Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do us girls bother with relationships when they cause so much hassle?

(122 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Wed 10-Jul-13 23:28:35

I think many of us hold out for the ideal love that we see in the films but goodness; this forum has made me wonder 'is it all worth it?''

Things I don't miss about being with a bloke;
Putting up with addictions such as pot.
Having to compromise
Emotional abuse
worrying about being left.
Worrying about unplanned pregnancy.
The bad break-ups.

I don't even miss sex a great deal although I think the intimacy and hugs are nice.

peteypiranha Sat 13-Jul-13 10:48:49

Its easy to stay loved up. If you snog, kiss, touch, hold hands, have lots of sex then you feel lustful towards your partner.

Stresses are easied, and relieved by doing this. Everything seems less stressful when your loved up.

Dahlen Sat 13-Jul-13 10:54:52

I think that's oversimplistic. Yes, the more sex you have the more you tend to want it and it has the added bonus of releasing of oxytocin (the 'bonding' hormone). But it does rather depend on context.

Hard to feel lustful and want to snog if your 'D'P/H/W has just snapped your head off because of tiredness, or left their washing up lying around the living room for you yet again, or even gone off with friends rather than choose to stay in with you?

peteypiranha Sat 13-Jul-13 10:59:05

Why would you dh/dw have to do these things? If you want to go out the one that asks first gets it, unless something important comes up. We take it in turns with chores, but if one night neither of us fancy doing any we just chill out together. Its not like its going anywhere. When your dead whats going to be more important? There arent that many chores in a week, and surely the most important thing is your relationship?

equinox Sat 13-Jul-13 11:05:44

Dahlen I really like the way you write your replies and I do have to say I do agree with all that you say.

peteypiranha Sat 13-Jul-13 11:20:32

The reason why a lot of relationships seem to break up on here is because it seems like a relentless grind for years with no adult time or fun. It doesnt have to be like that there are 168 hours in the week its important there is a good chunk of couple time, and time for each partner individually to see friends/pursue hobbies.

Zynda Sat 13-Jul-13 11:22:57

so much of what passes for love is lust.

it starts of great, the sex is best when you know somebody fairly well, but as soon as you know them well enough to know that they now feel entitled, entitled generally, and hardly see you anymore, want all the old perks they got when they made you feel alive and special, and they think the way to get that back is through sex, without bothering to make any effort!! it's madness. If they LOVED you they'd make the effort and of course sometimes that happens but if it was only ever lust it's the end.

I'm a decent interesting person and nobody 'loves' be because I guess I'm not young and pretty so 'love' it hardly exists I sometimes think. I love my children.

Dahlen Sat 13-Jul-13 15:05:20

Thanks equinox smile

petey - do you honestly think anyone on here is going to disagree with that? Of course they're not. But here's the thing - unless both people put that effort in, it doesn't work. No matter how much effort you make, and no matter how much you try to encourage your partner to do the same, if they don't want to they won't. No matter how hard you try, if only one person makes the effort, the relationship will suffer.

Most people fall somewhere on the spectrum between consideration for others and completely self-absorbed. None of us are perfect, a few are downright selfish. Most of us somewhere between, sliding up and down the scale as different life events affect us. In your world everyone is considerate of the other's feelings and is prepared to put in the same effort as the one they expect from the other partner. That's the ideal, sure, but it's certainly not an accurate reflection of RL relationships.

peteypiranha Sat 13-Jul-13 15:27:56

Of course but then that comes down to who people select in the first place.

Dahlen Sat 13-Jul-13 21:23:01

THe world is full of nice people who thought their partners were similarly minded but turned out not to be.

feelingvunerable Sat 13-Jul-13 21:32:40

Good point Dahleen.

I am struggling at the moment.

Dh and I have recently separated after dh decided he wanted "freedom", and left the family home.

Turns out he is depressed. We only discovered this at my insistence that he see someone over his erratic behaviour.

We have been together a long time and I don't put our problems down to my lack of good selection.
I have tried to make it work, but unless dh puts the effort in, then my choices are this:

Put up with it, or permanently separate.
What I would actually like to happen is that dh puts me and his dcs first. This is what I do.

feelingvunerable Sat 13-Jul-13 21:36:34

Oh yes and when we took our marriage vows, in church, I don't remember it only being me who vowed to forsake all others and to love and to cherish.

My dh has admitted that the vast majority of our problems are entirely down to him. Maybe this is all linked to his depression.

