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SAHMs (preferably new mums) How much does your partner do?

(35 Posts)
newmumsuchfun Thu 18-Jul-13 11:55:37

If you are a SAHM and your partner/husband works. How much do they do when it comes to your child / the household?

Ragwort Thu 25-Jul-13 18:31:01

Thanks for updating, well done for communicating - hope it all works out smile.

newmumsuchfun Thu 25-Jul-13 14:52:14

Thanks everyone - It all actually blew up last wkend which forced me to really say my piece. I think he understood my point - that in the week it is my job but at the weekend he is our job. Things have been a lot better as I just don't think he realised how i felt. We seem to be much more of a family since. I think I just needed to communicate better. so thank you all thanks

LaRosaBella Thu 18-Jul-13 20:01:23

My DD is 4 months old and my DP splits house work, actually he probably does a bit more than me and puts her to bed and takes her in the morning ( dd wakes very early) before he starts work, so I can get a couple of hours of proper sleep. I think your situation sounds really unfair, why are the weekends his time off, what about yours? Being a SAHM is full time work so when he gets home, everything should be split.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 15:30:01

Was having a child a mutual decision? - probably a subject for another discussion but I often wonder, when reading some of the threads on Mumsnet, if some of these fathers really, really wanted children? I was in the position where it was very much my DH's wish to have a child, I was very happy to remain 'child-free' and my DH is a real 'hand's on' sort of Dad. But I do wonder if sometimes men go along with the whole 'having children' thing without really thinking it all through (and no doubt some women do too).

PeriodMath Thu 18-Jul-13 15:07:06

Cleaning aside, your DH is absolutely not pulling his weight. If he tells you weekends are his time off from his job, ask him when your time off from your job is.

And he works 9-5?? Easy street. Mine often gets home at 9/10pm but still gets up with DS in the morning.

Was having a child a mutual decision? So sad the way so many think giving up paid work to raise children suddenly means you are 24hr nanny, cook, cleaner and general dogsbody. Men and women sadly!

PeriodMath Thu 18-Jul-13 15:00:59

My advice would be to get a cleaner if you can possibly afford it. Mine costs me £30 a week. She's a godsend. I realise not everyone has cash to spare but if you can find it, it's the best use for it.

As someone else said, and as someone whose DH works long hours, I'd far rather he spent his weekends on childcare than housework.

AnotherStitchInTime Thu 18-Jul-13 14:44:00

Less than normal at the moment as he has been working 6 day weeks plus overtime in a physical job outside in this heat all day.

Still taking bins out (although I ask him), cooking one day on weekends, getting up with kids one of the weekend mornings to give me a lie in, clean kitchen and wash up one weekend day, cleans out guinea pigs, doing bath time (sometimes without me), sometimes does story time, sometimes puts younger one to sleep if she is acting up.

I do all the rest of the cleaning, cooking, nights, shopping, bill payment management, feeding guinea pigs.

ILoveDolly Thu 18-Jul-13 14:38:04

We had endless arguments over this, as with 3 kids I felt like I never stopped, never got the bottom of the laundry, completely unrewarded for giving up myself yada yadda yadda. I then decided to change the record. My dp never wasgreat at housework etc, and he works very long hours, so I have had to take it all on anyway or the kids would go unfed! I was fortunate enough to find a reasonably priced cleaner who comes and does the floor washing, bathrooms ie the jobs I never got around to and I spend any spare evening I can running a tiny business as a neccessary outlet for my previously frustrated creative drive. House is not more tidy, he still never has an ironed shirt, I still do most of the cooking, tidying up, decorating, childcare, baby feeding, night waking. But I am not murderous. If you want more support, if you want more help, if you need it you HAVE to try and alter the situation, sometimes a small change is enough.

Squitten Thu 18-Jul-13 14:29:51

It doesn't sound normal to me OP.

My DH runs his own business so works very long hours and we don't see much of him during the week. I'm a SAHM so do all the cooking, cleaning, stuff with the kids Mon-Fri. Weekends are a very different story. He WANTS to see his children and take them to the park, swimming or whatever. When our kids were little babies he would take them to the library rhyme group or whatever. He also cooks, sorts out the garden (I don't do insects!), does bits of DIY, etc.

We will both schedule in social stuff as we want to and his needs most certainly don't outrank mine just because he works!

JeffTracy Thu 18-Jul-13 14:20:37

That seems fine OP, although I wouldn't do the cat litter tray...

