Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What is a healthy relationship with a man? Does this mean no arguments.(23 Posts)
Really I'm wondering what is a healthy relationship. How far can an argument go if a 'healthy' relationship consists of that. How many arguements are too many?
Also when your other half is grumpy or answers you in a tone that you feel is a bit moody or sharp do you pick them up on this or do you let it go?
depends, I can read dh like a book. if he is ratty (rare) it is when he is beyond exhausted (he is like our toddler dd! lol) and I will just say 'i know you're knackered but talk to me again like that and I will end you'
he is like this but then ssyd sorry and goes to bed. sone teasing seems to make him realise what a twonk he is being.
that said I think arguments will happen in any relationship, its finding the level you deem acceptable.
ie, we will have a row about housework but it is never shouting in each others faces or slamming doors and stuff.
he did punch a door once about 6 years ago and I was , but then he was , and then we were both you plonker and went out to bnq for New doors (which were much prettier)
and I grassed him up to his mum (good relationship) who was well I hope you got nicer doors, yours were very 1970s.
I would never have screaming or violence and after the door incident even though we laugh about it now if it happened again I would be furious.
its hard because all relationships are different
ps - but we will have like 4 arguments a year and a few snipes/ rattiness.
I couldnt/ wouldnt take daily/ weekly or even monthly rows.
A healthy relationship is one where you know that if you have an argument you'll be able to resolve it - and that all will be well again sooner or later. It isn't a relationship where you live in absolute dread of an argument, where you're constantly anticipating an argument.
And yes, if DH is grumpy or short I'll ask him why - as he will if I'm in a bad mood.
IMO, it's not whether there are arguments, but how they are conducted.
If you argue, but still respect each other, then it should be fine.
If the arguments leave a bitter taste, then it's not good.
I think you should challenge.
Sometimes we need to be aware that we are grumpy, but then we should do our best to start arguments.
I think the vast majority of relationships will have arguments, but as Lweji has said, it's how they are conducted. My DH won't ever shout at me and we don't ever call each other names or say anything in temper that then can't be taken back.
I knew someone once who said that as long as arguments weren't "corrosive" which I think is a good word for it. I interpret that is not hitting below the belt, maintaining respect, and - although it won't be conducted that way - have a beginning, a middle and an end where things are resolved, or a plan of action is devised.
I think the same rules apply to partners as to anyone else you come into contact with.... strangers, work colleagues, friends, family, children. Disagreements are normal but should be handled constructively, never descend into a slanging match, and old scores should not be dragged up every time there's another disagreement. Bad moods are normal but, once they start to make other people's lives unpleasant, they're not acceptable.
When someone tells me 'we never disagree on anything' I'm suspicious and read it as one partner caving and doing whatever the other partner wants.
Disagreements, and arguments can be healthy, as long as they are resolved in an adult manner. If DP has a cob on, or speaks to me in a manner of which I find offensive or upsetting, I tell him there and then, then we discuss it. He does the same with me.
I think communication is key in any relationship. As a previous poster said, if you live in fear of an argument, something is not right. Disagreements happen, it's how you both react and attempt to resolve it is the key.
We don't argue but then neither of us are the type to argue with anybody. I've never argued with a friend and the last time I argued with my mum I was about 13!
That doesn't mean we don't disagree sometimes but we both always say if we do and don't simmer in resentment so we don't get angry about things - which makes it far easier to discuss stuff normally.
Btw. I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with arguing but it should be reflective of how you are with others, I don't think people should fight with their partners any more than would be normal with their best friend or mum or any other people they are around a lot. To me the red flag is when the supposed "partner" is treated with less respect than other people in your/his life.
Despite my failed past relationships, I've only ever had two rows in my life with partners - both of which were with my DC's father. All the other disagreements I've had have been discussions, in which both parties took the time to listen to the other's POV and in which voices did not become raised even if things became intense. I'm big on courtesy and think if you wouldn't speak to your colleague in a certain way, it's even less acceptable to speak to your partner - the person you are supposed to love and respect above all others - in that way.
