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Relationships

Is my partner playing away?

69 replies

Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 09:44

Ok so here goes. I have been with my partner for 3 years in September and I have a horrible feeling he is cheating on me. I don't know if I am just being silly but he is being very sneaky. He had a text at bedtime last night but didn't read it. This morning when he went to make tea I had a look and there was no message on his phone, I think he read and deleted it while I was in shower. When he came up I casually asked who had text him and he said one of his mates from football. Well why delete that message, plus he has as smart phone where the messages continue in conversation form and there were other messages form this guy further down in his message list (hope that makes sense) so why lie about it? I didn't say anything.

A bit of history. He was with his ex for 16 years, they have kids together but he was never faithful. Said they just bumbled along and it was never meant to be a long term serious thing but then the kids arrived. He had an affair with someone he worked with (for about a year I think) and lots of 'others' during their relationship. He did tell me all of this after we had been dating for a couple of months and stupidly (maybe) I decided that he had been honest enough to tell me about it so I would give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to see him. After almost a year and 3 months I moved into his and rent out my house. Since moving in over a year and a half ago he doesn't seem interested in sex with me. He keeps coming up with different excuses and its pretty much always me that instigates it. Also last year after our holiday I found messages on his phone to the woman he had been cheating on his ex with and he told her he loved her and missed her. When I confronted him about this he said he didn't' mean it like that and that it was in a friendship way as they had been really good friends before the affair had started. I also found messages on his facebook to a woman he had been to college with but now lives about 3 hours away. She was saying how she missed him and wishes she was in his bed. He hadn't said anything like that back to her though but I know that when they were younger they had a 'thing'.

The problem now is that I am 20 weeks pregnant with twins (planned pregnancy) but as I get further into the pregnancy I just feel I'm can't trust him and I don't know what to do!

Please don't be mean, I am very emotional and yes I may have been stupid but in general day to day life he is very kind and caring normally. We have only had about 4 or 5 big rows since we have been together.

Really I am just looking for advice.

Sorry that was long winded and thank you for reading.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 09:56

If he's being secretive, unaffectionate & you've found 'miss and love' messages on his phone and facebook to various women already then I'm sorry but, if you don't feel you can trust him, you seem to have good reason. I'd confront him with this and point out that, given his history and recent behaviour, it's no good saying 'he didn't mean it like that'. He needs to make a much bigger effort to reassure you, demonstrate why he should be trusted & be fully honest & open with you.

FWIW please don't read too much into deleting messages in isolation. I clear mine off daily and have nothing to hide.

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 10:00

I now just think I was stupid to accept those excuses as that was last year and I stayed with him. He is affectionate in the fact that when we get in from work or whatever he always comes and gives me a hug and kiss and we cuddle on the sofa.

I understand this but why leave other messages from the same person and just delete one, seems odd.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 10:07

If it seems odd it's probably because it's odd. When you tackle people about being secrecy they usually try to excuse it by saying they didn't want you to get the 'wrong idea', or 'fly off the handle'. But you have to stand firm ... you're not overreacting, you are being put in a position where you can't trust him.

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 10:10

That's what I've been thinking.

I have this horrible feeling I will be a single mum to twins and don't know what to do.

I really love him and hope I'm wrong, but I won't hang about to be cheated on and treated like that.

I don't know what to say to him to not have a blazing row but to get my concerns across. When I confronted him about the messages he was calm as I had the proof so he couldn't deny it. But I have no proof just a feeling.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 10:23

You don't need proof. This isn't a law-court where evidence has to be brought before the jury to get picked over and pulled apart, it's a personal relationship. All you need to say is something like.... 'I don't feel I can trust you because the way you are behaving is secretive and deceitful and because of things that have happened in the past. If there is to be any future in this relationship, you have to commit to being much more honest and open. I'm not going to lower myself to checking up on you because I shouldn't have to. But no more secrecy, no more night-time texts or messages to old flames and, if you can't do that or if you don't want to do that, have the decency to say so rather than waste my time'

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 10:30

Good point.

Guess I just have to bite the bullet and ask the question. At times like this I really don't feel 31!

Thank you for your advice.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 10:40

" Said they just bumbled along and it was never meant to be a long term serious thing but then the kids arrived"

If your fear is a repeat performance, it's understandable. I hope he shapes up, I really do, but it wouldn't hurt to mentally prepare yourself for parenting alone. If you hold it out as this big, scary prospect, it can cloud your judgement and keep you trapped.

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 10:58

I guess that is my fear, but I am prepared to go it alone as a parent. I have a great family and friend support group so know I would have back up that way. Not the same but I would manage. He is a great dad to the children he has already so that's not an issue either, I just want don't want to be cheated on (who does though) and will not stand for it. When he first told me about his past I thought about it and then said I would give him the benefit of the doubt as he was honest but if I ever found out he had physically cheated on me I would walk - children or no children. However, does he now feel he got away with the messages so I don't really mean what I said? I do and I would. I was married for a while, my ex hit me, once, I ended it. I am not a doormat and will never accept being treated like that.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 11:13

"However, does he now feel he got away with the messages so I don't really mean what I said?"

