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Dp not returned home

(42 Posts)
SpaceKoala Fri 12-Jul-13 22:40:24

Really not sure where to start but am worried sick and don't know what to do.
Dp has some mental health issues and attends a group on Friday afternoons. It's a charity thing for people with similar issues.
He sometimes goes for a beer after the group but is usually back by 7
He normally calls to let me know he will do so.
Today however he did not call until after 8. We have two under threes and a dog at home. And I was very upset with him for not calling to at least let me know.
He is a bit of a hypochondriac (sp?) and now says he is going through male menopause and says he feels depressed.
We ended up having several short conversation ending in an argument and me throwing the phone down.
Phone is now switched off.
No clue where he is
No clue if he is ok
Must be rather drunk by now
He left his mates in other pub I think, and haven't got there numbers to call in any case
Dog needed walking and children sleeping so ended up installing baby monitor app and walked dog up and down the street.
Never left them alone like that before, but couldn't see another way. Children were fast asleep and could have been back in two minutes max. Was that a bad decision?
And now what do I do? Wait? Call someone?
Am still very upset but also worried.
He is being an absolute bastard and I won't let this go but now I want him home safe and can deal with rest later
What do I do??

SelectAUserName Sun 14-Jul-13 19:25:40

SpaceKoala I hope your DP can get the help he needs. MH conditions are vile for everyone involved to have to deal with. Depression is a selfish disease and it can be difficult to separate the person from the illness at times.

My DH, who has bipolar, and I had a couple of similar experiences several years ago, other than there was no alcohol involved and he did come home after a few hours each time. I remember as though it were yesterday the sheer panic of knowing he was in a very bad place mentally and not being able to contact him. It felt very personal and selfish, and in a way it was, but when we were able to talk about it afterwards it became clear that it wasn't targetted at me, he wasn't walking around thinking "Select will be worrying, well f* her" or anything like that. He just couldn't switch off his thoughts; couldn't pin down any course of action, couldn't make any decisions, couldn't stop walking because when he did his thoughts (some of which were suicidal) threatened to engulf him. He honestly thought he was going mad. There wasn't room for anything in his head other than trying to fight off the impulse to do something stupid to himself.

His medication has since been changed, he has seen a number of psychiatrists and cognitive therapists and we have never had a repeat of that particular episode. That's not to say he is cured - far from it - nor to suggest that living with someone with a serious chronic MH condition is easy, because it isn't. But he has found different coping strategies that are more appropriate and less worrying for me. I hope your DP manages to do the same.


SpaceKoala Sun 14-Jul-13 19:01:59

Stepmooster thanks for your message and thanks for sharing your experience.
Will give him a chance and try and support him but told him he will have to get help and actively improve his behaviour otherwise he will have to move out. He got rather stressed out but understood. Now it's up to him.
A police officer came around this morning for the debriefing (didn't know they did that , and that shook him a bit as well. The police officer was lovely, took her time, explained why she was here today and listened to dp telling his side of things and about how he feels. She was really good, even dp said so afterwards and he isn't too fond of the police.
Now wait and see how things continue...

stepmooster Sat 13-Jul-13 22:33:12

My ex had mental health issues, he decided to stop taking his medication because it numbed his brain. He slowly turned into this OCD, EA dickhead who refused to seek help. In the end he used to threaten suicide in order to get his own way with his parents and I. We cut him a lot of slack because of his MH problem, but it was hugely stressful for all of us. I had no idea if he would ever kill himself. I gave him the choice to seek help, through which I would support him all the way or I leave. He half-heartedly saw a psychiatrist but I think he was just humouring me. Anyway I needed a break from all the stress so I went to stay with a friend for a week. Before I left he said if I went he'd kill himself, and then he turned all his phones off. The first night at my friends my mum died of an overdose, we had been NC for years and it was quite a shock. I couldn't reach my ex and I began to panic like crazy. I contacted his folks and they told me not to worry and reassured me he would be fine but he was being an arse.

In the end I had to deal with my mums death on my own, and when I got back after the week he was perfectly fine. The whole saga was the final straw but of course it was all my fault. I had a breakdown myself and it tooks months to get over.

All I know is you can't live in fear of what your DP may or may not do. If someone who has been diagnosed with MH problem then refuses to seek help when they need it then its placing a huge strain on their loved ones.

I hope for you, your family and your DP that he seeks help. But please look after yourself xx

toomanyfionas Sat 13-Jul-13 22:12:07

Well handled.

From your desciption he sounds very depressed. Very hard for you all.

I hope the GP is helpful.

The alcohol will not be helping, it'll worsen his moods. Maybe worth mentioning when he's calm.

SpaceKoala Sat 13-Jul-13 22:00:19

Busy day and didn't find the time to update before now. Dd just off to sleep, way past her bedtime smile
If things were as simple as him being a bastard just because then he would be on the street now. But this all is related to mental health issues.
Dp called me when on way back from the friend. Texted him before that, stating the same as I said over the phone basically. Came down to fact that his behaviour is irresponsible and selfish and if he cannot see that we have a bigger problem.
He called whilst waiting for the bus was crying, not a person to cry easily, and said he didn't know what to do anymore, with regards to his mental health. He seems to see everything negatively and allows this to overpower everything else. Sounds like he may have a depression. Did a bit of research as don't know much about it and it all fits together.
He was very apologetic today, but keeps on zoning out in a way.
We spoke about the reasons for him feeling the way he does. I don't want to list the details on here though.
I told him I can understand that it is difficult but, that he must understand that this does not only affect him but the rest of us as well. He has to start talking to me about things, and seek help. He has been suicidal in the past whilst depressed, this is years before we met. So he would recognise the signs and symptoms. We spoke about all options with regards to help and agreed he will go and see the Gp on Monday.
Today has been a tough day and maybe I am being a fool for believing him, but I believe he is being sincere.
Not talking his behaviour right at all and won't accept this again, depression or not. Said he must seek help as I am not willing to continue life with him like this.
Off to sleep soon as need to catch up on some rest.
Think this message ended up rather jumbled as too tired to think straight, hope it makes sense.
Thanks again to all for support. smile

