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BIL's sex addiction, don't know whether to tell SIL

(118 Posts)
sodeveryone Sun 14-Jul-13 21:53:18

Name changed as this is quite specific.

DH received a panicky phonecall a few months ago from his brother and they spoke in a different language (they usually do) so I couldn't understand what they were saying but it sounded fraught. I asked DH what was going on and he revealed that his brother had been having multiple affairs, one night stands, prostitutes, hiring porn stars for sex since 2004 and one particular OW had started threatening to tell his wife and two children and was demanding money. BIL was asking DH what he should do. DH told him in no uncertain terms that he was not going to help him hide it.

DH and I went on holiday with BIL last week. His wife stayed home to look after their children. I arrived a few days later to give BIL and DH some time to bond and got there to find that BIL had hired an escort for the entire holiday. So we had breakfasts, lunches and dinners all with this escort. BIL acted as if it was fine. DH refused to speak to her and only engaged with BIL and I.

DH now hates talking about it, as he finds it all a bit dirty and he feels it affects their reputation as a family. He is ignoring the fact it is actually happening and hoping that it will go away. I have always been quite close to SIL but we live in separate countries, so technically we have only met about 10 times, but for extended holidays, in their family home, at our wedding etc. She is blissfully in the dark.

Would you tell her?

mcmooncup Sun 14-Jul-13 21:56:02

There is no way on earth I could not tell her.

She deserves the truth.

What she chooses to do with that truth is not your concern. You can only do the right thing.

Skintorama Sun 14-Jul-13 21:56:22


I'd tell her.

I cannot get over the prostitute on holiday. That is just the foulest thing I've ever heard.

He's not a sex addict, by the way, he's an arsehole.

mynameisslimshady Sun 14-Jul-13 21:58:38

The messenger always get shot.

It sounds like she is about to find out anyway so I really wouldn't tell her and just try and be there to help her pick up the pieces afterwards.

What an awful situation to be in sad

Fairylea Sun 14-Jul-13 21:58:55

Are you SURE she doesn't know? I say this because if my dh went away on a holiday with his brother and wife without me I'd find that incredibly weird (in my world it just wouldn't happen, dh wouldn't want to go without me).

If you are sure she doesn't know then I think your dh has to confront your bil and tell him either he needs to tell her or end the affairs etc and you don't want to be involved or know anything about it again. It's putting you in an incredibly difficult situation and he is using your dh really to validate his lies.

mcmooncup Sun 14-Jul-13 21:59:44

Shooting the messenger is a saying designed to make people be silent.

Speak the truth.

mynameisslimshady Sun 14-Jul-13 21:59:59

He's not a sex addict, by the way, he's an arsehole.

^^ and this.

OctopusPete8 Sun 14-Jul-13 22:00:36

I would for her sexual health if nothing else,
so sorry you're dealing with this not nice at all sad

What culture is this just asking?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 22:00:54

I'd tell her in a heartbeat. Massively insulting that the BIL thought it was even slightly appropriate to invite a hooker to share your holiday. She came to breakfast?... hmm Why didn't you or your DH tell the seedy man and this woman to piss off?

Skintorama Sun 14-Jul-13 22:04:14

I wondered that too, Cogito.

Not to mention the fact that OPs dh was there without her for the first few days. I would have gone nuclear if I'd arrived on holiday to find my husband and his brother had a prostitute staying with them.

sodeveryone Sun 14-Jul-13 22:05:23

So if you were going to tell her, how would you do it? Do you think anonymously with something provable?

I agree the messenger always gets shot.

It causes problems in my and DH's relationship too as he wants to bury his head in the sand and I want him to take action. DH is also optimistic that it's a phase and that it will stop - He has told BIL that if his wife finds out and chooses to leave him then he will make her and thier children a priority, emotionally and financially and not see him alone or with any other woman.

mynameisslimshady Sun 14-Jul-13 22:07:20

What does your dh think about you telling her? Will he support you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 22:07:23

Good point skintorama.

sodeveryone Sun 14-Jul-13 22:08:13

the most ridiculous part about it was while we were on holiday, another prostitute turned up at our door (not the hired escort). DH and BIL have the same surname obviously, and she got the wrong room.

DH went ballistic at BIL.

Lweji Sun 14-Jul-13 22:09:28

Your DH should do it now.
Why is he speaking to his brother but not the escort? It's not her fault.

You both should be telling him to cone clean or you both tell her.

Or at the very least that you are not witnesses to any more of this crap, or you'll feel obliged to tell.

He's being an arse to his wife but to you too.

sodeveryone Sun 14-Jul-13 22:10:29

DH is actually closer to her than I am. They text frequently. His view is that we shouldn't get involved

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 22:10:33

Just tell her straight. 'When we were on holiday he hired a hooker for the whole week and this is his usual habit... thought you ought to know'. Does the SIL not speak English? Will you be relying on DH to translate this message accurately? ... if so, I'd say that was a weak link in the plan.

If the messenger gets shot, so what? At least you won't have to endure any more holidays with Mr Nasty Bawbag....

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 22:12:24

"DH and BIL have the same surname obviously, and she got the wrong room."

Are you sure about that? Really? Or did they book one each and she got the day wrong. See... a man that says 'don't get involved' over something like this and doesn't do anything to prevent his own wife from having to have holiday breakfasts with a hooker... to me that's highly suspect.

sodeveryone Sun 14-Jul-13 22:12:40

DH's main focus is on their kids (his nephew and niece) and he doesn't want anything to happen to them or them to be affected.

So how would you tell her? I am seeing her at the beginning of August

milkymocha Sun 14-Jul-13 22:13:59

Iam not convinced the prostitute did get the wrong room actually hmm Since when do you book these girls by surname?
Surely it would be 'the guy in room 101?'

Maybe iam wrong, my knowledge of this is limited non exsistant confused

sodeveryone Sun 14-Jul-13 22:14:21

Cogito Yep I'm pretty sure about it. I think I even saw BIL pick her up when I went to the loo after a meal, and she put his name in her phone. BIL was on a roll that holiday (hence why I thought he was a sex addict - as well as an arsehole.) He just couldn't get enough.

Lweji Sun 14-Jul-13 22:15:27

Are you sure the hooker got the wrong room?

Reading it all, they were there alone for a few days, and upon your arrival bil has an escort staying.
Then the mess with the rooms.

It may be nothing, but I'd be on alert, tbh.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 14-Jul-13 22:16:36

You have to tell her, as anybody would want to know.
is this a culture where the males do this and the females just suck it up, because it sounds bizarre that she wouldn't know by now, either way you should tell her.

sodeveryone Sun 14-Jul-13 22:17:41

morethanpotatoprints BIL comes from an international banking culture. He's worth millions and so can afford things, cover them up and is expected to be away from home a lot.

sodeveryone Sun 14-Jul-13 22:18:06

How should I tell her? What should I say?

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