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DP and his blooming STUFF!

(43 Posts)
brandybabycham Fri 19-Jul-13 11:36:38

My DP is a semi-hoarder. He likes to keep stuff – lots of it! Lots of books, lots of CDs, lots of old newspapers, lots of old clothes he no longer wears, lots of leaflets and booklets, lots of transport maps – STUFF! I moved in 6 years ago and have lived AROUND him and his stuff. Then DD6 and DD3 came along…

We decided to move and rent the house. I started packing up the kids stuff and my stuff. DP doesn’t like anyone to touch HIS stuff. He stated numerous times…

“DD's have too many toys. I don’t want all this stuff in the new house”. So, I sorted through a lot of girls toys .

“We won’t take put anything in the new house that isn’t essential and hasn’t been sorted out”. So I sorted all our stuff out - furniture, utensils EVERYTHING to the minimum.

TH thought "OK. He’s turning over a new leaf, he’s making an effort…, he wants to do things differently………SO, I sorted through EVERYTHING belonging to the girls and I ruthlessly and boxed it, and threw away a lot of stuff. DP didn’t lift a finger!

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought …” HE’LL DO IT SOON”……

Well, it ended up taking a YEAR to move into our new place, and still DP hadn’t started sorting out his stuff !!

I moved us into new home – making sure girls and I only took the essentials and personal stuff.

Does DP sort out anything?!!

DP literally fills bags and boxes with all that is in his cupboards and takes it - straight into wardrobes in new house. However, he still left loads of stuff in old property (to sort out and throw away)

Fast forward 4 months and we are now ready to rent old property. DP waits until 2 days before renters due – to bag up rest of his gear and - YES – BRING IT ALL TO NEW HOUSE!

Now, house is empty it needs a clean. DP wants ME to go around and clean it!!! I refused, so he is paying £80 for a ‘deep clean’. I am fuming!

This could have been done months ago if he had 1) sorted his stuff out months earlier 2) cleared old property sooner 3) sorted stuff before bringing to the new house to dump!!

And breathe…….

hellsbellsmelons Fri 19-Jul-13 11:43:29

Wow - he sounds like very hard work.
After having watched the hoarder programmes on TV there is no way on this planet I could live with one.
They just cannot change. It's an illness.
Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?
I couldn't bear it!
Good luck!

brandybabycham Fri 19-Jul-13 11:50:14

He's a blooming ypocrit! Was adamant the girls had too many toys and we had no space for them all....... then fills ALL the storage space with his rubbish!

I just despair angry

brandybabycham Fri 19-Jul-13 11:50:39

Sorry, hypocrit

misskatamari Fri 19-Jul-13 12:25:09

Blinking heck brandybabycham i'd be tearing my hair out too. It is totally not on! I think I would be giving him a stern talking to - spelling out exactly what needed to happen (you go through your stuff by THIS date and you GET RID of anything not vital/something you completely love) and then if he doesn't stick to that I would let him know I would be bloody well doing it for him. If he doesn't do it, stick to your guns and start chucking things - he'll soon sort it out for himself. Its completely disrespectful to you and your children to behave in such a selfish manner - he needs a kick up the arse and many trips to the tip!

brandybabycham Fri 19-Jul-13 13:46:27

Thanks misskatamari - You're right! I would love to remove it all, but he would get silly - and probably start removing mine and kids stuff.....tit for tat ........he can be petty like that angry

misskatamari Fri 19-Jul-13 14:42:55

you've already removed half your stuff! Hope you manage to get him to see sense! Must be so frustrating!

Katisha Fri 19-Jul-13 14:53:56

It's very hard. I think there's more to it that simply being selfish. He probably thinks all his STUFF represents his life and therefore is of interest not only to him but to future generations...IT's very hard to reason with that sort of thinking.

giantpurplepeopleeater Fri 19-Jul-13 15:03:50

Personally, I wouldn't be getting rid of any more stuff of yours or the girlsuntil he gets rid of his.

I don't know the details about hoarders, but I was under the impression that someone with that sort of illness likes to hoard ALL stuff, include family stuff, not just his own. The fact that he is willing to foregoe itams that are yours, you DCs, and shared house stuff such as kitchen stuff, makes me think this 'hoarding' is just an excuse not to btoher sorting it all out.

Of course I could be wrong, but it all sounds very one sided, even if he is ill. I might be pressing the point about getting treated rather than throwing out all my things.

Trazzletoes Fri 19-Jul-13 15:07:51

Semi-hoarder? No, my dear, he sounds like a hoarder. No "semi" about it. It doesn't have to be like on the tv shows before its hoarding.

Accept that he's not going to deal with his stuff because he can't. He needs professional help. Without it, he won't change. It's an illness, and not one that you can just get better from with no outside influence.

