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Just Called Off Wedding :'( advice please

(30 Posts)
Mollyma Fri 19-Jul-13 18:31:39

I just called off my wedding to my fiance. I am meant to be getting married November 30th and I have called off my own wedding.

My whole life has crumbled. literally. I feel so lost and down and feel like I have nowhere to go. I have been with my fiance since I was 18 and I am now 24.

We met in college and have been together since, he got offered a job in Chicago and after 6 years of dating proposed to me, because we would be getting married in November we moved to Chicago for his new job last year November planning 1 year engagement.

I am from Canada and we both moved to Chicago, I left my job, my friends, my life and everything so we could move here and start our life here only knowing him here in Chicago.

We bought our house here in Chicago, I finally found a job and I honestly thought we were on our way. Everything was good and we've just been busy planning our wedding and honeymoon.

Over the past few months everything changed. to cut a long story short I realized that all these years my fiance has had a secret life completely.

1. Between age 15-25 (while we were together) my fiance has had a completely secret bisexual life. He swears he hasn't done anything with any guys despite flirting but honestly I do not believe him.

2. He has an addiction to gay pornography which I had no idea about (I use his laptop all the time but never saw it he was very smart) he has confessed he watches it almost every other day before i wake up.

3. He also has this whole circle of secret friends (female) who he acts as their gay best of friend around (I've never met these women before)

I never knew about any of this and found out by a slip chance (he has a secret email account which he used to order something, i say the Ebay invoice and thought hmmm and i went digging from there).

I found this all out this week but since moving here things have crumbled because I had my women instinct about this and since we moved here something just wasn't right.

He is crying and begging saying he isn't gay bla bla bla but honestly i think it would be crazy for me to go ahead with the wedding. If he has been having this secret life for 10 years it wont just magically go away.

Now I am here and I feel I threw my youth, my life all down the drain for a lie and I don't think I will be able to live properly after this.

I just feel so shocked and lost. I left everything behind in Canada to move here and feel I have lost everything I have ever known. I'm going to have to go back to Canada rebuild my life again and start over when I knew this man since i was so young.

I don't know were to even begin rebuilding my life again.I have nooone I love around me. My mum passed away and back in Canada I only have my brother. I feel I have nothing to go back to and nothing here. My whole life has shattered apart.

Please reassure me that everything will be okay. sad

Do you think I made the right decision sad

calmingtea Fri 19-Jul-13 18:38:47

100% the right decision. You can't live with this man always having your doubts. You are only 24 and you have many years to be happy in front of you, take lots of time out to be single and enjoy yourself for a few years, and when you are naturally ready you will meet someone new.

AnneEyhtMeyer Fri 19-Jul-13 18:39:47

Just bumping for you as I am sure someone more helpful will come along shortly, but I wanted to say that you have absolutely made the right decision. And you are still young!

Ruprekt Fri 19-Jul-13 18:42:04

You poor thing! What a terrible shock and how deceitful of this man to keep it from you. You do not do that to someone if you love them.

You have 100% done the right thing.

Be kind to yourself and look after yourself. Maybe you don't need to move back to Canada if you have made friends here but he needs to leave and you need to heal.

Vivacia Fri 19-Jul-13 18:44:52

Absolutely the right decision. Pause the wedding, buy yourself the time you need to plan your next steps. No need to hurry at all.

Fairylea Fri 19-Jul-13 18:45:43

You are 24. I know it doesn't seem like it now but you have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who is perfect for you and he isn't perfect for you. So do not feel bad. Move forward.

If it's any help or comfort ... when I was 24 I was a single parent to a 1 year old. I then got married for a second time (dds dad and I were together 18-24 and that wasn't right either) ... I got divorced at 29 and then remarried (again!!!!) at 32. I am now mid 30s and I have a 1 year old son with my now dh who I am very, very happy with. Sometimes life is hard but it is full of changes and too short to be with the wrong person.

You will get through this, I promise.

Paintyourbox Fri 19-Jul-13 18:46:06

You poor, poor thing.

100% you have made the right decision. I think there may be more revelations to come here.

Have you made new friends in Chicago? Are you enjoying your job etc? What are the prospects like job-wise if you go back to Canada?

Bedtime1 Fri 19-Jul-13 18:47:00

Omg so sorry Molly. You will be okay. You will get through this.
I think you have done the right thing. You can't live a lie at the expense of your own life.

Are you only 24? Your young. Time is a healer and everyone says this and it feels like rubbish at the time but it certainly is true. Time moves on and you heal . Be kind to yourself.

KoalaFace Fri 19-Jul-13 18:51:27

No doubt about it, you've done the right thing.

I'm so sorry that this is happening, it's a horrible situation.

You are so so young, you have a lot of time ahead. I would recommend making your decisions from now on based on the fact that you are so young and could have some wonderful, exciting experiences.

Do you want to travel? Try a new career? Study? Just meet new people and have some fun? Do it. You can put yourself first completely.

Of course you'll need time to wrap your head around all thats happened and the massive change to your life. But your future is wide open. Your youth isn't gone, you're in it!

Myinboxisfull Fri 19-Jul-13 18:55:20

You have absolutely done the right thing. You are young with your whole future ahead of you and so much to look forward to. Go forwards and don't look back.

duchesse Fri 19-Jul-13 19:02:40

If it wasn't right for you then breaking it off was the right decision. Life is too long to spend it doing major things you're not 100% convinced are right. Be kind to yourself and heal well.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Jul-13 19:03:21

What a lucky escape. I know it feels like shit at the moment but imagine how awful your life would be if you'd married him before you'd found all this out about his secret double life and were up to your armpits in children, financial commitments and everyone else's expectations.

