I have had a difficult relationship with my mother since my Dad left when I was 11. She is a 'strong character' at best. We argued constantly through my teenagers years and this would get violent - she would often hit me during an argument, and once had her hands round my throat saying she was going to 'fucking kill' me. All this seemed fairly normal to be honest, my parents had always argued. Plates would get smashed (by my mother). She apparently hit my dad on their honeymoon.
I realised it wasn't normal when my first boyfriend noticed bruises all over my arms. By then I was practically at university and was able to largely cut her off. Throughout this period (age 12 to 19) my mum had periods of depression. When I was 12 she told me she was suicidal. It was just me and her living together and I was scared to leave the house incase she was dead when I came back. When I was at university she once rang and said if I didn't come home, she was going to kill herself. So I came home.
I kept my distance from her for years after I left uni. Occasionally we would row and I would receive 10-15 page sides of A4 letters describing in great detail what a terrible person I was. She has fallen out permanently with her brother and her best friend of 20 years. Her mother wrote her out of her will and asked her son to write to me when she died and encourage me to get back in touch with my father. There is noone left brave enough to stand up to my mum.
But then my husband left me when my son was born. My mother swooped in and took over. She did everything she could to help - childcare to ironing. The problem is that I really just wanted to get a cleaner (she thinks it's wrong to get a cleaner) and get a childminder ('why would you ask anyone but me'). So of course I was stuck - if I asked her to back off a bit, she would get very upset and write me another letter. If I let her get on with it, she would critique every aspect of my life on a daily basis, my food, my clothes, finances, my parenting, my cleaning, my sex life (my boyfriend lived an hour a way and she said I 'went a long way for a shag').
This all came to a head when she said she never wanted to see me or DS ever again. She wrote me an 18 page letter telling me that I was so self-absorbed, that I hadn't noticed she was 'hour by hour trying not to tie herself to the rafters'. Then she changed her mind and I agreed for her to pick my DS up after school 2 nights a week. He adores her and her him. I was scared of what she would do if I said no in any case.
So now this brings me to today (thanks if you are still with me!) and I have an opportunity to move away with work. If I tell her she will go nuts, and likely move to be near us. What I really want to do is upsticks and leave, never to have contact with her again. But that would mean her not seeing my DS. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to save him from the pressure she brings (she has written to me saying that DS helps her 'cope with feelings of despair'). This is the woman who wrote to me and said 'when you enrage me I feel perfectly comfortable giving you my rage' and 'when you see (what I do) as interference and not love, I want to hurt you back'. But she is his grandmother.
What would you do? I am terrified of her.
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Relationships
Cutting off my mother - but what about my DS?
borrowedlight · 17/07/2013 07:37
Completely agree with cogito. You need a fresh start and this is the perfect chance. Another might not come again. if she sends you another one of her letters, just rip it up. You dont need to read about what a terrible person you are, because you aren't. Good luck to you and your DS. 
I think you also have to consider the effect that your dysfunctional relationship with your DM will have on your DS, now and in the future.
FWIW I cut ties with my dad over 2 years ago and DC (now 11 & 8) have only asked about him once. 
Are you thinking of leaving without telling her where you're going so she can't move to be nearby?
My Mum has issues that have made life did difficult for me and Ds. We had a massive row and have not had contact now for 8 months. It's been so much better. I was worried about my Ds having no contact but it turned out he was rather scared by her erratic behaviour too. My ds is 9& we're doing much better without her often counter productive help.
Be brave and make a fresh start. It's daunting but much calmer and more pro active on the other side. Be strong.
The most critical point is that you know her behaviour does affect your DS, and he has now voiced his own fears.
I think you should make the move, as you obviously are ready to go 'no contact'
It is never an easy step, carrying its own load of angst to deal with, but for me (and many iothers) it is absolutely the best thing we ever did.
I suspect this will also be the case for you.
Go!! and make a new, free, and happier life for yourself
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