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Can't voice my opinion/concerns without him taking the piss & disrespecting me

(96 Posts)
ArthursWhiteHair Wed 17-Jul-13 23:40:14

I've always been very, very careful with money. I like to live by a budget, save up for nice things and have a safety net in the bank. Since living with DP (and it's only been a few months) we seem to constantly live in an overdraft.

A few times I've calmly said to him that I feel we should make more of an effort to budget properly. He dismisses this and says we don't buy luxuries as it is but we do! £20-£30 every weekend on cinema and days outs, we do "a shop" around twice a week and spend over £70 each time when we originally budgeted for £50 a week on groceries. He's constantly buying stuff off ebay - he just seems to spend without really worrying about where it comes from. But anyway he agreed we'd make more of an effort.

So last week I notice that the bank is £-150. A few days later it's £-200 and then at the start of this week it's £-300. I voice my concerns and he says stuff like "tell you what, lets not eat for a month" with a smirk on his face. Yesterday the bank was sat at £-500 and I tell DP I'm becoming very concerned about the increasing over draft. He tells me we can't cut back anymore than we do and I'm being unrealistic. Today the account was at £-630.

So later in the day he's making sarcastic comments such as "hang on, let me consult my financial advisor about this purchase" or "I was going to buy a drink earlier but didn't want to cause a financial collapse so went without." He makes out he's just playing around but I feel he's totally disregarding my concerns. We're not on bad money, he earns over £30k a year and I earn over £20k a year - when we wrote out a budget we worked out we'd have almost £200 spare a week after groceries etc yet we seem to just dig deeper and deeper into the overdraft. I don't understand.

Tonight I just wanted to talk to him about it and express my concerns, see if we can work out where we're going wrong and see if we can come up with a solution. He sat there giggling and smirking at me whilst I was talking and then said stuff like "ooo welcome to the adult world of relationships and mortgages and cars and bills - " err I'm 32, I've lived with "adult finances" since I was 17. He even said "if this isn't the kind of life you want, you should just say" - in other words, fuck off if you're not happy? So sensing that he was not taking me seriously I started to tell him about WHY I was so anal about money and budgeting. The conversation went like this:

"I just want to explain to you why it means so much to me, I had a bad experience when I was younger and ... "

he butted in with "look you're just over talking it, no point in going on about it."

FFS i was about to tell him something important about my past! how fucking rude. I told him he was out of order to cut me off like that so he said "ok ok, tell me what happened back when you were a child." in a mocking voice. (what happened was my ex and I got into a shit load of debt, all of it in my name and then he fucked off and it took me years to pay it back. I worked my arse off to do it but I did it and always swore I'd never get into debt again - but he never got to hear this story).

I've never been in debt since and I'm struggling with it and finding that I have no voice because if I bring it up I get laughed at or accussed of being a nazi with money. He's not interested in WHY I'm so concerned.

Another thing is that I went for a job interview last week. It was a horrible day, my beloved guinea pig died and I found him just before I had to set off for my interview. Made a twat of myself in the interview but somehow - I got the job. DP does not seem interested at all, hasn't really congratulated me (well he has but vaguely) and when a mutual friend told him to take me out to celebrate he said "yeah I will" - we were supposed to be going out tomorrow night and he's already trying to get out of it. We won't end up going unless I really push for it but why bother? if he doesn't want to celebrate why push it? where is the fun in forcing someone to celebrate with you?

CoalDustWoman Wed 17-Jul-13 23:46:58

He doesn't sound very kind. And he sounds very shit with money.

It doesn't sound like a very promising start to you living together. Can you separate finances? I would do that PDQ.

Yes, and LTB, but you knew at least one person would say that grin.

vintagecakeisstillnice Wed 17-Jul-13 23:48:56

Run away now. .
Run fast.

ArthursWhiteHair Wed 17-Jul-13 23:50:07

Another thing is we're supposed to be saving for a holiday - a holiday he says he desperately wants yet never wants to discuss. Probably because he knows we'll never afford it with the way things are.

CoalDustWoman Wed 17-Jul-13 23:51:53

And his good points? Is it just his golden cock?

p.s. he's going to do the same as your ex.

bigkidsdidit Wed 17-Jul-13 23:52:34

He doesn't sound like he's very nice to you. Is he?

DontWorryBaby Wed 17-Jul-13 23:53:15

Is it worth writing a list of the things you're unhappy with (as there seems to be quite a few different issues here) then look at the list and decide which issues are deal breakers and whether you want to go on with the relationship?

Money is probably the most common cause of arguments in couples, but he's not even showing you the respect of listening to you and taking you seriously.

FayeKorgasm Wed 17-Jul-13 23:56:25

How do you think things will be with this man in 5 years time? Do you think he is going to suddenly change and treat you with respect and behave like a decent human. Or will he be a knob who is 5 years older?

If it is the later - which I think is the most likely scenario - I would leave without a backwards glance.

sanityawol Wed 17-Jul-13 23:56:40

Please seriously consider whether you can live like this OP - if it is like this after just a few months of living together, it does not bode well for the future.

