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Husband taken by aliens(105 Posts)
Omg 2013! I need to read things properly!
Oops didn't realise it was a zombie thread. Sorry!
I agree with other posters that he's having an affair. I'm so sorry OP, I think he is behaving appallingly. Frankly, it's pathetic and spoilt. I agree you should split to retain your self respect. Go and see a lawyer before you tell him any of this so that you can get all of your financial ducks in a row.
This is a Zombie Thread Lighthouse, you won't get an answer here. Maybe start your own thread
New on here, similar situation. Can I ask how it all concluded (if it has)?
It's so common to think you want to 'fight' right after an affair is found out. Then come the stages - hysterical bonding (sex) thinking you're a great team against the world (her) feeling like you've won - then the scales drop and you actually realise you don't love, trust or respect him anymore. Sadly lots of women feel like it's too late at this point and limp along unhappily. It's not too late.
Wow, if I knew he was sleeping with somebody else AND admitted he loved her, I would've taken all his clothes, burned them and thrown him out of the window!
How you can even share a bed with that man let alone have sex!
He'll do it again....
Your first wedding anniversary is this month, what a hell of a way to spend the majority of your first year married . I won't say you were 'weak', back in the summer. You were caught off-guard, you loved him and you were probably in shock still.
H's new job may have taken him away from that particular colleague, is he now working in a monastery or are there women present? I don't see how you can possibly trust him. He's only now showing remorse? He knows he can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the next OW, if her enraged H kicks off and she starts making demands of him.
You can't seriously believe your DS will not have noticed the change in atmosphere between you two.
If you act now it won't be a knee-jerk reaction, it won't matter if you go back on whatever you convinced yourself and him of 3 months' ago. He wasn't satisfied with how life was, he took you for granted and felt entitled to more, every step of the way he only took his own selfish wants into account. Months' later he is still calling the tune, you sound numb and unhappy.
Littlet932, I've been in a situation somewhat similar to yours. One thing I can say, and you actually mentioned it in your last post, is that you seem to have a very low self-esteem. You keep saying that you are the strong one, that you are in control or controlling, but I feel that this is all just a cover up. Your relationship is comes across as extremely unequal, even without the affair. He has his high-powered job and you are left doing all the housework and childcare despite having a job yourself. He does not consider it necessary to explain his behaviour to you. You are not worth of even a stupid excuse for him. Even of a lie to calm you down for a bit. And you are just taking it all in.
Consider why you wanted to get married after 10 years of supposedly happy cohabitation. Were you feeling insecure for a long time and hoping that marriage would somehow raise your significance in his life?
You instincts are right. Of course you are going mad when you are treated like shit. But you've got to get beyond just "going mad" and simply rationally and consciously admit that shit is shit.
You are bending over backwards for a man who does not seem to give a hoot about you. Saying "I love you" just air when it is not backed up by deeds. And I see no deeds here.
Whatever you do, please do not sell yourself short. Demand what is rightfully yours - respect, communication and care. but I don't think this man is going to give you these.
little I think you needed some time to come to terms with his betrayal. Not everyone is able to say "fuck you get out" on day one. But now you have to find some strength and ask him to leave REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU WANT LONG TERM.
Basically there are two options right? Split up/Stay together
Option One: Split Up
To me - his lack of remorse and immature selfishness are almost as bad as the affair. Everything about him - right down to not bothering with condoms - is selfish selfish selfish and for my own sanity I would split up. I could never trust him again and I would always feel like he was there because I had made it easy for him. On this basis I would be asking him to leave sooner rather than later, because the quicker he is gone, the quicker you can start the process of getting over him and recovering from a shit year.
Option Two: Stay Together
As long as he is under that roof having been 'forgiven' having put zero effort into winning you back, he cannot respect you. And if he doesn't respect you, it WILL happen again.
So you need to ask him to leave to give yourself some head space and to give him the fucking wake up call that it doesn't sound like he's had yet.
It doesn't matter where he runs to - even if it's OW - he will be there out of lack of other options, not choice. And frankly, if he does end up there -you need to know that too.
It's going to be really hard, but it really is the only viable option unless you want to end up on this horrible merry-go-round for the entirety of your marriage.
shit - ignore my post - i think i have missed a lot of posts!! i am so sorry
Hello, welcome back.
Stop beating yourself up, you did what you thought was right at the time and right for your son. Don't be ashamed at all.
What is right for you now? You have tried, he is allegedly remorseful, you are coping. Super, but where does that leave you?
Life without him, I assure you will be hard but you will cope. You'll have to. But can you imagine life at the other side of all this? Without the OW, without the endless eggshells and wondering? If you can, then make you move when you are good and ready.
If you think it can be salvaged to a place where you are both happy, perhaps now is the time for counselling.
But do what's right for you, we only get one chance.
You need some head space.
Kick him out for a little while to try to make sense of things.
The way you have both handled this is appalling!
He's an absolute cock and you know it.
Get him out until you decide what you want.
His behaviour suggests to me that he is actually not sorry for the hurt he's caused you.
He's done something wrong and is looking for a way to wriggle out of it and make you the 'bad guy'
Before you discover the affair he had you thinking you where going mad. If you're not careful, he'll do it again.
It makes it seem as though he is sexually aroused by demeaning you, without it he can't get it up... Scary...
I would not go to counselling or anywhere else with this horrible man.
Also, it is not about being thin, good looking, sexy or wearing nice clothes. Those things, and the controlling behaviour you believe you exhibit are often a sign of the emotional insecurity created within an abusive relationship.
This thread is utterly horrifying. Another one who thinks you are trying to behave in a way that you think is strength, kid yourself etc
Please, I urge you to think about your poor son. It isn't splitting up that will harm him the most it is a relationship of the kind you have with your husband and the way you are each dealing with the split/problems.
This is just a relationship with one man.
There are plenty of other men you could be with.
Nobody is worth this.
There is abuse in your relationship. This means it must end.
I can't believe no-one has even mentioned the time he shagged you, knowing you were crying, probably knowing that was as a result of his cold treatment of you. This cold treatment being a punishment for you not being obedient/meek/deferential enough. The affair being the same.
He is a horrible man.
He is not some prize.
Too much abuse has happened and you cannot save the relationship.
OMG I don't understand, how can you even be in the same room as him after what he has done and now he's in paradise sunning himself. It's not great sex I can assure you, it's desperate, please don't leave me sex, he must be loving it, as for your self esteem, grab it back, don't let him demean you anymore, get strong, you're well rid, they will never last as a couple meeting under those kind of circumstances. Do the right thing for you and your son and move on without him, you'll never get a normal relationship with him, as soon as I started reading your post I realised he was shagging some OW.
I hope this is just knee jerk reactions you are having cos if not, then you seriously need counselling esp on your self worth and self esteem.
I'm with you toad
So he now says he loves her but doesn't want to be with her
So only a little while ago he was telling you he loves another woman and you let him go on holiday with you.
Wow - just wow!
Yep, he sounds like the perfect man!!!!
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