I am not sure what I am looking for with this post. I suspect it is for others to look and tell me what they think. I am also unsure if I can offer a fair representation of myself or DM as so much has happened that I will need to be selective in what I write or it will be a bloody book. It will be massively long even just with the snippets
I am married with one child I am close to my parents and they help out a lot.. I am in my mid forties. When I was a child DM was loving towards me but as I reached around 14 I felt completely smothered. Felt I couldn?t even have a thought of my own. She was almost obsessive in her love for me and was overwhelmingly affectionate. When I left home she completely changed. Would not touch me or be touched by me. Will actually flinch if I put my arm round her etc. She had a pretty rough time as a child but will not really talk about it and says she is the way she is and best to let sleeping dogs lie. I totally respect that.
My DD is 10. DM is obsessive about her. Some examples are when she was small I called her ?my baby? in conversation with DM. She said ?no she is my baby?. I laughed but the look she gave me made it clear she wasn?t joking. She has told my daughter she loves her more than she loves me. This upset my daughter to the point that she asked me if she was to have children would I still love her. She has also told my daughter that she loves her more than I do.
If I ask her not to do something with DD she will ignore. Gives sweets regularly when asked not to is an example. When it emerges that it has happened she will laugh or deny or huff.
She will undermine me when I dealing with behaviour issues with DD. Make excuses for her, talk over me to DD etc.
I have tried to talk about it to her but she either says I am attacking her or if I try to tackle it more generally she will agree but carry on as normal.
She sometimes calls me accusing me of doing something she considers bad parenting. She will be accusatory, tell me how upset she is, that DD has told her x,y,z and that I must not tell her she has told me. This will ring alarm bells for me and Obv. I speak to DD and she is shocked and hasn?t said anything like it. I know my DD is telling truth as she wants to confront my DM to ask why she is telling lies. I don?t let her because I know it will become an unmitigated disaster. If I try to confront the issue afterwards tactfully, I am told that I am being defensive/that I am the one who over reacted etc.
We are given help from them financially, even when unnecessary, and there is no way to not take it without a massive argument. Even trying to pay for a meal out becomes about sneaking payment to the waitress to the point it is competitive. If we are going out we often consider not asking them along as we know they will pay and we don?t want them feeling we have invited them for that reason.
There are times when it is a godsend as things are tough for us just now so I really don?t want to sound like I am ungrateful. But they give us so much that myself and DH feel we cannot challenge anything as we are beholden to them for their help. (God I sound like a spoiled bitch there)
They help out a lot practically too but often I feel judged. Will always come to house and then will start unloading dishwasher, wiping surfaces etc. This would be lovely but makes me feel like it is done to highlight that it should already have been done IYSWIM. My house is clean and pretty tidy too and I feel there is an element of looking for something that hasn?t been done, There are also lots of comments about why I haven?t done XYZ for my DH. DH wouldn?t dream of have me iron his shirts etc and we share household chores. I am SAHM now but have worked FT until last year.
I really love DM. And one to one she can be so lovely and funny. I don?t want to cause a rift in my family. DH family live other end of country and my side of family is small. My DH is treated like royalty by both my parents and he never really sees this side I describe but does see them being generous (which they are) and giving/buying DD too much. Anything that she evens says she likes in passing. I walk round on eggshells in case something I say is taken the wrong way or is a perceived slight. He sees it as spoiling.
If you have read this far thank you. Please ask anything you like as I don?t even know if what I have put here are the relevant bits. And be as blunt as you like too about me if you feel I need it.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
What do you think of this re DM? So sorry about massive length
AlexMcLitty · 17/07/2013 10:50
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