In the context of a loving relationship, the occasional bout of irritability can be forgiven, but ongoing moodiness or snappiness is just downright rude and inconsiderate, and any sort of belittling/name-calling is completely unacceptable.
I am fine with arguments. In my opinion it is far better to have a row than to sit around in simmering resentment pretending everything is perfect and fine. My ex couldn't stand arguments which is why we are no longer together...he just ignored me if I got upset. I felt like I was in an emotional straight jacket and couldn't disagree with him which is far more unhealthy imo.
I guess you could see it that too many argumets show the relationship isn't right but to me a monthly argument (around the time of my period!) is inevitable and fine !
DP and I argue very rarely indeed. But we are both great negotiators and work hard at achieving goals to everyone's satisfaction.
If one of us has been unreasonable we tend to air our grievances by showing hurt rather than anger. Which IMVHO is healthier and more constructive.
Never had a relationship in my life, but I think a healthy relationship is one where, even in you do have arguments the love for the other one stays in your heart. You can be irritated, or angry with your partner, but the moment where hatred seeps in to the argument, it stops being a healthy relationship....
My best friends and her boyfriend argues all the time, but still loves each other. Where as my parents' argue with each other all the time, and hate each other.
I consider my best-friend's relationship healthy and my parent's relationship unhealthy or broken...
Both DP and I are a bit over dramatic in arguments so it gets a bit comical. No raised shouting or slamming about but we do both get a bit competitive "You ALWAAAAYYYYSSS do x" when it's only been the once etc. but arguments are always resolved the same way. We sit down and look for a solution to the prob and then I gently take the piss out of DPs over dramatic stropiness and he me and we laugh about, have a hug and get on with our day.
When we were a bit younger (late teens) arguments were more personal and we both got very upset etc. That was our age though, and we didn't have maturity or experience of being on a relationship. Now we wouldn't get personal or shout etc because it doesn't achieve anything and leaves resentment long after the cause of the argument has been resolved. After huge traumatic events we have shouted at each other etc but we've quickly realised its the stress of the situation and had a cuddle instead!
I agree constant rowing is not healthy and a sign of incompatibility but then so is constant denial of any of the issues that are inevitable. I rekon the occassional row about important things is healthy.
I'm no expert but I think that disagreement is part of maintaining one's own identity within a couple. Also agree that it is how a couple rows that counts.
You have to allow so much for personal style of relationships. Some people are more fiery in nature and so their disagreements are always going to be more flamboyant than someone who is quieter, etc. However, anything involving name-calling or force is unhealthy IMO. For me personally, a row would signal the end of the relationship. I expect to discuss, no matter how angry I am. If I am incoherent with rage (rare, but has been known), I will walk away until I am calm enough to talk productively and I would expect my partner to do the same.
I have no problem in bringing up how I feel about things. I don't bottle and build. I bring it up before it reaches boiling point and erupts into an argument.
I realised I was onto a winner when half way through a fiery argument with my then boyfriend I found we were still holding hands. We may not do that physically any more, but after 30 years together I feel that somehow in the middle of any day to day snappiness or bickering or disagreement that may be going on we are still, metaphorically at least, holding hands.
DW and I have had our differences, but one thing I love about her is that she never gets personal in an argument, and always seems to be looking to find a solution, rather looking to score points out of it.
If she's grumpy, which is rare, I'll ask if there's anything I can do, and if not, let her get on with it by being available without being in the way. She spells out what's bothering her - inevitably something work-related - without being passive aggressive.
If you are arguing and the topic moves off onto a lot of tangents, then that's bad. If you feel strongly about a point you should be able to argue about that thing without it degenerating. I don't think there is anything wrong with argument/ discussion if you can both be adult about it.
Join the discussion
Please login first.