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Found on DP tablet...

(349 Posts)
Kione Tue 16-Jul-13 15:56:03

A series of flirting conversations with old friends, one or two with whome he's had sex. I have been with him 7 years had DD in 2009, these chats are from 2010,11 Dec. 2013...
and one dodgy conversation about his phone being left under the sofa at one of his colleages (female) house. It might be the night they had the xmas party when he told me he stayed at the hotel where the party was. But I am not sure. Even if it wasnt the night of the party, he has never mentioned going to her house.
If you remember me, we havent been getting on that great, and we went through a stage where I didnt feel like having sex with him...
So I am so confused. Should I confront him? how'??
I only opened his tablet cos our computer is being repaired, fb wad open with these chats. I am sure many more could have been deleted...
I dont know how to feel right now sad

Phalenopsis Wed 17-Jul-13 09:09:15

What do you think she's going to say? Do you really think that she'll just confess? She'll probably deny it.

And what if she does admit that she and he had sex? Will that be enough for you. From what you've posted I doubt it. I think you'll then try to find excuses such as 'she forced herself on him' etc.

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 09:12:05

No I wouldnt, I just need the truth since he is not giving it

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 09:45:58

I am trying to be angry, but I am just hurting

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 12:42:21

Keep re-reading your posts as he insisylts he has told me the truth. I don't believe him. I dont feel strong to throw him out, DD will be devastated. Why do I feel as the baddy here??? pkease keep posting otherwise I will loose the little strength I have left sad

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:59:30

Don't go assuming he has cheated, he may not have, just cos he stayed at her place after the office party doesn't mean they had a shag. You need to ask him why he lied about staying in a Hotel, and that in itself makes him look guilty, he must be able to see this.

He's planted the doubt so he needs to remove it - if, he has done nothing wrong. In my book, lying about where he stayed that night was wrong.

From those messages I wouldn't automatically think there was anything going on, they sound innocent enough to me.

And I also think that men have very sensitive egos and chatting to other women is just what they do to make themselves feel better, sad I know.

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 13:20:38

But surely he could have said that when I comfronted him? it actually makes sense if he had stayed there and slept at the sofa BUT 1) he denies being there. 2) her place is way out of our way, so if he ended up there is because he went deliberatelly, not because it was easier or whatever.

JaceyBee Wed 17-Jul-13 13:51:51

I agree with Jan, i think if they had done anything it would be clearer in the messages. Sounds harmless enough, I'd keep a close eye on him anyway and make it known I wouldn't be tolerating any shit.

I don't understand though, if you told him he could seek sex elsewhere, why did you then get mad at him for trying to??

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 14:17:04

I am angry because he id denying everything! and I told him that 2 years ago. Since I have made an effort and this conversation is fron last xmas.
I just want him to be honest with me and he diesnt sound it. His reaction is odd.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 17-Jul-13 14:28:53

He's an idiot because if he's not slept with her then he should admit staying there and explain why.

There's a tiny chance they just crossed boundaries but didn't have sex but even then lying in this manner and disrespecting you is almost enough to crack a relationship's foundations anyway.

How stupid.

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 15:05:40

ok, so I don't believe him but he is behaving as is nothing has happened, and I just dunno what to do now. How do I make him tell me the truth?

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 17-Jul-13 15:17:50

You can't, unfortunately.

You can use incentives (such as leaving/asking him to leave until he comes clean or if that's not a viable option you can try to take as much of a break as possible whilst still under the same roof...though that's obviously harder). Even then he might not, which you can then deal with in which ever way is best for you.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:21:21

Try asking the OW if he won't tell you anything, or threaten to, or threaten to leave or kick him out.

He's not even trying to alay your worries which in itself makes him look even more guilty!

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 15:24:26

Ok. I feel bad for DD, I feel bad even sleeping in the other room because she asks why?. but at the momebt will do that. and tell him that I am looking at rent flats. Fir sone reason I feel better if I leave, as in, I need a ckean, fresh space? I dont know if that makes sense...

