Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Can't voice my opinion/concerns without him taking the piss & disrespecting me(96 Posts)
I've always been very, very careful with money. I like to live by a budget, save up for nice things and have a safety net in the bank. Since living with DP (and it's only been a few months) we seem to constantly live in an overdraft.
A few times I've calmly said to him that I feel we should make more of an effort to budget properly. He dismisses this and says we don't buy luxuries as it is but we do! £20-£30 every weekend on cinema and days outs, we do "a shop" around twice a week and spend over £70 each time when we originally budgeted for £50 a week on groceries. He's constantly buying stuff off ebay - he just seems to spend without really worrying about where it comes from. But anyway he agreed we'd make more of an effort.
So last week I notice that the bank is £-150. A few days later it's £-200 and then at the start of this week it's £-300. I voice my concerns and he says stuff like "tell you what, lets not eat for a month" with a smirk on his face. Yesterday the bank was sat at £-500 and I tell DP I'm becoming very concerned about the increasing over draft. He tells me we can't cut back anymore than we do and I'm being unrealistic. Today the account was at £-630.
So later in the day he's making sarcastic comments such as "hang on, let me consult my financial advisor about this purchase" or "I was going to buy a drink earlier but didn't want to cause a financial collapse so went without." He makes out he's just playing around but I feel he's totally disregarding my concerns. We're not on bad money, he earns over £30k a year and I earn over £20k a year - when we wrote out a budget we worked out we'd have almost £200 spare a week after groceries etc yet we seem to just dig deeper and deeper into the overdraft. I don't understand.
Tonight I just wanted to talk to him about it and express my concerns, see if we can work out where we're going wrong and see if we can come up with a solution. He sat there giggling and smirking at me whilst I was talking and then said stuff like "ooo welcome to the adult world of relationships and mortgages and cars and bills - " err I'm 32, I've lived with "adult finances" since I was 17. He even said "if this isn't the kind of life you want, you should just say" - in other words, fuck off if you're not happy? So sensing that he was not taking me seriously I started to tell him about WHY I was so anal about money and budgeting. The conversation went like this:
"I just want to explain to you why it means so much to me, I had a bad experience when I was younger and ... "
he butted in with "look you're just over talking it, no point in going on about it."
FFS i was about to tell him something important about my past! how fucking rude. I told him he was out of order to cut me off like that so he said "ok ok, tell me what happened back when you were a child." in a mocking voice. (what happened was my ex and I got into a shit load of debt, all of it in my name and then he fucked off and it took me years to pay it back. I worked my arse off to do it but I did it and always swore I'd never get into debt again - but he never got to hear this story).
I've never been in debt since and I'm struggling with it and finding that I have no voice because if I bring it up I get laughed at or accussed of being a nazi with money. He's not interested in WHY I'm so concerned.
Another thing is that I went for a job interview last week. It was a horrible day, my beloved guinea pig died and I found him just before I had to set off for my interview. Made a twat of myself in the interview but somehow - I got the job. DP does not seem interested at all, hasn't really congratulated me (well he has but vaguely) and when a mutual friend told him to take me out to celebrate he said "yeah I will" - we were supposed to be going out tomorrow night and he's already trying to get out of it. We won't end up going unless I really push for it but why bother? if he doesn't want to celebrate why push it? where is the fun in forcing someone to celebrate with you?
Well, reading the OP, it's about far more than money. She may earn the money back but it will take her longer to regain her self respect.
I would NEVER stay in a relationship with someone so diametrically opposed to my values about money, especially a disrespectful spendthrift.
He doesn't want to compromise and sounds immature.
I would end this. Lucky escape.
So from reading one post you have decided she has tried to sort this out and now should leave, ok, your opinion, I disagree.
I'd bet money the OP would rather resolve this than pack a bag that she's only just unpacked.
She hasn't given him an ultimatum, she needs to.
OP - if you do come back to this thread, can I just say, everyone else has said much better why this is a bad bad sign, but if you do end this relationship (or at least, accept this isn't a man you can share finances with, you might be better as a couple if you just date and keep separate homes and finances), don't beat yourself up over it.
At least you've realised this is a problem at less than £1k debt, at only a couple of months.
To be honest, the money isn't really the bit that would have me dumping him though, it's the lack of caring and respect for you. The being a fuckwit with money just means you need to do it sooner rather than later. Having no voice in a relationship is crap, you were better off on your own.
The OP (where is she by the way?) gave us a lot of detail about how he spent money, how he was unsupportive regarding her new job and has been generally very dismissive and sarcastic in her very reasonable requests to discuss how to approach their joint finances.
Regardless of the disagreement on how to handle their finance, if anyone spoke to me in that sort of way I would be packing my bags.
