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He came back

(18 Posts)
bluedoor99 Sun 14-Jul-13 21:22:19

I finally left the marital home after DV. Threatening fists, punching my face (2years ago) financial abuse, emotional abuse, controlling, pushing shoving (over a Year ago). Not letting me have friends

i left with the children (with just their teddies and the clothes we stood up in) to go to my parents (my parents house was not big enough for us all) plus 30mins drove to school, cubs,brownies etc. (sleeping in the floor too so really unsuitable)

4 months later, h finally agrees to move out of family house, goes to his family but has a row with them 4 weeks later and threatened to be back to the family house.

Well he just walked through the door and is now acting like nothing has happened. And we are one great big family. Which we are not.

I asked police for advice and they said as the abuse I was reporting was over 6 months old (and he only broke a tooth not a bone!) then there is nothing they can do (only be here straight away if it happens again). Is my only option to rent a place for my children? I just feel awful for them having to move yet again. He said that we could live in the house until the family house was sold (as his housing was sorted). He lied.

And there is no other property around here we will have to go to another town ( I have to apply for my youngest school place in November to an oversubscribed school hoping we get through on sibling policy).

Sorry it's a long one ....

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 21:30:02

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I don't think the police response was at all helpful given that he'd already been arrested once. I'd suggest you try Womens Aid for advice, explain your situation and see if they can help with accommodation. Failing that, wait for him to leave the place and then get someone round to add extra security to your doors and change the locks. Before someone says it, I know it is potentially illegal to bar someone from a property they own but I think your safety is more important than his access and that, if it did end up in court, he would struggle to argue his way back in.

Is the divorce underway with the solicitor already?

tribpot Sun 14-Jul-13 21:31:10


Well, the good thing is with the hols almost upon us, you do have the option of just clearing off to your parents if you need to.

I would speak to Women's Aid tomorrow, and other posters will be able to advise on whether on the info from the DV unit of the police is correct.

Moving may not be ideal for your children but living with an abuser will be infinitely worse. It doesn't sound like you're in immediate danger of harm? In which case you have some time to plan. But if you feel you are, just get the hell out of there.

Lweji Sun 14-Jul-13 21:32:00

So sorry, sad but not unexpected.

You should have changed the locks and reported him to the police, but you are past that (only mentioned for anyone in a similar position who might be reading).

Consider the alternative to moving the children.
Living in fear in your own home.

Living anywhere away from this man should be a blessing.
Make sure you have someone with you when you leave. Or leave when he's out.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 14-Jul-13 21:32:01

Did you have any legal advice during the 4 months you were camping at your parents' house? Have you started divorce proceedings, did you get any medical/dental help when you had a broken tooth? Could you go back to your parents' house as a way of getting out of the family house while you sort out what to do next? It must be horrific having him come back ...

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 14-Jul-13 21:51:03

I don't think that police advice is correct. Have you spoken to someone in the department that works specifically with DV? Ask to speak to their DV unit and get more info. I've never heard of anyone being told that there's a 6 month time limit regarding DV.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 14-Jul-13 22:08:24

But much of that 6 months was spent living separately!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 10:36:20

Reading the original post again, was the offence six months ago not reported at the time? That might explain the police response.

bluedoor99 Mon 15-Jul-13 13:41:18

The offence in jan was reported but i didn't want to take it further (i was still under his influence). And actually felt guilty and sorry for him! But the break and speaking out to people helped. No longer care for him at all.

So when the police questioned him in jan they took it no further.

The divorce has started last week, although if I Am in the house with him, he will make it very hard for me.

Lweji Mon 15-Jul-13 13:43:02

So, did you leave it then? Because if it was reported and you haven't been together since then, apart from him going back now, you should be able to get him to leave.

Do seek legal advice asap.

bluedoor99 Mon 15-Jul-13 14:30:01

I did say I didn't want to follow it up when i reported it in January (very stupidly I know). Nothing was done by police "just an acknowledgement of an altercation had happened", by him.

Finally I got the courage (when faced with the prospect of him returning) I reported the previous stuff which is 1-2 years old on Saturday night.

MNiscold Mon 15-Jul-13 14:37:19

It is hard to find the courage to call police, isn't it? But you have started to find the strength to take the steps you need to take. Keep on taking those steps. You really do need legal advice, family help if at all possible, etc. and will get support here. Be sure you stick with it, even when you think you can't do it; because you can!

You DO see that he rows with everyone he lives with, don't you? It's not just you. Hold onto that thought, and protect yourself and the children. The rest will come, but you all have to be safe first. Frightened children do not learn much in school, frightened moms don't do as well on the job, etc. Safety first.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 14:39:39

Have you spoken to Womens Aid? I'm sure what you're describing can't be unique. For the police he doesn't seem to represent a clear and immediate risk owing to the last incident being downplayed (inadvertently) and also the passage of time. However, you need him out of the house or you need somewhere safe to go yourself. And that's the kind of thing that Womens Aid are quite good at advising on.

themaltesecat Mon 15-Jul-13 15:31:13

Please ring Women's Aid now. 0808 2000 247

Rulesgirl Mon 15-Jul-13 15:46:13

If you either withdrew the complaint against him or didn't wish to proceed then that is why the police can't do anything. They do a lot of paper work at the time and would have been able to do a lot more if you hadn't dropped the complaint and let them proceed.

Rulesgirl Mon 15-Jul-13 15:50:59

If you either withdrew the complaint against him or didn't wish to proceed then that is why the police can't do anything. They do a lot of paper work at the time and would have been able to do a lot more if you hadn't dropped the complaint and let them proceed.

JuliaScurr Mon 15-Jul-13 15:57:06

JuliaScurr Mon 15-Jul-13 16:02:47

phone for advice
you will get through this
you can get support on here
and from organisations

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