Sparklysilversequins Sat 13-Jul-13 16:30:00

My ex did this 2 - 3 times a month for about 7 years. Sometimes he wouldn't come home for 5 days at a time. Wouldn't leave. Flat had both our names on so couldn't throw him out. It was horrendous.

TalkativeJim Sat 13-Jul-13 14:18:19

Agreed- don't give him the option to come home.

Pack a bag, put it outside and let him know you've done so. Then take it from there.

He's pushed way beyond acceptable here. He sounds like an absolute sulky bellend, and if you let him get away with this kind of thing, it's going to keep happening. Stamp it out NOW.

Bogeyface Sat 13-Jul-13 11:45:57

Is he planning on coming home at all??

Have to say that I wouldnt give him that option!

Jaynebxl Sat 13-Jul-13 11:02:07

Is he planning on coming home at all??

toomanyfionas Sat 13-Jul-13 09:51:57

I am glad he is safe, but I, too, would be furious.

Sounds like you are doing everything right, taking the dc and dog out is a good plan.

You have had a crap night and I hope your dp is suitably apologetic when he gets home and that you get a rest.

theorchardkeeper Sat 13-Jul-13 09:49:13

Don't say anymore to him. Ignore him as best you can until he's not hungover and you're not so angry then try and re approach the subject.

If he still reacts like a twat that then you have a bigger issue at hand here.

Sorry op. You're not being unreasonable!

CookieDoughKid Sat 13-Jul-13 09:45:24

I would also... When you are calm.. To think about a strategy to nip this in the bud. My dh used to have repeated episodes and I threatened all manner of things. I once sent an sos text alert to everyone in his mobile phone book (I won't say how I got his phone contact lists here!). In the end I threw him and his things out.

From dh point of view at the time, there was no incentive to behave. He got away with it once, its a green light to him and men like him to continue treating you like this.

I only wished I threw dh out a lot earlier. We're fine now and can laugh about it but it was a start of a slippery painful slope and its a real indication that things aren't right between you both. Now my DH won't even dare disappear like that again!!

tallwivglasses Sat 13-Jul-13 08:31:30

I'm glad he's safe. I'm not glad he seems to be thinking he did nothing wrong. Ask him how he'd feel if you'd been out all night with no contact and he had dc to deal with.

SpaceKoala Sat 13-Jul-13 07:14:46

Woke up at 6 and still not home. Sorted dc out and called and phone rang and dp answered so he is ok.
Is at a friends house, don't know the person.
But the bastard got upset with me for saying his behaviour was out of order and put the phone down angry
I did not shout or anything, was very calm and rational.
No longer worried, now fuming!
He can stay there for all I care at the moment.
But got to get dc ready so we can go and give the dog a walk.
Thanks all your support really helps me to see things clear
Oh, and called 101 to update them as well.

saintlyjimjams Sat 13-Jul-13 07:07:03

Walking the dog sounded fine to me?

Is he back yet? He is being v. immature however upset he is.

GettingVerySleepy Sat 13-Jul-13 06:57:23

Don't beat yourself up about leaving your dcs for two minutes to walk the dog as you didn't have a choice. Do you have any friends nearby or family? Hopefully he is back now and really sorry!

DfanjoUnchained Sat 13-Jul-13 06:45:48

Is he back?

thornrose Sat 13-Jul-13 03:29:38

Still no sign, wow! For what it's worth I've seen lots of similar posts here over the years, the " missing person" has always reappeared safely, generally with a shady excuse!

Hope you get back to sleep soon.

Secretswitch Sat 13-Jul-13 03:29:21

Hi SpaceKoala, just wanted to say I'm thinking about you. What a frightful situation to be in. I'm glad you notified the police. Hopefully, your dh will be home safely soon.

AgentZigzag Sat 13-Jul-13 03:28:42

Wow, the police were on the ball, which is reassuring for you.

Hope he turns up soon so you can take the decision of whether to punch him out or hug him to death smile

SpaceKoala Sat 13-Jul-13 03:16:52

Thanks all... Had some sleep until toddler woke. Still no sign of dp.
Called 101 and police came by already. They took some more details and have pictures and will put alerts out.
Will now try and sleep a few more hours.
Thanks all for the support. smile

Just wanted to throw my hand out for you to hold. Hope you get some rest x

tallwivglasses Fri 12-Jul-13 23:23:06

And no more ciggies!

tallwivglasses Fri 12-Jul-13 23:22:08

Yes, been there too. You'd have heard if something was wrong, he's just being a dick. Look after yourself x

Pancakeflipper Fri 12-Jul-13 23:13:43

Try to get some rest. You need to feel bright and on the ball for tomorrow ( when you give him a few choice words for leaving you to worry).

Think the 101 call is a good idea due to their mental health issues.

Hope he appears soon.

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