NightmareWalking Thu 18-Jul-13 14:15:53

I don't understand the men who need 'time off' at weekends when their DP/DW isn't allowed the same. Either looking after a baby is work - in which case the SAHP is entitled to time off. Or it isn't work - in which case the WOHP should pitch in on weekends!

FWIW, DD (PFB) is 10 months old. DH has stressful long hours (7.30 - 6pm), but works from home 2/3 days a week. I do all nights, daily tidying, and the 'big clean' (dusting, mopping and so on) in the week. DH does 50% bedtimes. He cooks the evening meal, cleans up afterwards, stacks the dishwasher and puts it on. (At weekends we share lunch/breakfast duties). I do nearly all the ironing (but don't iron other than DH work shirts so not much) I do washing - he might put wash on at the weekends. We share bed stripping/remaking at weekends. DH runs the hoover around and tidies on a Sunday. DH does all bins/recycling - cat litter - DIY - gardening. At weekends DH takes DD swimming (sometimes I go too if I'm not having a lie in), comes to the park with us or into town and so on. We share nappy duty on weekends! I think that's everything. That's how it's been from the start.

If you don't think it's right - then it isn't. Work out equal free time for you both and go from there.

Dackyduddles Thu 18-Jul-13 13:40:38

Op re 1314 post. Blimey that sounds familiar. Some weeks here better than others. It's fluid. I am mum though 24/7 where dad appears to be dad and (his name) so finds changing hats hard. I do wonder if stay at home dads get issues too with wives not giving up /allowing stuff to go out of their control. I'm unsure if gender or control issues....?

Helspopje Thu 18-Jul-13 13:32:31

home in time to wave clean pajama'd kids to bed
(and to attempt to console weeping, overcooked wife)

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 13:31:36

My suggestion would be to find some regular weekend activity that you go off and do. Even if it's just meeting a friend in town for coffee. Leave the baby with dad for a few hours and tell him to tidy up, start dinner or put some washing on while you're out. I've noticed some men use excuses like they 'don't know what to do' or 'she does it better than me' or 'the baby won't settle for me'. This knocks those neatly on the head. Any bleating about his weekend being interrupted then maybe he's just not the type that deserves a family

perfectstorm Thu 18-Jul-13 13:31:15

Should add that DS was tongue-tied, reflux/colic (the refluc meant he threw up whole feeds and needed constant changing - a dribble bib couldn't stem that tide, he'd be soaked to crotch and through nappy!) and by the time we established he'd never breastfeed he was refusing formula, so I had to express, as well as steriilise a ton of bottles. He was also a two hourly feeder until 4 months and then a 4 hourly till 9 months. After that he wouldn't sleep till 11 pm and woke up at 5 or so till 18 months, too.

I was on my knees even with half the weekends off. Without them, I honestly don't know how I would have coped. I know women do manage, but really, why should one with another parent in the home have to?

MaryKatharine Thu 18-Jul-13 13:27:21

When do you get time off then? Regardless of all the permutations suggested on here, you doing everything at the w/e as its his time off is ridiculous and not at all acceptable. I feel for you; you must be exhausted!

perfectstorm Thu 18-Jul-13 13:25:28

Yeah, I felt the same and became angry and demanded an equal time split at weekends. The thing is, he could have been fired if getting up at nights meant he was too tired to function properly. That was just how it was. But at the weekends, for him to lie in when I'd had no sleep all week either maddened me - he wasn't the one who was truly exhausted. When I broke down what I actually had to do with DS and made him spend a weekend with me watching as I did it he did actually agree to split the time. It made a big difference - just having the sleep those two days to recover for the week ahead. He never did more around the house than hoovering, laundry and dishwasher, but that's something I could deal with. The attitude that he had a right to lie in bed sleeping while I worked harder than he had in the week enraged me.

Honestly, I think the first year can be awful on a lot of marriages, and a lot of guys seem to engage more with the kids when they start walking/talking. I do think you need to sort it now, though. Or you'll start a system for life.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 13:22:46

Just read your post at 13.14 - it does sound as though your DH is not being at all supportive, does he not enjoy spending time with the baby? What happens if you want to go out on your own and leave the baby with him?

Thinking back to when my DS was born my DH just loved spending time with him, we are both early risers but even so DH would get DS up, take him out for a walk, play with him etc etc.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 13:20:00

I agree that you need to find a balance that suits You and your situation not worry about what everyone else does.