But I would be raging too in your position. Sit him down and explain how annoyed you are. Or have you done that already? What did he say?

Trazzletoes Fri 19-Jul-13 15:09:10

giant no, it can be either. Allowing other people's stuff to go doesn't make him not a hoarder.

giantpurplepeopleeater Fri 19-Jul-13 15:12:29

Trazzle - happy to be corrected smile

In that case, I would be pushing for him to get some treatment rather than getting rid of your and your DC's stuff.

It's not really helping matters is it? You getting rid of stuff doesn't make him get rid of his, makes you frustrated and probably makes your girls think its unfair. The only thing that will help is professional help.

FishCalledWonder Fri 19-Jul-13 15:14:45

Hmmm... I'd be threatening to start a bofire in the garden in a month's time.

TVTonight Fri 19-Jul-13 16:46:46

I would go absolutely fucking nuclear.. And (flame away) I think crying "It's an illness" is a pile of stinking bullshit. He has been MANIPULATIVE (a character trait) this is about his personality. He wants to expand into your space and for you and your children to reduce yourselves to accommodate it.

He has royally and deliberately put the OP over a barrel. He's a selfish shit.

Mum2Fergus Fri 19-Jul-13 16:59:31

All bagged and boxed you say!? I know what I'd be doing with it then...straight to the tip!!

Trazzletoes Fri 19-Jul-13 17:19:59

Lovely to see such great understanding of a mental illness here.

LemonDrizzled Fri 19-Jul-13 17:29:36

Hi trazzle I remember you from the hoarder thread recently.

OP it may be a bit late in the day to try to change your H. This behaviour is really hard to deal with. The roots are deep and he has to want to understand why he is valuing his old tat (aka Precious Hoard) over you and the girls and your right to a well run attractive home.

He has to
1. recognise he has a problem
2. Address the psychological reasons for his attachment to the Hoard
3. Be prepared to learn new ways of managing his belongings.

If he wont do all those things you have to decide if you can live with the Hoard which will steadily grow as he gets older.
What are his parents like?

crabbyoldbat Fri 19-Jul-13 17:39:17

Someone on another thread (I've forgotten who and where) suggested storing binbags (particularly of clothes, but paperwork would work too) in some (preferably damp) outside place "just to keep the clutter out of the house while we get sorted and decide where its going to live" - after six months they'll start to get 'accidentally' mouldy*, and when he does eventually want what's in them, and looks, it'll be too late/they'll be ruined and he'll have to throw them out. And in the meantime, they're not in your way

Blimey, bracket overload, sorry.

* this can be enhanced by making sure the inside of the bags is ever so slightly damp

Of course, this is not an option that treats your partner like an adult, but may be a pragmatic solution.

DarceyBissell Fri 19-Jul-13 22:04:18

Hate to be a bearer of bad news but hoarder types never change. You will be tearing your hair out for years if you don't get the upper hand now. Bag up all unwanted stuff and give to charity shop now. I know from experience.

onefewernow Fri 19-Jul-13 23:10:28

One thing people in difficult situations find hard to understand is the following: you can understand and empathise with a problem in a partner but you don't gave to live with it. It is not unsympathetic to what better fir yourself if he cannot or does not.

He IS being manipulative and making you shift your priorities do that HE doesn't have to. That isn't in.

onefewernow Fri 19-Jul-13 23:11:59

Lordy! Typos !

Have not gave.

Want better for yourself.

Nottalotta Fri 19-Jul-13 23:23:11

Oh I feel your pain. Myself and Dh live in a largish 2 bed end terrace. The bedrooms are huge. I can barely get in the second bedroom for stacks of magazines and newspapers/post etc. None of them are a foot high but they are closely spread over the carpet. There are about 10 piles in our bedroom. The kitchen and 'middle' downstairs room have a combination of tools and papers to make them difficult to use normally. It drives me mad. I am going to start binning the papers but am unsure how to deal with the rest. I feel like i am treating him like a child if i say anything.

Trazzletoes Fri 19-Jul-13 23:34:26

Throwing out/ burning the hoard will not make the slightest bit of difference. Hoarders have complex mental health issues! He'll just replace the hoard and lose all trust in the OP.

I'm not saying she has to stay and put up with it forever but if he had cancer/ gallstones/ heart disease, presumably one would support him and try to help him access treatment and support. Why is it different because its his brain that's affected?

If he then refuses to get help or access treatment, that's an entirely different matter.

I am full-on DISGUSTED by the attitudes of the majority of the people on this thread. I am not a hoarder but lived with one for many years. When people are sick you try to help them get better. You don't pull the rug out from under their feet.

Trazzletoes Fri 19-Jul-13 23:36:07

The manipulation being something of a separate issue which definitely needs addressing.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 19-Jul-13 23:40:18

Drug addiction is also a mental illness. But I wouldn't live with a drug addict.

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