I think you're going to need some RL help to get through this initial phase of shock and betrayal. If you don't have family where you are, maybe you could talk to some of your old friends. Counselling would also be a good idea. Affairs and porn use are bad enough. That he's gay as well hits right at the heart of your femininity and you may need some help getting to grips with that.

Good luck

EllaFitzgerald Fri 19-Jul-13 19:03:59

What a horrific thing to find out. Even if he hasn't been unfaithful, he's kept a whole part of his life secret from you. You've absolutely made the right decision.

You know you're strong enough to start again because you've already done it once. You had the strength to leave everything and everyone you knew to begin a new life in Chicago, knowing only one person. It will be ok sweetheart, I know your heart is probably breaking at the moment, but it will get easier. You've still got years of your youth left, once you're feeling up to it, here's your opportunity to do anything you want in the world.

TalkativeJim Fri 19-Jul-13 20:00:55

Good God of course you've made the right decision.

He has spent your entire relationship lying and lying and lying and lying and lying and...

It's not about his sexuality.

He's made a mockery of every aspect of your relationship. Hell, there IS no relationship. Just a lot of lies.

This is not the sort of person any sane woman would want as a partner.

Well done.

backinaminute Fri 19-Jul-13 20:16:32

What a massive shock. I really do think you will look back on this time with mass of relief.

I was with the same boyfriend from 15-23. We were together through school and uni. When I was at uni we spilt for a little while but got back together. We bought a house and lived together after uni and I knew it wasn't right. Nothing as awful as what you found out but I really thought I had made my bed. The next step was marriage and children and we were talking about that. We did split though as basically were were like brother and sister. My family were not supportive and there was a lot of drama. I felt like I had lost my best friend and all I had ever known.

I was so sad and really thought I wouldn't ever meet anyone else but 24 really is very young, even if you don't think so today.

I met a wonderful man two years (of fun) later and now I am 30 and have 2 gorgeous children.

I remember how you feel right now so well (aside from the betrayal) but I just wanted to say that things will get better and you will find someone who deserves you.

Personally, if you are feeling that you have no where to go right now, I would go and book a last minute holiday and go and take stock, either with a friend or by yourself. thanks

DfanjoUnchained Fri 19-Jul-13 20:36:34

You did the right thing. He is gay but in denial and your marriage won't end well.

Poor you, so sorry you found this out but thank god you did while you're still young. Good luck x

LalyRawr Fri 19-Jul-13 20:39:41

I don't think it matters if he is gay, bi, straight whatever.

Fact is, he kept a pretty big lie from you for years. I cold never trust somebody who lied so easily, for so long.

You did the right thing. You're 24, you have years of youth left. Enjoy it.

Zazzles007 Fri 19-Jul-13 23:48:36

OP you have dodged a massive, massive bullet, and you can 10000% believe that you have done the right thing. Your ex has kept a huge part of himself secret from you, and this is an enormous betrayal. I am glad for your own sake that you have done what any self-respecting adult would do, call off the wedding and break up with him. Although you may not see it this way at the moment, at 24, you have lots of love and fun ahead of you. I second those who have said go for counseling, as this is a huge betrayal. Will you move back home to be closer to friends and family?

LobstersLass Fri 19-Jul-13 23:55:15

You have made the right decision.
I know you feel that you have, " threw my youth, my life all down the drain" - but you really have not.

I am 40.

You are 24.

Honestly now, you can recover from this.
Come back stronger.
Meet someone that really deserves you.
I wish you every success and happiness. Get out there and enjoy your youth.
Be strong lovely girl.

BloomingRose Sat 20-Jul-13 09:48:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloomingRose Sat 20-Jul-13 09:52:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppettyPing Sat 20-Jul-13 10:19:02

Oh my god, 1000 billion percent the right decision. Like the other posters have said you have NOT thrown your youth down the drain!
If that were the case then we've ALL thrown ours away!

I'm a big believer in that sometimes when it feels like you've hit rock bottom and the rug's been pulled out from underneath you, that is the time for the most growth, and you'll surprise yourself and how you can come back and make a great life for yourself. You have a lot to look forward to, even if it seems hard now.

You CAN go back to Canada and rebuild your life. I don't know what your immigration situation is in the US but if you are not in a position to stay, go back. I'm Canadian too, (although I live in the UK) and depending on what part you are from/going to, I can put you in touch with people if you like?

faulkernegger Sat 20-Jul-13 11:20:17

The right decision, without a doubt, and you WILL get through it. One day you'll look back and say 'Thank God I got out when I did'. Lots of support for you here on MN.

estrella79 Sat 20-Jul-13 13:10:52

I too called off my wedding to my fiance when I discovered that he was a member of a gay dating site and had been having phone sex and exchanging photographs with men behind my back. I confronted him and he swore he wasn't gay, was just confused, was only doing it because I "wasn't being nice" to him (???!) I did some more digging and realised that this had been going on even before we got together - I felt like the five years we had spent together had been a complete lie.

I was 32 at the time and had to start again from scratch, but I refused to let it beat me. Later that year, I met the man who was to become my DH and I can't even begin to describe how much better my life is now. You may feel like your life is shattered, but believe me - it's not irreparably broken.

BreadNameBread Sat 20-Jul-13 13:21:14

You have done the right thing. It is the deceit that is the problem rather than the gay thing.
You may get sick of hearing this but you are still young and have the rest of your life ahead of you.
Presumably you enjoyed most of your time with your ex. You didn't waste those years. You did things, left home, matured. It has ended badly but it's OK, there are no kids involved and no real harm done. Although it may not feel that way. Now you have to start again which is scary but very doable.
I hope everything works out for you.

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