I have been a SAHM ever since I had my DS (& actually for various reasons I wasn't in paid employment for about a year before that) - I tend to do most of the housework - it takes me less than 30 mins a day; cooking takes another 30 or so minutes. I get plently of breaks away from my DS and always have done since he was born, DH loves having time to himself with DS.

I personally believe I have a much, much easier lifestyle than my DH - today I am lazing about it the garden most of the time smile. Even when my DS was a baby I still felt I had a really easy time however, I am not you, you need to decide what you feel is 'fair and equitable'.

My DH has never been the sort of person to leave dirty washing on the floor or 'expect' his shirts to be ironed etc. I expect I would think differently if he was that sort of man.

newmumsuchfun Thu 18-Jul-13 13:14:56

Week days I feel fine about our arrangement as he is working and i can understand he needs his sleep and works hard all day. FINE.

What i have a problem with is the weekends.. When he will continue to do nothing at all BECAUSE it is his time off. Even if he has 3 days off. Nothing. No house work. Nothing. Sleeps in very very late and sometimes naps late afternoon. And not much with the baby. I am up at 5 or 6am every day. I never ever get a day off.

perfectstorm Thu 18-Jul-13 13:13:33

What you describe was how things were weekdays. Weekends, my huband shared the childcare 50/50 and did a little housework as well. My rage was when he came home and did nothing because he said he was tired - this from a guy who did no nights with DS whatsoever that first year - our marriage was under serious strain.

These days, he leaves the house at 7 some days and isn't home till 11. It would be unreasonable to expect anything but sleep for him those days. When he has days off, he gets up with DS, plays with him, feeds him, loads dishwasher and washing machine. He does no other housework but the fact is, he is almost wholly in charge of DS those days so that doesn't bother me.

A guy who expects to work 35 hours a week while you work 175 is taking the godwaful and almighty piss. My husband works 60 some weeks and still does more than yours. And frankly, that first year, which I still resent, he did more.

I may add that I don't even know what days are bin days. My husband has done that since we were married. And for the father of a 5 month old to expect to have weekends off when you have been 24/5 in the week is totally disgusting, IMO. When exactly do you get a break? He at least has a lunch hour, as I pointed out to my husband when demanding a 5-/5- weekend split.

I will say though, that even now, when things are so much better, he still looks on my time with DS as available for me to sort all kinds of other things, because I'm not at work - while his time with DS is hard work and necessarily means he can't possibly do anything else. I think that's common with the women I know's partners after babies arrive. Gender roles sharply emerge in even previously egalitarian relationships.

BabyStone Thu 18-Jul-13 13:03:44

Sorry x post, every couple is different. And I agree with some aspects of what Cogito has said. What other people do isn't really important. And some people love doing all the work, others don't. If I feel DP isn't pulling his weight, I give him an ear full and don't care if I sound like a nagging old house wife!

BabyStone Thu 18-Jul-13 12:56:44

First time mum, DS is 4months so im on mat leave and DP works full time and it's shift work so no real routine/pattern but I do all the house work now, prepare and make dinner unless iv already started feeding baby then DP will cook dinner

He pays the rent and all the bills, I give him money each month to go towards rent/bills and we go shopping together and normally go halves on food shopping (DP will pay a bit extra if he's bought anything extra such as clothes or a blu ray) He pays for most things when we go out.

I get up in the night and first thing in the morning with DS, once DP is up he will hold/entertain/feed/change DS til he has to get ready and leave for work.When he gets home from work, he will feed/change/play/help get him off to sleep

He normally has DS in the bath with him and I will go and take him out after a while to get him dressed and DP can wash or vice versa

Either one of us will sort out the bins (normally forget)

He is very hands on and often says "you see him all day, im home now so i want to enjoy him whilst i can". But then there are times when he is stressed from work, tired etc so then I do most things

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 12:47:00

What other people do is fairly unimportant. What is important is what you think is fair. Some people are quite happy doing everything around the house... you are clearly not one of those people and you sound like you feel he's taking the piss and that you're being taken for granted. So decide how you want your household to run and, if his current attitude is hacking you off, take steps to nip it in the bud.

WipsGlitter Thu 18-Jul-13 12:39:20

No that is not normal. But from threads on here a lot if men seem to think being at home absolves them of all responsibility.

My advice. At the weekend just go out and leave the baby with him. Tell him to do the bins - don't do it yourself. Think what you want him to do and get him to do it. If you're going back to work after mat leave you don't want things to have gone so far that you're still doing it all.

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