My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

*warning* potentail triggers - dh

81 replies

whototurnto · 11/07/2013 15:28

I've NC for this, mainly as I'm very worries this would out me.

My dh seems to have started coming out with very random lies that are getting more and more concerning.

Basically, he has always told me his mum beat him from the age of 7. There are a few versions of the reason it started, it was because he stole a pound coin or he got home late from school.
In his teenage years he tried to commit suicide by jumping off a wall, according to him, he claims to have broken most of his joints and his leg, his knees required surgery and his has pins in them. There are no scars on his knees and as this was over 16years ago, im thinking key hole surgery wasn't reallu around then.

He claims he got taken into care at 13. The people who fostered him don't exist, his teacher, who was his saving grace didn't work at the school he went to until 4 years after he left.

He claims his dad stabbed his mum when she was pg with twins... Him and his brother. According to him, his dad stabbed his brother in the head and that's the day he was born. His mother (ice had a few conversations with her before he decided he was not having contact again) has never mentioned this twin, has said that her first husband left her for an ow and has been honest that her eldest may not be her first husbands as she was having an affair herself and yet, she has never mentioned violence or anything.

He claims his sister was abusing him. From the age if 8 to when he left. He says the abuse was sexual but when he told his mum, his sister said it was him and that's why he ended up in care. I have issues with this. Surely the police would have investigated this? That's just one issue.

All the while he talks about this terrible childhood, he also mentions the fact that he went to this holiday park at 10 and tells me all about how him and his siblings used to play in the local park... He was supposedly locked in his room.

I really don't know what to do. If I confront him, it will be me seen as the evil nasty bitch who doesn't believe him.

Any suggestions as to what I could do. I was tempted to report it to the police but I'm petrified it will come back on me.

OP posts:
Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/07/2013 16:17

I've got a lot of questions... sorry.

Does he talk about this a lot ('all the while')? .... or is the list above a compilation of small snippets stretching across many years? Was there a particular start point to these stories or has it been a gradually increase?.... Is there a history of mental illness in the family? Have you worked out if there's a pattern to when/why he tells you these things?.... attention seeking? sympathy? excuses for bad behaviour? competitive 'you think you had it bad'? stress? Does he tell questionable stories about other aspects of life or solely his childhood?

And is 'nasty evil bitch' a phrase he'd actually use towards you, or are you using your own words?

Report
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/07/2013 16:17

How safe do you feel?

I have no idea what this may be, but something is clearly amiss with your DH, and my concern is for you first and foremost.

Report
tightfortime · 11/07/2013 16:24

I'm baffled why he does this and also why you feel you can't put it to him.

Is he scaring you?

Sounds pathological to me - these guys believe their own fantasies

Cigito's questions are valid, please try and answer them to dig a little deeper.

Report
whototurnto · 11/07/2013 16:27

Cogito, he will be mentioning something randomly usually. He has always told me that he had it rough but it has spiralled out over the last 7 months or so (since our baby was born) more like a "x will never go through blah blah" its very odd.

In the last few weeks I've been having a few small issues with my family. My brother has come out and my dad (who he lives with) hasn't taken it too well, so my brother has been spending a lot if time here and when my brother leaves it sometimes comes out.

Nasty, evil bitch is something I've been called previously when I've mentioned his stories don't add up.

HotDAM, I don't know because I'm worried that if he abused his sister then what could he do to me iyswim... I'm really torn.

OP posts:
Report
SlimePrincess · 11/07/2013 16:30

Do you think these are things he believes to be true?

Report
ImperialBlether · 11/07/2013 16:31

Some things you know for a fact are lies, eg the teacher not even being at the school. How do you know this? Were you there? (Not being aggressive! Just trying to figure out the conversation.) If he says something about the teacher, does he know that you know she/he wasn't there then?

Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/07/2013 16:35

OK that helps, thanks. You being preoccupied looking after your new baby and your brother would suggest that these stories are an attention-seeking device. However there may also be some kind of post-stress flash-back element, albeit unreliable, triggered by becoming a father. Did he abuse his sister or did she abuse him? Did I read that wrong the first time?

Whatever the truth, it's not acceptable to be called a nasty, evil bitch for questioning his version of events. If he's been through trauma, he should be seeking professional help to enable him to come to terms with what happened and sort his memories properly. Not abusing you.

Report
HansieMom · 11/07/2013 16:41

You could talk to his mom and sister and get the real version.

Report
whototurnto · 11/07/2013 17:46

I think he does believe them, which really worries me.

I know the teacher wasn't there when he was because I know people who have been to that school and have mentioned in passing and they've conformed she wasn't there. He doesn't know I know that to be the case.

He claims his sister abused him but when he told his.mum, his sister claimed it was him abusing her. It was then he went into care, supposedly.

Hansie, he has gone no contact with his mom and she would tell him if I went to her. I've no idea how to contact his sister. He's not spoken to his sister in years.
He has a child from a previous relationship but he isn't allowed contact. I honestly don't know if this is a lie or truth. Again, its something that has only come up since my pg.

OP posts:
Report
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/07/2013 17:53

He never told you before your pregnancy that he had a child?