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 17-Jul-13 15:32:21

That makes PLENTY of sense kione smile

Sorry for you DD and the added stress but children do adapt and you're no good to her staying in a stalemate situation that has you so stressed and upset.

Keep posting here to keep your strength up if it helps and just try to remember that you are not the 'baddy' here.

newforest Wed 17-Jul-13 15:46:49

There is no way she picked up the phone at the party because she wouldn't have needed to say "just checked...". She wouldn't have needed to check, as she would have known she'd picked it up. It is very clear he lost it at her place. That is not to say he has cheated however. You don't have to kick him out but you should get some space to clear you head a bit.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 17-Jul-13 15:51:14

^ the issue for the time being is the lying & it's complications. If you feel unable to get space with him there then I'd say temp separation would be necessary but if not then try the separate sleeping arrangements & 'mental break' route.

(I'm not sure I'd be able to calmly think about it or feel ok whilst he was still around, lying to my face every time I asked but that's just me)!

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 16:44:33

I keep asking him to tell me the truth but he says, he has told me and when I doubt facts he replies "I don't know! what do you want me to tell you?"
and so we are stuck. it hurts so much

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 17:48:01

he has just arrived from work, as if nothing happened, so I am not very chatty and making my point and 1) he just carries on like nornal 2) why do I feel bad fir being arsey?

TalkativeJim Wed 17-Jul-13 17:56:03

As said upthread: you throw him out.

It's the only way.

What's going on here is a game of chicken. You KNOW he's cheated: he KNOWS you know - fucking hell, how could it be more obvious?!?!

But by God he's not going to admit it. He isn't sure if it's going to work, but he's going to give it all he's got: the strategy is: deny, deny, deny, just keep denying - she will HAVE to run out of steam and give in eventually, yeah? What can she actually say if I keep denying? She WILL, eventually, just mutter something and leave it - pray God she'll do that!

So, you turn that on its head. Cut the crap. You don't get bogged down in the 'have you cheated?' - because you know he's cheated. He's out. There is no denial to be made.

Out. We're over.

He wants to try again/give it another go?

Then he starts talking, he tells you everything, and it better bloody be everything. Because you don't want to be in a relationship with a liar. Oh, and by the way did I MENTION that I already KNOW you've cheated, fuckwit? So leave the denials behind, and start telling me a few truths.

That's where you go from here. Nuclear is now the only option... unless of course you do want to shut up, and put up.

OctopusPete8 Wed 17-Jul-13 17:56:14

I don't think I could resist not asking her tbh, even in typed form responses can be telling.

TalkativeJim Wed 17-Jul-13 17:59:32

You feel bad because he's ramping up the manipulation. He's acting like hell - being as normal as possible - absolutely BUSTING A GUT to push this as fast as he can along the road to 'all gone and forgotten'.

If I were you I would say - right - that's it. I'm done. Either you go upstairs and pack a bag now or I'll do it for you. We're over. No, don't talk - you're showing me plain as day that you're going to lie and lie and try and get me to forget this. I'm not going to: this is going to finish us, clearly, because you won't be honest with me. So I want you out asap.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 17-Jul-13 18:16:58

He's making you feel bad so you drop it.

It's working.

PrincessKitKat Wed 17-Jul-13 18:18:32

I agree. I think he is trying to gloss over it.
If he got the almighty hump because you wouldn't believe him it would be more believable than this 'I don't know' BS.
I had an ex swear blind that he wasn't seeing someone (OW was knocked up by this point), trust your instincts, they're invaluable.
So sorry that he's put you and your DD through this sad

Kione Wed 17-Jul-13 18:23:25

we cant talk until DD goes to bed. when she does I will tell him that I've found a flat. Problem is, I am not working and will have to use my little savings. But I will say that when she is in bed.
I am very tempted to ask her but as some ppl have said, she will just deny it too.

PrincessKitKat Wed 17-Jul-13 18:25:19

And he's had the opportunity to talk to her to get their story straight.
Is there a reason you & DD have to move Kione? It's your family home - shouldn't he go?

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