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I didn't sign up for this

(48 Posts)
FeegleFion Wed 10-Jul-13 19:01:10

Please forgive any disjointed waffling. This will most likely be long. Please stick with me.

I need to stress, I know 100% there is nobody else.

ExP woke up 18 days ago and casually announced he no longer loved me and he left.

I have a 14 yr old DD from a previous r.ship and we have a 7 month old DS.

I haven't seen him since he left but agreed that he could pick DS up from my sister and DBIL the following weekend. (I didn't trust myself to beg him to come home and I refuse).

He dropped DS back at my sis and that was 10 days ago. Since then he's only asked after our baby twice and on both occasions, it was initiated by my contact with him.

I've been getting angrier and more upset as every day has passed and eventually, yesterday, I sent a text saying I was so sad and really upset that he's showing no interest in the baby. He replied saying DS is the most important thing in the world to me...I need my DJ equipment.

He's not a professional DJ, it's his passion.

I was fuming at this response and told him he'd gain access when it was convenient to me.

Within the hour, he was banging on my door for his equipment and I didn't answer as I wasn't having this in front of DS. I was livid.

In all that time where was the passion for our beautiful baby?

I'm bereft. He's a stranger to me. But I'm so unhappy. I don't want to be a single parent again. I've been left with all the responsibility of the family he discarded.

I'm being treated for PND and I believe I have PTSD (another story but related to birth and immediately after). And I have no support other than my teen daughter, who I try not to put on but I rely on her to see to the baby while I wash/ sterilise/ make bottles, make dinner, go to the bloody toilet!

I had no idea ExP was unhappy. Lets just say he must be an excellent actor, as I never saw it coming and the first I heard was when he left.

I'm struggling to get my head around it. I know he wants his responsibility free, party days back and I believe he's let his family down.

I have wondered why it is that it's so easy for men to throw the towel in on something so bloody important. What would the people around us have thought/ said if I'd walked away without a backward glance from my family?

I'm so frustrated. Please hold my hand,

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 09:07:24

" I just need the stupid heart to catch up."

There will come a point - shortly I hope - when you will stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will feel absolutely furious. That's the point when you'll start to recover. You have to feel the anger in your heart as well as your head.

When I said you can't make anyone stop loving you, this is a case in point. He's done this appalling thing and, eighteen days on, you're still defending and trying to rationalise his behaviour. It's very tough to switch love off so, whatever he's been saying and however he's been acting, he didn't just wake up one morning feeling this way, he's spent quite a long time mulling it over and reaching a decision. You're just the last to know.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:12:13

I'm not naive I'm well aware what could be but it's really improbable rather than impossible.

It isn't helpful in the slightest to anyone to say your opinion is being realistic. It isn't realistic, it's speculation and easy to throw out there to explain almost any situation in which a partner leaves.

Realistically, an OW is a possibility, unlikely though. Realistically, he could be overwhelmed by his responsibility, he could be an immature, self-serving arse who thinks he can easily slot back into his stress free pre-baby party lifestyle with only his needs to consider, realistically he may be experiencing depression, and realistically it could be any or none of the above.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:15:42

I've been living on anger Cogito but I know exactly what you're saying makes perfect sense.

I suppose I'm sad and sorry that the dream shattered suddenly.

I'm doing a lot better than I appear to be, here. mostly

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 09:17:32

The only 'real' you've got to work with is that he's gone, says he doesn't love you and isn't bothered with the family either. His motives could be anything and nothing... you may never even answer that question. I also thought it was highly unlikely my exH had an OW. He was no oil-painting, had a tendency to melancholy and didn't seem to have much in the way of opportunity to shag around. He also left because he suddenly 'didn't love me any more'. It's almost a cliché...

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:24:49

Exactly, I'll work with what I have and quite honestly, my life is rich. I have the better 'deal' here and I'm under no illusions that I am blessed.

I've been through this before and it's probably because of that fact that despite being sad that it's come to this, I know it will pass and there is happiness ahead.

I was single for years before him. We were friends for a couple of years before we became a couple and I know I'm grieving for a lost friendship as well as my relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 09:26:30

You'll be OK.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:28:06

I guess today is a strong day grin

To be honest, his shite attitude makes it easier for me. I can work with anger and frustration. I just really need to make sure I speak with my GP as I don't want to hit a massive low at the very time my DC need me to be at my best.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 09:31:08

I know Cogito but please believe me when I tell you that I appreciate you saying it.

I feel MN is my support system at the moment and I do appreciate the support and the time you all take to reach out.

theorchardkeeper Thu 11-Jul-13 09:41:04

I feel like I've failed to keep the family together and failed my DC as a consequence

he failed. Him alone. For whatever selfish reason he literally left you holding the baby. That in itself should show you that he wasn't worth a tenth of you to start with. Don't feel bad that you didn't see it coming or prevent it...he didn't want you to.