Report
Mama1980 · 11/07/2013 18:00

Tbh it sounds to me (no experience in anything of the kind) that he needs professional help. He has anther child that he didn't tell you about?! Alarm bells everywhere I'm afraid. How has he lost contact?
as cognito says no matter what has or hasn't happened he has no right to speak to you in that way.

Report
RoooneyMara · 11/07/2013 18:00

This sounds like a MASSIVE personality disorder and frankyly I would be afraid to continue having any contact at all with someone so utterly delusional.

I think he needs a referral to a psych assessment and go from there/ However this may not be straightforward.

I'd suggest as his wife that you speak to your GP in confidence for some ideas and support. You cannot bring a child up around this scary man. Let alone your own safety being in question.

Sorry oP - you need to get help and get him out of your lives before he does something dangerous.

Report
RoooneyMara · 11/07/2013 18:02

In other words your husband is seriously unwell.

You cannot confront him or help him. He needs professional help and so do you to get to a place of safety, by that I mean, living somewhere where he does not know where you are so it cannot 'come back on you'.

Report
mummytime · 11/07/2013 18:06

I would suggest that you try to do some real investigating.

Maybe talk to SS, and see if they have records on him? Because if he did have a previous child that he is not able to see then I would really want to know why.

He sounds very very worrying.

Report
whototurnto · 11/07/2013 18:37

Cogito, he first mentioned another child at my 12 week scan... I didn't know what to do, I just pretended I hadn't heard him and he mentioned it again when we were discussing feeding. I've tried to probe into why he doesn't see his child but hebjist says he "walked away as the mum wasn't being consistant with contact and it was better for the child"

I will go to the gp next week and see what they say but I'm not sure they will do much.

I will phone ss tomorrow and see what they can do. I don't even think he was in care tbh. He says he went to foster carers who don't exist (ice checked on 192 and there was no one of that name at the address he claims he was fostered at).

I'm just lost as to why he would make up these things.

OP posts:
Report
Optimist1 · 11/07/2013 18:57

Do you trust any of the people you know who attended the same school as him to keep matters confidential? They may be able to shed a bit more light on his background.

I'm afraid I agree with others that there's something psychologically wrong with him, but have no reasonable advice to give as to whether you're likely to be in danger. You are to be congratulated on facing up to this situation and taking steps to deal with it, and I wish you luck.

Report
HansieMom · 11/07/2013 19:00

If he was a sexual abuser, he could have abused his sister as she said, he could have abused his child. Can you get a Criminal background check?

Report
BrianButterfield · 11/07/2013 19:04

You seem to be scared of him anyway - if my DH mentioned another child I wouldn't not bring it up, I'd be absolutely astounded as I know him so well.

Report
ASmidgeofMidge · 11/07/2013 19:05

Reading your post, OP, I wondered whether all this info was like an elaborate smokescreen - ie there's something in his background, maybe that he doesn't want you to know about, but not the things he's mentioned. He's trying to 'throw you off the scent' maybe? Seems v odd behaviour, I agree

Report
ASmidgeofMidge · 11/07/2013 19:06

You may be able to obtain some info from the police under Sarah's law / Claire's law, if you have concerns about his past in terms of offences

Report
whototurnto · 11/07/2013 19:20

What's a criminal record check? Would I be able to get one without him finding out? AFAIK, there was no police investigation into the thing with his sister... Nothing ever mentioned by him and I've never been able to check with his mum as he told me after stopping contact.

I'm scared of the person he is making himself out to be. Because he lies so often, I don't know what to believe. If he tells me that he's Hung washing out, I have to check. I hate leaving our child with him as i don't know what's going to happen. I take her everywhere, even to things like hospital appts and to the shop.

I don't know if I can trust the people who went to his school. There is one woman who was in the same yr but she doesn't really remember much about him, just that he was odd and he was very quiet but always seemed to be with the cool crowd. I've mentioned the care thing to her and she said she had no idea but it could be possible.

I've tried searching for as much information as possible online but I just don't know where to go from here.

Gp and ss, see what they can do.

OP posts:
Report
laeiou · 11/07/2013 19:22

When you look at the whole picture together this is a very worrying situation. What do your friends and family think of him? Have you confided the whole story to anyone in real life ? Well for your own safety and that of your child I hope you get some help. I'd suggest speaking to your GP, HV, organisations like women's aid, anyone and everyone really until you can find someone who can advise you properly.

From the outside it sounds like a possible mental health issue, personality disorder or similar. Whether that's a result of some of the trauma being true, who knows, but irrespective of how much is true and how much is fantasy he's clearly not a stable part of your life. It's actually quite sad and concerning go read this thread. I hope you get some help with it all.

Report
laeiou · 11/07/2013 19:24

Re criminal check- I think the PP was suggesting that you could find out if he has anything in his past that puts you or your baby at risk. Not necessarily whether what you've been told about abuse is true.

Report
Lulabellarama · 11/07/2013 19:26

His name doesn't begin with a K does it?

Report
bugsaway · 11/07/2013 19:27

people can exclude themselves from the 192 search by making their details private - i know this because i do it every year

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.