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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Age gap!

15 replies

BuwchBywiog · 13/07/2013 20:07

I've been single for just over a year, it's taken a long time to get over the 14 year relationship that I had with my ex, but have by now realized that he was very manipulative, probably emotionally abusive even and that I in such a better place without him than I was when I was with him. I've just started seeing someone at work who has also come out of what sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship, his was a nearly 30 year marriage and has ended in quite a bitter divorce (nothing to do with me, they've been separated for well over a year). He is 16 years older than me, realistically is this ever going to work? We both have children, his grown up, mine are still primary school age, we've both been hurt so its like we're scared to admit that we even like each other, we're both quite insecure. We're fine when we're together but its like we get doubts when we haven't seen each other properly for a while. I'm rambling! Any thoughts? Thank you!

OP posts:

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missbopeep · 13/07/2013 20:19

How old are you?

I had a long relationship ( not marriage) with a man 14 yrs older when I was 21. It worked in many ways but we split up ( for reasons not really linked to age but to his upbringing.)

Oddly he is now married and has been for years to someone younger than me. So yes it can work.

But more important is how he feels after 30 years of marriage- is he ready to start over now or does he still need space to get over it?

I'd say you take it very very slowly because IME men who are even remotely on the rebound don't end up with the first or even 2nd woman they have a relationship with. You need to protect yourself.

BuwchBywiog · 13/07/2013 20:28

I'm 35, he's 51 and I couldn't tell you 100% that he's ready, he made the first move and was very persistent as I was very wary in the beginning, still am a bit really. He seems very a very lovely and genuine bloke but he is very insecure, he's grown on me!

OP posts:

FeralStreep · 13/07/2013 20:30

DP is 15 years older than me.

It works. We adore each other. He's a big kid in lots of ways - has a young outlook.

Age is just a number.

missbopeep · 13/07/2013 20:34

Age is not the issue I'd say OP but be sure you are not a ship in the night he is clutching at. You sound great, but just take care that you are not 2 wounded souls who cling to each other because of the hurt you both suffered, and not because you really are suited long term.

Two people on the rebound is not always a good mix, and IME of friends, the couples who met soon after their respective break ups didn't last ( even though they married.)

Not wanting to put a damper on it, but it really depends on how much he has got over his ex- 30 years is a long time.

Maybe it's that type of conversation you need to have with him some time?

BuwchBywiog · 13/07/2013 20:46

I think you're right, 14 years was hard enough to get over let alone a 30 year marriage. I guess I think of rebounds as something that happens within weeks or months of a relationship ending, rather than over 12 months later, not always the case though hey! Thank you, I do need to protect myself and my children and I wouldn't want him to get hurt either he deserves more than that bless him. Guess we're going to have to talk!

OP posts:

missbopeep · 13/07/2013 21:00

I don't always go along with things in print but there is something somewhere about needing 1 month for ever year of marriage to get over the split. so 30 years = about 2.5 years.

Not saying this is RIGHT for everyone by any means, because some marriages are dead in the water for years before an actual separation so it all depends. People may have detached emotionally a long while back.

BUT you should at least tread with caution. I'd suggest- FWIW!- that you keep him as a friend for a while longer, or a casual boyfriend, and both feel free to date other people, if that's an option.

BuwchBywiog · 13/07/2013 21:05

thank you I appreciate your advice :) we've always said that whatever happens we don't want to lose our friendship.

OP posts:

MadeMan · 14/07/2013 14:08

I think that at 35 and 51 the age gap would be fairly insignificant.

JennySense · 14/07/2013 16:42

Married with an 18yr age gap. He's the love of my live. We've been together 18yrs now too.
As other posters have said, it's not the age difference here but the circumstances. You need to keep talking it through

BuwchBywiog · 15/07/2013 11:44

Thanks everyone, we do get on well. Keeping it casual at the moment seems to be less scary for both of us, see how it goes!

OP posts:

EroticTebbit · 15/07/2013 11:51

I'm just getting out of a marriage with a 20+age gap, but the age gap was not the problem at all. We had a great relationship and after the first 6 months we never thought about the gap.

(Nice username BTW- I'm more of a Dafad Ddiog... )

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 11:53

I'm sorry to go all 'red flag' here but two things stand out. First is that he was persistent in his pursuit of you which can sometimes be a bad sign. Second is that you've just started seeing him and yet seem to know all about his marriage break-up and what a bad person his ex was. Third is... who mentioned 'emotional abuse' first? Did you say it and he then said 'me too'... or did he bring this up in isolation? There is the potential for deceit, in other words.

If you have been in a relationship where you were manipulated you can find that you're not quite alert to the tricks in someone else and this can make you vulnerable. Please play this very carefully, get as much corroborating information as you can and please read this article about early warning signs.

BuwchBywiog · 15/07/2013 13:05

Thanks, he hasn't mentioned emotional abuse as such, that's just me making assumptions from what he's saying about the way she was with him. I personally don't think she's a bad person but they're both very hurt and the divorce is making them bitter towards each other, which is a shame.

You're right though Cogito I am vulnerable, am going to go read that article now. Thanks again, appreciate the replies :)

OP posts:

SelectAUserName · 15/07/2013 13:22

Can't comment on the issues Cogito raises but on the point of age gap alone: my DH is 18 years older than me, we've been together for 21 years and married for almost 13. Life has thrown various amounts of crap at us over the years but we've dealt with it together and are stronger now than ever before. Now that he is in his 60s, health concerns are rearing their head and I have that occasional nagging thought in the back of my mind that I am more likely than not to end up a comparatively young widow, but then I could end up under the proverbial serial killer bus tomorrow so I try not to dwell too much on that.

Prozacbear · 15/07/2013 17:39

All else but age gap aside: DP is 20 years over. I adore him, he's ace, and the most fun person I know ... the only thing that worries me (as Selectausername mentioned) is health concerns.

It sounds, though, that your issues aren't age-related ....

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