In a way, it's easier that he's a grade A selfish twunt because it's easier to just think 'bugger you' and get on with things.

This will pass and we're here until it does and beyond. Just do your best to forget about him...every time you feel yourself going round in angry imaginary-conversation circles with him in your head just get up and do something, anything to distract yourself. It won't last forever and one day you'll find you just don't care any more. Until then concentrate on keeping yourself well for your DCs and taking any help you can get, even if it's just posting on here for a bit of support.

Every little helps and plenty of people on here have been through the same and can talk to you from the 'other side' of all this smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 09:44:05

Are you sure about the GP? Your 14yo probably knows all about heartbreak either personally or via friends. So if you crumble occasionally, I don't think she'll freak out or see it as you letting her down. And your baby is the thing that can fully focus your attention in a positive way, leaving you less mulling time to feel upset.

theorchardkeeper Thu 11-Jul-13 09:49:03

^ and agree with C .

It's not going to do them irreparable damage to see you cry once in a while or show the odd sign of heartbreak. It's normal and as long as you're not having a full on breakdown then try not to worry too much.

FeegleFion Thu 11-Jul-13 10:20:18

Orchard thank you. I've not been able to cry yet. The anger and frustration I'm feeling is my energy right now and I'm thankful for it.

My DD is an amazingly mature young woman and I am bloody blessed I have her. I'm also extremely lucky that the baby is a very happy boy, it makes it so much less stressful.

Cogito I'm don't understand your question about me speaking with my GP. Sorry if I'm missing it.

theorchardkeeper Thu 11-Jul-13 10:29:41

Anger can certainly be a fuel in some cases!

My mum was an LP and I remember 'being there' for her sometimes when she had the odd moment (they were quite rare as she's generally quite strong) and I never felt like it was too much for me or like I shouldn't have to deal with it. It's just the way it was sometimes and it just showed she was human and hurting. I never thought much more of it than that so try not to worry about it too much.

Glad you have a happy baby, they do make things easier! (And make a good distraction) smile

RalphGnu Thu 11-Jul-13 10:32:09

Rubbish at advice, Feegle, but I'm great at hand holding. I'm sorry you're going through this. sad

Jan45 Thu 11-Jul-13 10:36:32

You will be fine, he's not for you, he's not good enough, let him deal with his own emotions when it comes to his baby, that's between him and his conscience, you can't make him do anything. I do agree though that men seem to be able to walk away a lot easier than women, can you imagine if they could give birth, there'd be abandoned babies everywhere.

You are doing a fantastic job and have a lovely daughter to help you, you will be fine. The anger will eventually go and you will realise you are well rid. I would also wonder if there's AW on the scene, he sounds like a total coward tbh.

FeegleFion Fri 12-Jul-13 01:07:13

Thanks everyone!

orchard he wakes every morning with a massive grin then proceeds to tell me all about what happened in his dreams. The way he babbles is so cute. He looks very proud of himself grin

Ralph I'm really only looking for support. Thank you. I'm extremely grateful. grin

Jan that's also a very kind post. I do feel I'll see the trees sooner than later. I'm extremely blessed and the only way is up! grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Jul-13 06:00:06

About the GP I meant, don't be too keen to go the anti-depressant route

AndMiffyWentToSleep Fri 12-Jul-13 06:29:01

Hey, Feegle, I remember you.
You seem very strong and together - I'm sure there will be ups and downs but as you said yourself, you can do it!

FeegleFion Fri 12-Jul-13 07:19:26

Cogito I've been prescribed AD's for PND. I'm already taking them. I also think I'm suffering PTSD and I just think it's prudent to chat to my GP to let him know I'm dealing with this additional stress.

Miffy I remember you too. grin I'll get there. My wobbles are very few and far between. I don't really have time to indulge. I mostly feel really strong and positive for the future. I can't not feel positive, I'm left looking at two amazing DC and that's what I need to focus on. Thanks flowers

FeegleFion Sun 14-Jul-13 15:51:29

So, we eventually sat down and begun discuss things.

He admitted he'd been unhappy for a while and explained I seemed short tempered a lot of the time since giving birth. He felt that we'd lost 'us' and had become just 'parents'.

He held his hands up and was able to say that he needs to be able to communicate better and I suggested we go to Relate to find a way for us both to communicate better and he thought that was a sound suggestion.

We talked long into the night and we both think what we have is too much to abandon without exhausting every avenue trying.

So, that's where we are and we are committed to investing in rebuilding our breakdown of communication.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reach out to me. flowers

AndMiffyWentToSleep Mon 15-Jul-13 11:38:13

Oh Feegle, I'm so pleased.
Fingers crossed for the future!

Hopasholic Tue 16-Jul-13 20:36:27

Pleased to hear that Feegle smile

Wish you both well. flowers

FeegleFion Tue 16-Jul-13 21:44:07

Thanks Miffy and Hop smile

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