Probably. People talk about 'boundaries' and, if you've got someone who has no concept of self-restraint is the first place and if the boundaries aren't clear, they'll keep pushing the behaviour a little further until someone tells them it's unacceptable. I'm not saying you're a doormat but 'benefit of the doubt' can so easily become 'I got away with it'

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Jan45 · 17/07/2013 12:12

So he was a serial cheat and it sounds like he still is, sorry, but all the signs are there and I would definitely think he's up to no good and it sounds like it's not just with one woman - sorry but he sounds like a guy who will never grow up and will always play the field and see what else is out there. Affairs take time and energy, time and energy he wasn't giving to his wife and kids.

If I was you, I would honestly be thinking about you and the twins and how you are going to live without him.

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 12:21

They weren't married (not that that makes a difference)

It's weird as he is very grown up and level headed. He thinks things through re house and money etc. I'm now thinking he likes the forbidden fruit so to speak. God this is doing my head in! I just want it to be home time so I can talk to him about it all.

If it came to it I would give my tenants notice and move back into my house, that's not an issue. although my mortgage payments are low (atm) it the rest of the finances I'd be worried about. But I've been skint and worried about loosing the house after splitting with exH but managed and know I can again, I'm very independent. My mum told me after all that happened and I had cleared arrears and things (that ex left me with) that she was very proud of me for working hard and not giving in, so I know I am capable.

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 12:26

Not sure if this makes a difference really but I have always had a higher sex drive than him and being pg has just made it higher rather than me not being interested. The fact I got blown off last night hasn't helped how I feel about all this today, along with the missing text message form last night.

Could it be he is just bored of our sex life and I need to find a way of spicing it up? Am I grasping at straws and will not know the real answer until talking to him.

Sorry to go I just need to vent/rant about it.

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missbopeep · 17/07/2013 12:32

Your post describing him seems to be a never-ending string of infidelity and a total lack of responsibility on his behalf for his behaviour.

I don't think he is bored with your sex life and it's certainly NOT your responsibility to spice it up- but he does seem to be a man who gets bored with relationships full stop and moves on to someone or something else rather quickly.

Sorry but I think your gut instincts are right. Some straight talking is needed or some planning for your financial future alone is what you need to consider. I think you are being taken for a mug. Sorry :(

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Jan45 · 17/07/2013 12:33

I am really sorry but it sounds like he's been cheating on you exactly in the same way as the ex and is continuing to do so - he last relationship was never meant to be serious but he happily go her pregnant more than once, how responsible.

After going out a year and a half he now doesn't want sex with you but again is happy to impregnate you.

How can you be bored with a sex life of 3 years - not in my book.

It really sounds to me that he'll now bumble along with you until you actually find the backbone to kick him into touch.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/07/2013 12:35

He had children before with someone he was partnered with for 16 years but described that as "bumbling along"? I suppose if he were consistently unfaithful that best described it. The thrill of the chase, the infidelity, but as long as he always comes back, hey that's how he is. I don't think you are fooled and he isn't likely to confess to anything much less reform.

Now you have twins on the way and a leopard not changing his spots. Better late to find out how he is and act now than ignore this and never react. You took no crap from exH so I think you can draw on that same self preservation and eliminate a different waste product now.

OP line up real life support and beg borrow and save money and maximise your babies' stability by shoring up dependable support and not letting him muck you about.

Just read your last post. KLAXON you could be kept busy trying to keep him from straying but it isn't what you lack or give too much of that is at the core of this!

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 12:42

The kids with his ex weren't planned - not an excuse, although yes I seem to be making them for him! But he was honest about all of that happened with her.

I thought we were on the same wave length and we discussed trying for a child (am feeling very blessed to be having twins Smile)

I do agree about how can you be bored with a sex life after 3 years - we should still be ripping each others clothes off surely? I understand its hard the weeks we have his boys (we have them week on week off) but still there are ways around that, they go to bed at 8 so are well asleep before we go to bed.

I have a massive fear you are also right about me being mugged off!

I am well in the mood for this talk with him now but the work day is dragging!!!! Why is that always the way.

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 12:50

Should I say I know this friend didn't text him last night a I checked his phone? Or should I omit that part. I think he must know I go though his phone sometimes after find the messages last year.

God the more I think about it the more I fell a mug! What an idiot!

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missbopeep · 17/07/2013 13:11

So he has children that were not 'planned'. Lovely- did he miss the birth control lessons at school?
But that is beside the point. Research shows that the first flush of lust goes after 12 -18 months- this was in the media last week. But if he and you are not having much sex after 3 years what hope is there after 30 years????

