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I know I'm in the wrong. Need some wisdom and a reality check

(17 Posts)
MessAndNotProud Sat 13-Jul-13 21:43:32

I'll be as informative and as quick as I can.

Married for 15 years. 3dc under 5. Everything is fine (I thought) til 18 mo ago. I loved my dh. He treated me like a queen. Lots of attention and affection. Very romantic. We were there for each other through thick and thin. Completely and utterly. I would have bet my dc lives on dh being faithfull forever. Seriously. That's how I felt.

Found out he was betraying me in many ways and a few ways I never got to the bottom of. We split. Got back together. Trying to work things out.

But it's so different now. I can't believe anything dh says. I question everything and everyone one now. I don't trust him at all, and still feel he keeps things from me. But at the same time he's been very good at trying to make things work between us. Yet at the same time I've turned into quite a hard person who won't take bs from anyone now where as before I hated confrontation.

One of the main reasons I wanted to make a go of things again is that I believe, in most cases, people deserve a second chance. People make mistakes. We have a lovely family which neither of us want to fall apart. We don't want to separate and live apart from our dc. Me and dh get on well, rarely argue and enjoy spending time together.

Yet I resent the things he has done and the long term betrayal he did. I quite literally don't have the vocab to express how I feel. Yet here's where it gets a bit grim.

I have fancied a guy for a few years, our paths only cross maybe once or twice a year. Yet the attraction I have always felt for him had been like the attraction I've always had with my dh. I've not acted on it ever. Nor have I ever cheated on my dh. Until now.

Mine and om paths crossed a few months ago and I text him. I don't know why, for foolish and selfish reasons probably. We've been texting most days and seeing each other occasionally. We haven't slept together but we both want to. He's married with dc and I feel like a complete failure as a woman, mother and wife. I know, beyond reason and doubt that its wrong, he will never leave his dw for me and I don't want him to. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not the dc involved or his dw. I don't want to hurt my dh either -truly I don't, I don't want revenge, I'm so messed up I just don't know what to do and have no one to talk to.

Please help me make sense of my world

lougle Sat 13-Jul-13 21:45:02

Stay away from the OM.

Decide what you want to do with your marriage.

Liara Sat 13-Jul-13 21:49:06

You say you don't want revenge, but that is exactly what this sounds like.

Might there also be an element of boosting your self esteem, which may have taken a serious knock from what your dh did?

Probably not great to see it through until you have figured everything out a bit better. If he is not going to leave his wife and you don't want him to, is this just about a random bit of sex? Really? What exactly are you willing to risk for that?

Lweji Sat 13-Jul-13 21:53:50

Honestly, I think you need to walk away from both.

LadyMud Sat 13-Jul-13 21:58:29

You poor love - you must be hurting so badly inside, if you're now behaving in such a self-destructive manner.

You really need to cease all contact with OM, and give yourself a break to sort out your marriage.

MessAndNotProud Sat 13-Jul-13 22:10:15

It does feel like I'm hovering over the self destruct button, it's strange you've said that as I've thought it previously.

tribpot Sat 13-Jul-13 22:26:06

You say you believe everyone deserves a second chance. I'm not sure they do, but I do know you're not giving your DH a second chance. If you've reached the conclusion you will not be able to trust him again - well, that's okay. Some things can't be undone. He's destroyed to some degree not only your faith in him but also your faith in people. That's a hell of a lot for you to forgive.

I suspect you never got really angry with him? Tried to be nice instead? But now the anger is coming out in a far more unpleasant way, for all of you.

Your DH deserves your honesty - if you can no longer find a way to trust him, tell him. Get angry at him, argue with him but don't look for an escape to avoid the confrontation. Or to validate your feeling that somehow you're to blame for your husband's betrayal? You say I feel like a complete failure as a woman, mother and wife. Yet what did you do wrong? (Before now, I mean). Why are you punishing yourself for his failings? The fact you have unresolved questions about his betrayal is not helpful either. If he's really trying to mend this relationship, are there things he hasn't told you?

I think you had your DH on a pedastal before. You can't put him back there but you're struggling to accept that things will have to be different - forever - as a result. Maybe you need to give yourself permission to leave him, if ultimately it's the right thing for you. Maybe you will find a way of working through it together. But you need to confront it, not try and paper it over. Good luck.

