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Extended family dramas (long and rambly)

(9 Posts)
QueenofallIsee Tue 16-Jul-13 13:58:30

My DP has brothers and very close family relationships, his family and mine all got along and thus we just did most things as a large group. There were times when this drove me mental but in the main it was all good.
A few years ago my youngest son was acting up during a family thing (he was 4 at the time). When I went in to see what was going on, I found one of my BILs holding him by the arms, right in his face and refusing to let him walk past him until he addressed his behaviour. I do not allow people to manhandle my kids and at 4 this was not the right approach to take so I picked my DS up and said something like ?come on young man, its dinner time and I want a talk with you about being naughty?. My BIL follows me out shouting about how I should piss off, I was a nightmare etc etc. My DP told his brother where to get off, was told basically that we were crap parents with no control blah blah blah.
My DPs whole family then ignored me for 3 days (we were away at a family event and this was the amount of time left til we went home)
I was very upset as I always really thought of myself as a part of the family and I was suddenly aware that I was tolerated, not loved. My MIL (a wonderful person most of the time) gave me a lecture on supporting my BIL in managing his temper & not putting him down, it was all quite horrible.
Since then things have been hard ? my DP who is a very chilled out bloke most of the time blames me very much for this and thinks I have ruined our lovely family dynamic. You see, BIL has never apologized or tried to make amends or even spoken to me really since then. We pass the time of day but we are not friends anymore and that is very hard for my P to accept. Because I feel strongly that BIL really wronged me and my kids, I feel that to just pretend its forgotten means I am OK to be treated like a mug. DP thinks that I should ?let it go? as it has been 2 years and we are family and so on. BIL will come to my home and ignore me, DP says this is because I am not welcoming and after all this time, I am very unreasonable to still be angry and hurt.
I have tried a few times to let it go and be nice and ?myself ?but end up being painfully polite once rebuffed (he is very dismissive). I am told that as I am generally such a large character that this is very very noticeable and is construed as my being passive aggressive and deliberately trying to make a point. I wonder if perhaps I am being and don?t realize it. My DP now is saying that he doesn?t even want to suggest spending time with his family as I make it too hard and he worries about even talking about them never mind inviting them over. I said that I can make myself scarce after being polite but again, this is so not how I normally am it is the same as me being a rude cow. This has spilled into BILs fiancée as well ? we never had much in common but I tried to cultivate her as a friend for my BIL and DP sake . I can?t seem to make myself be my usual self with her either now..i am up and down like a yoyo
Now BIL & fiancée are getting married and they would like my daughter as bridesmaid (my daughter, not DPs daughter i.e. their step niece) ? DP sees this as a nice thing, I am suspicious of it. I would dearly like to not go to the wedding and am seriously considering ways of avoiding it.
How can I be a more forgiving tolerant person? the family are not generally people who 'talk' and the one time i said 'lets fix it for DPs sake' BIL came back telling me why it was all my fault.

It is spoiling my relationship and poisoning things that should be wonderful and it seems so silly but I can?t seem to fix it. Thanks for sticking with me!

QueenofallIsee Tue 16-Jul-13 13:59:56

No clue why my post is littered with question marks there..odd!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Jul-13 16:53:41

If it's been a few years since the original incident then I'm afraid I'm on the side of the people that say you should probably find a way to get past the grudge. For your own sake, rather than anyone else's.. If you're not going to tackle BIL man to man and BIL is not going to apologise unilaterally, you're at an impasse and the only person who will suffer from the build up of resentment really is you.

You don't have to like the guy or be his best mate. I'm sure no-one's planning extended visits to each other's houses. You wouldn't leave your children in his care, obviously. But it's a family and, in families, you either ostracise yourself completely or you tolerate a few knob-heads for the sake of ... what... the occasional party invitation?

QueenofallIsee Tue 16-Jul-13 16:59:23

Thanks Cognito - I do think you are right..I just can't seem to make myself do it! I have a little word with myself about just getting on with it, promise by DP I will try and I just cannot be myself somehow...its genuinely not deliberate!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Jul-13 17:03:41

You are being yourself with this guy. If you don't like him, you don't like him and being a 'large character' and all jolly and laughing with someone you don't like would be weird. Your jolly persona is saved for people you like. But to take the strain out of it, don't put yourself deliberately in his path either.

QueenofallIsee Tue 16-Jul-13 17:11:20

Thank you for the input - I am taken with the idea that I can be a version of myself without being the bad guy, after all our feelings for one another are not news to any one...I hope that DP will give me some credit for trying even if I don't get it right all the time! I do feel bad for him that we have gone from friendship to this mind. I Santa do you think? people HAVE been looking at me strangely....*checks jelly belly in dismay* grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Jul-13 17:30:23

Sorry.... was jolly a bad adjective confused ? I think of myself as a fairly extrovert, friendly & 'jolly' character but I know for a fact that there are a few people in the world (the ones I have no time for) that would describe me as 'stern' or even 'snooty'. DP doesn't have to give you credit for trying, he just has to understand that you don't suffer fuckwits lightly...

PrincessTeacake Wed 17-Jul-13 21:03:16

Okay, so aside from trying go discipline your child in a way you found innappropriate, he swore at you and your partner in front of your child and has been holding the grudge just as long as you. He's also been more unpleasant about it it seems to me.

This is just me, and I tend to burn my bridges with a flamethrower, but I would not be making any effort towards this guy. Your husband can do what he likes but if you feel he was in the wrong then stand by it and don't swallow your bile.

You can be civil without putting too much of yourself out there and thats all I'd give him. He's not worth you losing your pride.

VodkaJelly Wed 17-Jul-13 21:33:07

I am with Princess on this one. He has never apologised to you, and has even ignored you IN YOUR HOME! You have tried to put it to one side and act normal and are once again rebuffed by him. And your DP says you are to blame???

Fuck that, never in a million years would I let someone in my home who ignored me.

You need to tell your DP to have a word with his brother, why should you make all the sacrifices to be ignored but his brother can do no wrong?

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