My ex did to me what your ex did to you... I have three more loan payments and I'm finally free of the debt that he left me with. I too am very wary of ever going back to that place.

If you have already gone through savings and are eating into your overdraft then at least one of you is living beyond your means and you are setting yourself to end up back in serious debt.

He also doesn't seem to be interested in anything that you say, and doesn't want to go out to celebrate when it is 'your' event.

At the very least, make sure that any account with an overdraft facility is in his name only. Remember that if you have bank accounts in joint names then he will also be affecting your credit record. Avoid credit cards with this man at all costs.

I spend far too much time lurking on MN, and the thing that struck me about your post is that you don't mention one single redeeming future that your DP has. What do you get from this relationship? How does being with him improve your life or make you happy?

tallwivglasses Thu 18-Jul-13 00:09:15

Oh, good god alive, dump him and get a new guinea pig (sorry for your loss).

You've got a new job and this man is nothing but an albatross hanging around your neck. Get rid of the sarcastic bastard. His sense of humour is shit.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Thu 18-Jul-13 00:13:34

Separate your finances immediately!!! Then consider your options.

tallwivglasses Thu 18-Jul-13 00:16:47

Great name, FiftyShades.

TalkativeJim Thu 18-Jul-13 00:22:17

leave him leave him leave him leave him

he's nasty, is already subtly bullying you, and I really don't like his attitude to finances either.

Walk away before you have a re-run of the ex.

Erato Thu 18-Jul-13 00:24:21

It doesn't matter why you're worried about money tbh, you shouldn't need to justify yourself to him. It's a completely normal and reasonable (adult) attitude to want to live within your means and his belittling approach is fairly worrying.

I'd separate your finances from his as soon as possible - no more joint account if he can't be responsible. And don't fall into the trap of nagging him- you're not his mother so tell him what you expect (sensible budgeting, no debt) and ask him if he can do it or not. If not, then it sounds like a deal breaker for you?

suburbophobe Thu 18-Jul-13 00:29:04

What's to like about this guy?

I agree with the others. Get out now because it will just get worse. You know you don't want a rinse and repeat of your previous experience.

He sounds vile, treating you like that.

BettyCrockerLover Thu 18-Jul-13 00:42:50

The smirking bit is boiling my blood. I hate it when people smirk at me. How dare he belittle you like that? and the mocking voice when you are telling him serious things. Uff

What do you actually like about him? What are his good points? He sounds like a disrespectful manchild tbh.

BettyCrockerLover Thu 18-Jul-13 00:43:35

But good on you for being so smart with your cash. You don't need someone like this bringing you down!

Sneakymeezer Thu 18-Jul-13 00:48:14

Truthfully, the lack of respect and the money issue would be a deal breaker for me. Separate your finances ASAP, but give serious thought as to whether you want to be treated like this. This attitude will soon carry over to other issues in the relationship. I don't think he'll change so you need to decide whether you are happy to live like this and be treated that way. Best of luck!

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 00:48:47

He is the twin of the other guy.

You need to speak to the bank and do what you can to close that account asap. Wait until his wages go in so that it's in credit.

Run as fast as you can from this awful man.

lookingfoxy Thu 18-Jul-13 00:49:56

Separate your finances as of NOW.
If he wants to piss money up against a wall make sure its his money and any debt is in his name. Split the bills down the middle and I would go as far as buying my own food, I mean seriously £140 per week for 2 people!!
After that's sorted I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

Noregrets78 Thu 18-Jul-13 00:51:10

Ew yuck I lived like that for years. Got so that I didn't dare say anything even when we were broke as he'd imply I was stingy. If you're sharing finances it has to be a shared responsibility.

Ditto to what everyone has said.

kicker Thu 18-Jul-13 00:53:47

It won't get any better. Sever all financial ties with him at least. Check your credit score.
His behaviour sounds very similar to my soon to be xH. You cannot sustain a relationship with his belittling you. I bet he calls you stingy and thinks of himself as generous.

crossparsley Thu 18-Jul-13 01:01:12

so he said "ok ok, tell me what happened back when you were a child." in a mocking voice.

That was cruel - playground cruel. And it indicates that he has no real room in his head or heart for you. If he can't understand and apologise for that, he is not ever going to be your rock, however much you are obviously capable of being superb for him or (hopefully) someone else.

AnnieLobeseder Thu 18-Jul-13 01:03:19

Putting the financial issues aside for a minute, he sounds completely condescending, smug and very disrespectful. That alone is a huge red flag for me.

As others have said, separate your finances, if necessary have a joint account for household expenses that you contribute equally to, then manage the rest of your money yourself.

Then seriously consider how the way he treats you makes you feel, and remember that your life partner is supposed to make you feel special, appreciated and supported.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 01:03:54

There's no point in just splitting the money, though that's vital at the moment. This is a man with no respect or love for the OP. He belittles her when she tries to explain herself. He thinks he can spend her money - of course he must be feeling rich now that his money is "shared" with her.

OP, you need to get rid.

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