FastLoris Sat 13-Jul-13 22:25:18

Isn't a large part of the answer to the OP, the fact that women need financial support to facilitate having and raising babies?

Dearjackie Sat 13-Jul-13 22:58:08

What is it with men and inexplicable silent treatment?
I have found its usually related to sex

yetanotherstatistic Sun 14-Jul-13 00:04:41

I have had 3 serious relationships. One lasted 2 yrs but he called off the engagement as he had fallen for someone else. Had a period of being happily single then met a great guy who I spent a decade with until we decided that we wanted different things in life. Still friends but would never get back together. Had a few more years happily single until I met someone who I thought was my soulmate.

Rolling on a few years I am now a single parent. The guy I had adored turned out to be a cocklodger, a persistent liar and womanizer. I am surrounded by women who are tolerating faithless husbands for various reasons, mainly financial or not wanting to be single again.

I have provided for myself all my adult life so don't have a financial imperative to be with someone. I miss having someone to share things with, relax with and have fun with. I miss the intimacy.

What I don't miss is the lying, betrayal and contempt. I have never nagged as I hate the idea of forcing someone into doing something - it just lessens my opinion of them. I don't believe in being joined at the hip. I try to treat someone the way I want to be treated myself. I'm definitely not high maintenance.

The older I get the less I think my attitude to relationships ends in a mutually happy and respectful union. The long term relationships that I see all seem to involve either persistent nagging, or demanding to be put on a pedestal or finding ways to live with infidelity. None of this has any appeal.

I can't see me ever wanting to give up the many joys of singledom for what I miss from a relationship which I think are often just an illusion.

Bant Sun 14-Jul-13 01:21:16

I think it's the 'Happily Ever After' which is misleading. Many people on this thread have said that things start out well, then when there is a major life change, or after a certain period of time, things go sour. People fall out of love, get bored, just grow out of the other partner - sometimes it's just one of them, sometimes it's mutual. But often people just keep trying to hold things together because they were expecting to spend the rest of their life with the same person, they'd made vows, it was best for the kids etc..

Wouldn't it be better if people just met, agreed they wanted to spend the next 5, 10 years together, support each other and had kids, and then if they both want to they could renew it at the end of that.

Then they would be prepared for a potential separation, would take honestly about it, go to counseling, whatever, but things wouldn't break down so much and people wouldn't be left adrift and with their world blown apart if things didn't renew.

I think people might be happier that way, overall.

Rummikub Sun 14-Jul-13 01:51:26

Bant, my friend and I had the very same idea. You could just walk away after 10 years, no fault, no blame, see ya! Or you could commit for another 5, 10 years. Sensible I think.

comingintomyown Sun 14-Jul-13 07:45:39

Like a long term lease grin

Zynda Sun 14-Jul-13 09:16:46

except 7 years is often the point at which there's just no fooling yourself it's working any more. I have noticed on here, so may threads, so many posters left after 7 years together. it can be married for four, lived together for 5, met 7 years ago, but so often it implodes after seven years, so can you shorten that long term lease grin

peteypiranha Sun 14-Jul-13 10:23:41

I cant say I want a long term lease. If you want a divorce people can get one as it is. A long term lease would be no good if you hqve children, as if you have children you are tied together for life anyway.

It shouldnt be any effort, regardless of years together. You shouldnt have to nag, demand or put up with infidelity as yetanotherstatistic states. I think if people want to be single thats fine, but most of these are worlds away from what I have found relationships to be like.

MadeMan Sun 14-Jul-13 12:53:58

I read an article once that likened relationships to starting your own business and that you wouldn't want to go into business with someone who wasn't prepared to put an equal amount of time and effort into it; otherwise the chances are it would be doomed to fail.

I suppose if you wanted to be cynical about relationships and strip away all the lust and romance then the article made a good point. I mean, what is romance anyway? A single red rose sold from a plastic bucket for 2 quid by an eastern european at the traffic lights?? A 10 pounds dine in for two meal offer "only at your M&S"???

Zynda Sun 14-Jul-13 19:12:10

yeh, if it won't last, and that's a scientific fact, it makes more sense to choose somebody who is as decent, good humoured and as good company as your female friends are.

Zynda Sun 14-Jul-13 19:13:40

Even if he does not resemble Rob Lowe?
My x was very handsome and after I grew to hate him for his selfishness, his laziness, his lack of respect and his meanness, his good looks cancelled themselves out because when I looked at him I just saw the very reason for his sense of entitlement. That's all I saw when I looked at him in the end. Entitlement.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now