thank you in advance.
You really ARE wonderful! What an idiot your mother is, to have got it all so catastrophically wrong!
Still, you have given her your best chance, she still can't see it. You tried, it's her that failed, certainly not you!
You are a great carer, wife, mother, friend, daughter and sister.
What others think of you can't change any of that.
Bloody well done love!
Thanks hissy I did go to the doctors today and she has put me on anti depressants for a few weeks, to be honest I am glad of the break from my head.
Can't say I feel any different today but hopefully will soon
Anti-depressants can take a couple of weeks before you start noticing the effects, so you won't feel different for a few days, or at least, not because of them. You probably will feel different because of how things have gone at work, and for telling your mother what's what. So keep it up!
Remember too that with all that you have been through, feeling sad, hurt, angry, scared and every other émotion in thé book is totally natural, and on some level needed.
The ADs may take a while to have an effect, but with any luck they will help you feel less vulnerable.
You've been on a heck of a journey love, well done!
I feel quite fucked on the citalopram actually, a bit like I've taken half an E
Which is unexpected I have to say...
Oh I took that once, trying to medicate myself out of feeling the panic stemming from the DV relationship I was in at the time. Of course we all know that was daft... ending the relationship would have been more effective!
First day was wacko! second day was better.
Citalopram is good for mood/panic. See how you get on with it, it ought to help.
Have you tried Rescue Remedy too?
Today is mostly yawny! I just want to go to sleep! Need to keep awake n clean the kitchen before work
Doesn't help that it's a little bit chilly today so snuggling under my duvet sounds great...
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