The OP has already been in a financially abusive relationship, & managed to repay all the debts, the last thing she needs is another one.
he's fleecing you now and it won't get better, his debt will suddenly become your joint debt. Be wary even with seperate finances, as emotional blackmail will be employed and suddenly its your shared debt again. He will try and make you feel petty, childish and a misery party pooper for not wanting to spend like a loon. If he cannot even pretend to be nice in the early, unsure stages of a relationship listen to what he is telling you, he's going to be a complete shit when he feels 'settled'.
I speak from bitter expereince.
Hmm, so you ask your partner to support you and instead he mocks and undermines you...
Why is that so difficult to predict your future, let go and move on?
It's very easy to say pack your bags, go where exactly and what if you love that person?
I have a friend whose OH was in loads of debt, she told him she couldn't live like that, she gave him an ultimatum, it took him 3 years to pay it off but he did it so people can change, she did him a favour as he's now really careful with his money.
The OP has talked several times calmly about their situation, what I am saying is, forget the calm talking, it's ultimatum time, at least give him that before getting the bag out again.
He probably has debt already that you are unaware of.
Life is too short for this. LTB or kick him out asap and consider it a lucky escape.
My DH was in a terrible financial state when we got together and I wasn't much better with a £25k loan to clear. But over the 3 years before we got married I cleared all my debt and helped him clear his too. We worked on fixing our credit scores and got our finances on track to be able to buy a house.
Now I control ALL the money. We have a joint account and our own accounts aswell that a small amount of money is put into each month for us to spend as we want to, no questions asked. The Xmas Savings and overall Savings plus our DD's trust fund are all managed by me.
So all that can be fixed.
Your 'D'P's attitude can't. That's the most important thing that needs fixing...
Please listen to this:
"It doesn't matter why you're worried about money tbh, you shouldn't need to justify yourself to him. It's a completely normal and reasonable (adult) attitude to want to live within your means and his belittling approach is fairly worrying."
In my marriage, I am the one who tends to be, erm, not so good with money.
I can tell you that since meeting my husband and combining our finances, he has inspired me to be better, to be more adult in my approach and to try and stick to agreed budgets. This is normal. My DH is not a control freak - he behaved and behaves like an ADULT with responsibilities and his approach is what most people use to achieve joint financial goals and avoid financial ruin.
As someone who could easily turn into a complete spendthrift, I am just telling you this because your partner's attitude is NOT normal, its extremely childish and immature.
It's not Nazi-like to try and live within your means - it is what every adult should aspire to do.
Please don't get confused (you sound a bit confused, maybe because his disrespectful attitude is throwing you off?) - I can categorically tell you that your partner is being a twunt and that is before we even talk about your celebration ....
DO NOT continue to be linked to someone with this sort of attitude about money - it will destroy everything you have worked so hard to build / re-build.
This is deal breaker behaviour - you should not put up with it.
I am speaking as someone who needed to "grow up" financially. Get rid.
He doesn't love you. he doesn't even like you. And that's not because you are unloveable, or unlikeable. It's because he's a world class, ocean-going tosser. Please leave him. I know that's a horrid thought when you've just moved in together, and you will feel a fool, but don't throw good time after bad, never mind the money.
What a horrible man. Even putting the financial issues to one side, his dismissal of you and what you were going to tell him is awful.
If your best friend had written your post, what would you be telling her?
What a nasty man-child. I am worried above all by the way he seems to be intent on breaking your self-esteem. Please move on.
Reading with interest. Lots of people saying get rid. How do you do this though?
He sounds cruel. Maybe he thinks that he is not in control if you take charge of finances.
Jeez my dh can be a bit like this when the bank is in overdraft, but no way would he allow it to creep up to £-650. He will sink into debt fast and bring you the sleepless nights along with it. He has to stop being a dick and listen to you or i would seriously consider leaving as you don't have a future if he cannot curb his spending habits!
Dh was once in debt by £5000, he started out like your dp and thats the figure it ended up at. Overdrafts first, credit cards next then Littlewoods until one day i told him to sort his problem out or i would be packing his bags. He was made redundant so he used that money to pay it off, and since then we keep a tight rain on all spending. He does deviate now and then but we are talking small fry compared to then, he is not allowed credit cards or things on credit and he knows if he does he will be out the door as he caused me so many sleepless nights and worry i wouldn't be able to deal with it all again.
How do you get rid? Easy.
Do explain to me how falling further and further behind with your overdraft = being in control?
Brilliant, I think of that song every time anyone asks how do they leave! So glad you had the nous to link it.
And it is so true. Just go. Really. Walk out. Let the shit fall where it will. But go.
You have two choices.
Put up with his spendthrift ways and his casual dismissal of your worries and feelings.
Or Leave the Bastard.
Join the discussion
Please login first.