How can he 'bumble along' with a woman for 16 years- do you actually believe this tripe he spouts?

Get rid. fast!

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 13:33

No he didn't miss sex ed classes, and not sticking up for him but I think it was more her way of trying to keep him. I think she probably trapped him to be honest and thought he would then stay with her. He is a great dad and finds it hard being away from the boys.

I know that sounds like I'm sticking up for him, but a lot of people stay in relationships for the wrong reasons.

I can see why you are saying 'tripe' but a lot happened through their relationship that they helped each other through so I think they both felt they owed the other to stay.

He is not a bad man, yes he was (might still be) a serial cheat but generally he is very caring and since being pg he is very attentive to me in other ways.

Basically it's the sex, or lack of it, and the secrecy that is the issue. I understand that from what I have written he may come across as a 'bad man' but honestly he isn't.

I have now confided in a friend about this as well and she is shocked at what I have said even though she knew about his past. She has said that if I am right then he has fooled everyone (with his ex it wasn't a secret about is infidelity, everyone knew it was going on) and she has said that we are a solid couple, but does think I should talk to him about my feelings and worries.

I can honestly see what everyone is saying - and I am having a talk with him tonight as they way things are just aren't working for me (basically I need more sex!) and that he has to be less secretive. If it turns out my fears are true and he is cheating on me then so be it and I will leave. I am a strong woman and can cope on my own, I know this, but at the same time I really love this man and we do have a good relationship otherwise.

I appreciate everyones views and opinions and advice - even if I have found some bits hard to read I posted here for a reason, to get a wide range of advice.

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Jan45 · 17/07/2013 14:42

Good luck, I know you say he is a nice man but nice men don't string women along for 16 years and have children with them and everyone knew, could he be any more disrespectful to her and his children.

Having said that, maybe he has changed his spots and we are being harsh, I'm really not sure what to think any more, it looks bad, whatever it is he is not treating you like a life partner and sorry but any man not wanting sex would raise alarm bells in my ears.

I hope you get to the bottom of what is going on and let us know, would be interesting to hear his take.

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missbopeep · 17/07/2013 15:09

I agree with Jan.

When you say he is nice, you mean that for some of the time he is kind to his children, and maybe to you.

But being deceitful, having affairs for years - 16 years we assume- and drifting in a relationship is not good behaviour.

You need to separate out his behaviour and who he is. 'Nice' people can do bad things. But if someone keeps doing the same thing ( ie affairs and deceit) you have to ask if they are nice - or just covering up some bad behaviour with superficial 'niceness' - possibly out of guilt, and denial of their other side.

I wonder why he is pursued by so many women who are not his wife? Is he that attractive? And why doesn't he knock it all on the head- there's no law saying you have to be on FB!

I'm really sorry but you seem to be making excuses for him, and not wanting to see what is staring you in the face.

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 15:20

She was just as bad for letting him get away with it in my book. But that's not my relationship to comment on really.

He is always kind to his children, that is not an issue. He is totally involved in their upbringing and is a governor at their school. He is a better dad than a lot of men I know. Although I do agree that the disrespect he showed for his ex when they were together is not ok.

Same reason lots of men are attracted to what women would class as tarts I suppose.

I'm not making excuses for his behaviour and if he is cheating then he is out of here and I will go it alone with my babies. But at the same time am I just assuming the worst because of his past. I've always had the higher sex drive, and that has always been an 'issue' that I have raised with him several times. I've found that in past relationships of mine I have a high sex drive as well - just the way I'm wired I guess.

If I didn't want to see what was starting me in the face I wouldn't be asking the question, I would let him get on with it like his ex, which I won't. I just wanted advice, which I will/have taken, and was wondering how others would approach the subject with their partners.

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Sunnydale52 · 17/07/2013 15:24

Oh and he is always kind/nice to me, I an count the arguments on one had that we've had. So that isn't the issue either.

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Jan45 · 17/07/2013 15:29

Definitely don't agree with your comment that she was as bad as him cos she let him away with it - two completely separate issues there.

It doesn't sound like you're a sex maniac, it sounds like he doesn't want sex, possibly just with you or perhaps any woman which doesn't ring true when he's had his cock out so much in the past.

I've been in my relationship for 11 yrs and we have regular sex, without it I wouldn't class myself as being in one.

I don't know the truth, you can only talk to him and try and get him to explain why he is telling another woman he misses and loves her and another one telling him she wants to be in his bed, that and the history with the ex doesn't exactly shine him in a good light now does it...

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CajaDeLaMemoria · 17/07/2013 15:30

Be very wary, then, that you don't become "just as bad" by putting up with it, too.

It certainly sounds like he is up to old tricks. I suspect the reason that his ex put up with it is because it's very hard to leave, especially with kids, and much easier to stay and believe the lies.

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