Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So happy, but think other people will say I'm crazy

(83 Posts)
MrsSpencerReed Wed 17-Jul-13 22:09:29

So... i'm a single mum to DS (3.4), and a full time uni student. Been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and on Saturday he proposed to me. I know he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, and the man I want to raise my son. So I said yes.

Should I care that other people are saying that it is WAY too soon, or should I listen to them. It's not like we're planning on getting married anytime soon (i've got 3 years until i graduate). So it's not like we are really rushing into it.


Doha Wed 17-Jul-13 22:13:25

I met my DH and knew he was the one within weeks of meeting. We both agreed we would get married in the future.
So l dont feel you are daft to say yes but please just give yourself a bit of time to get to know him-warts and all- before rushing in to get married.


EBearhug Wed 17-Jul-13 22:14:39

Are you waiting till you graduate before marrying? Can't see the problem then.

JaceyBee Wed 17-Jul-13 22:15:13

Well, my humble opinion's a little fast! Plus, quick engagement/commitment is often a red flag for controlling and abusive relationships.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Wed 17-Jul-13 22:17:28

None of us on the Internet can know if its a goer. Nor can you really after 4 months.

HairyGrotter Wed 17-Jul-13 22:20:36

When you know, you know grin

I've been with DP for 5 months and we're both keen to marry! He's saving for a ring and we've got venue ideas!

Congratulations grin

bigstrongmama Wed 17-Jul-13 22:20:37

Just an opinion: agreeing to get married to someone is a massive commitment, even if you are not planning on doing it soon...

I think it puts pressure on you to make the relationship work. Because breaking off an engagement seems a bigger deal than breaking up with a boyfriend.

I don't think it matters what other people think, what you think matters. You said yes, but would you have proposed to him if he hadn't? Are you sure you want to be engaged?

shrinkingnora Wed 17-Jul-13 22:34:26

We got engaged after four weeks, married two years later and have now been married for twelve years.

Hotcustard Wed 17-Jul-13 22:50:28

I have never really seen the point of long engagements, IMO it's more sensible to wait until you're in a position to marry and then spend a year or so planning the wedding. I personally would not have introduced my dd to a boyfriend so soon, but I know I was seen as overly cautious in waiting a year. Having said that, I know of relationships which have worked out after a bit of a whirlwind romance, though no children were involved in that case. It's very easy to feel 'sure' of a relationship in the early stages though - if I'd got engaged to every man I felt 'sure' about then I'd have gone through a lot of engagements/marriages by now!

Honestly? Every relationship I have ever had has been perfect for 4-6 months. Its very easy to get caught up in the romance of it all and think that this is the 'one'. In fact I did it with my husband of 13 years as well, luckily it turned out well with him (although I had no kids at the time).

However I think its too soon to have brought him into your sons life, unless you knew him well beforehand, but even if you did its too soon to be letting him have any influence over your son and saying you want him to raise him. Your son is probably still adjusting to your relationship without stepping it up another gear.

MadeMan Wed 17-Jul-13 23:24:30

Only you can know if it feels the right thing to do OP, although you could ask yourself is it just because you are still swept up in your emotions of being in a fairly new relationship.

As you point out, there's no rush to getting married, some people can be engaged for years before they tie the knot. Having said that, engagement is a bigger step than marriage in many ways because it is the first step to fully committing to someone; marriage is just the expected follow up of that initial commitment.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 23:30:46

Well I think it's too much too soon. Sorry.

I agree with what bigstrongmama - it puts pressure on to make it work against all odds from the very beginning.

Plus yes - fast commitment IS a recognised sign of a possible unhealthy dynamic.

I would never agree to marry someone after four months. No matter who, or what. And about that, I am absolutely certain.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 23:37:12

Apologies...but I must can four months be enough time (even if you have been together 24/7) to feel confident enough in him, to hand over the privilege of raising your child?

I can't help but think of a friend of mine who did this. What an utter wanker he turned out to be.

Bogeyface Wed 17-Jul-13 23:37:20

A fast proposal is no indication of abuse. A fast proposal followed by a fast marriage etc could be so no, I dont think that there is a problem here. My BIL propsed to my sister on their third date, theirs was a LDR and they got married 4 years later. They are still together 14 years of marriage later and in that time I did the traditional thing of 2 years dating, 1 year engaged, got married, divorced and remarried! They are still happier than I have ever been, and no abuse at all from either person.

Sometimes you just know that you have found the right person and want to commit to them. If you are not marrying for another three years then there is no red flag there. If he started pushing for an earlier marriage then I would ask "why?" but as he isnt, enjoy your engagement.

Congratulations smile

Oldandcobwebby Wed 17-Jul-13 23:45:38

I proposed to Mrs Oldandcobwebby on the phone before we had even met. I had been given her number (told she was both very nice and also lacking a boyfriend). We hit it off so well, it was almost unreal. I would have trotted up the aisle the next day, given the chance! Nothing is too early. If you are certain he is "the one", just go for it. Good luck to you!

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 23:47:46

You see...that just blows my mind.

waltermittymissus Wed 17-Jul-13 23:51:56

Too soon for your ds IMO.

bigkidsdidit Wed 17-Jul-13 23:57:19

DH and I got engaged after 5 months, married a year after that. Four years and two DC later we are still very happy.

Our parents and friends were a bit anxious but once everyone met both of us and could see we were lovely grin they were happy. There was no putting is off, really.

However we disnt have any past history of abuse / running into relationships fast / misjudging things. Do you? Could you be ignoring red flags, is it somethjg you've done before?

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 00:00:18

I can't help but view this as a giddy gesture at best.
By the sounds of it, there will be no wedding until after graduation, three years away.
Why the rush to commit? You have all the time in the world, just being cool and stuff...hanging out, having fun. Getting to know each other properly. Four months is nothing in this grand scheme.

So a giddy gesture - well, why not?
Because there's a kid amongst all this giddiness, and he deserves his future parent vetted before his mum says yes...and four months simply isn't long enough. It's all very best behaviour at four months in.

For those who did this and have it totally work out...I am very pleased to hear it, but you were lucky.

More often than not, it's a rash decision that people regret. Imho.

thenightsky Thu 18-Jul-13 00:00:55

Same sort of timescales for me OP. Been married 30+ years now.

BerkshireMum Thu 18-Jul-13 00:06:23

We talked about marriage after 3 months, got engaged after 5 months and married a year after we got engaged. That was 14 years ago. Best decision he I ever made.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 00:08:28

Did any of you who agreed to marriage within the first six months, already have children?

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 00:10:58

Please, please don't let him move in with you and your son until you've known him a hell of a lot longer than this.

newlifeforme Thu 18-Jul-13 00:12:43

I think its too soon to commit to a life with this man when you have a child.I do wonder if others who posted about world wind relationships had children to consider.Even if you are not planning on marrying for a while you are making a commitment that will involve your child.

In my experience it takes 2 years to know someone.My dsd's mum has had many serious partners/marriages all of which were introduced too soon and as a result my DSD has suffered and now as a teen she is undergoing counselling as she struggles to develop healthy relationships.

SinisterSal Thu 18-Jul-13 00:16:31

Too early to formalise things when a child is involved. You can't know somebody that well in this timescale - it's ll on best behaviour now. YOu need to see somebody at their worst before you can decide

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now