MessAndNotProud Sun 14-Jul-13 03:03:57

Tribpot-you're right about me not giving dh a second chance. I got very angry with him at the time but when it was decided that we were going to try again I thought I had to try and let the anger go. Ultimately I haven't.

And what you said about him destroying my faith in people is spot on too. I hadn't thought if that before.

I feel like a failure because if what I'm doing now. Not from before.

mynewpassion Sun 14-Jul-13 04:04:23

Why are you putting another woman what your DH put you through?

tribpot Sun 14-Jul-13 08:00:22

I thought I had to try and let the anger go

Not really. You agreed it was worth trying to see if he could be honest enough with you that he could rebuild your trust. Not just pretend it didn't happen and brush it under the carpet. You are allowed to be angry. But you should be angry, not do this as a way of acting out.

So you feel like a failure for even contemplating doing something like what your DH did - yet don't feel that he is a complete failure for having actually done it? Stop wasting your time on feelings of guilt for something that hasn't happened. Ultimately it's all just a distraction from the real problem, which is that you find you can no longer suppress your feelings - of mistrust, of betrayal, of anger towards your DH. If you have a look at some of the posts on MN, you will see it's not uncommon for the post-affair period to be a rollercoaster, where it can seem to be going along okay for quite some time but then a dip happens and you're shaken up again. Even the genuinely remorseful cheating spouse may fail to appreciate just how deep the hurt goes, or how long it takes to recover, but you have the right to feel hurt and angry - for as long as it takes.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 09:31:45

I think you've made a mistake taking back your husband and thinking that you can trust someone who has betrayed you so badly by rationalising that 'everyone makes mistakes'. Betrayal of that kind is so visceral and so personal that the effects IME never leave you, despite all the persuasion and 'effort' the other person can lob your way.

By taking him back I think you've started to hate yourself for compromising your values. When your values are compromised, your self-respect is damaged and you are angry, all kinds of shit can happen. Logic like... 'what's sauce for the good is sauce for the gander' starts to make sense and you end up hating yourself even more.

So get rid of your cheating husband, rebuild your confidence, rediscover your self-respect and remind yourself that you are good, worthy, loveable, person who has high standards. He's the cause.... you are not a bad person.

Lweji Sun 14-Jul-13 09:37:41

Your anger and distrust are perfectly justified.
You are hovering the self destruct button because you are trying to suppress those very valid feelings.

Why and how it was decided to give another go?
It doesn't sound like you made that decision.

MessAndNotProud Sun 14-Jul-13 10:31:26

Thanks for the replies so far. You're all certainly making sense and given me things to think about.

The reasons we got back together is that I loved him deeply, I never imagined him not being in my life, and on the surface and in day to day life we do get on and have a good life together with the dc. The dc are so young and neither of us want to separate and split up our little family.

I question whether this is just a difficult patch between us and hope it will pass but I really don't know if it will.

Helpyourself Sun 14-Jul-13 10:34:43

Try, and it'll be difficult, to separate the two relationships.
You may well end up divorcing- it wouldn't be the end of the world- and you might even end up with the OM. But for your self respect you need to sort out your marriage first.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 12:37:24

This isn't something that will pass with just 'hope'. It's a serious crisis. No point tripping along in your day to day life pretending nothing happened and saying nothing. You may love him deeply but you know that he doesn't feel the same way about you if he did what he did.

If you're really struggling with this ... ' I quite literally don't have the vocab to express how I feel.'... all that will happen is that the resentment and betrayal will turn increasingly inward and you'll think of yourself as worthless. Then you'll behave like the rejected person of no importance you think you are.... casting around for male attention in a desperate bid for affection. Have you thought about getting counselling to work out why you think you don't deserve better than a faithless husband and still more faithless married men?

You can't imagine him not being in your life because you've not given yourself the opportunity to find out what it would be like. You could be pleasantly surprised.... most people are.

Lweji Sun 14-Jul-13 13:29:25

If you leave him, it wasn't you who split the family.
He did.
He has full responsibility for that.

If you do stay together you have to be able to feel your feelings, let out the rage and the disappointment. He should be able to ride it all out and make proper amends.

You need to feel validated.

I wouldn't be able to overcome a complete betrayal, particularly if I still felt in the dark.
A voluntarily disclosed one night stand perhaps, but only once.

MessAndNotProud Sun 14-Jul-13 21:50:03

You really have opened my eyes to the obvious , thanks for your replies.

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