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Oh god. Why did I hit send?

(62 Posts)
chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 10:14:58

I've just sent an email to my ex calling him a useless self-interested prat and an utter dick of a non-resident parent.

WHY did I hit send? Usually I'm so considered and just let it roll off me like so much nonsense. He just makes my blood boil sometimes.

He doesn't want to contribute more than £25 for school uniform for a year, because it should all come from a supermarket and I should know how to budget better.

I don't even care about the money, I knew he wouldn't bother. It's just the selfish, pompous crap he spouts all the time about what a brilliant dad he is, but when it comes to anything that you might reasonably expect two parents to discuss, compromise or agree on, he treats me like a bloody servant/idiot/unpaid childminder of no consequence whatsoever.

I could happily never see him again in my life.

Only another 18 years to go sad

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 12:22:42

he uses 'we' a lot when he's trying to tell me how to behave, and he uses 'we' when he feels the need to tell me what great co-parent's we (him and OW) are when they spend time with the boys. How the two of them are able to agree on all the important decisions such as discipline etc 6 days a month

I wonder how much she agrees with frankly, and how much she accepts because she's 'just' the 'step mum' now, and he's in charge?

GladbagsGold Wed 10-Jul-13 12:23:33

He is clearly unhinged and I don't blame you for telling him.

But much more importantly


PostBellumBugsy Wed 10-Jul-13 12:26:26

PBB ladles out truck loads of sympathy. You could be me Choco! I could have written your posts almost verbatim. Makes my blood boil too. I know that 8 years on from the divorce ex-H is underpaying massively - but just trying to summon the energy to do battle with him again.
Ignore the stupid clog popping thing. Suspect it is an attempt to look involved & caring - but actually another diversionary tactic. He has no intention of doing anything but wants you to sweat buckets sorting it all out.

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 12:28:59

Thank you Gold! and PBB the sympathy is very welcome today. I suspect it's too early to open a bottle of something so I am going to have a sneaky emergency fag breath of fresh air to clear my head

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

SO hard to do isn't it?

ImperialBlether Wed 10-Jul-13 12:37:47

I'd say "I don't think you can get a life assurance policy that would cover you for as little as £25 per year."

Oh and don't do anything for Father's Day, birthday or Christmas for him from now on. He's got a gf (poor sod) - she can organise anything like that.

nickymanchester Wed 10-Jul-13 12:40:36


''we have a regular contact arrangement and I made a CSA claim''

I'm a bit confused here. Is stbxh paying you the CSA rate? If so, then that is to cover clothes as well.

So, he is paying you the CSA rate and then paying for extra things on top of this and you are complaining about that? hmm

Leaving aside whether the CSA rates are equitable or not - which is a different argument - he appears to be offering you more than he legally has to. If this is the situation, would you mind explaining what the problem is?

bobbywash Wed 10-Jul-13 12:40:59

Just an aside and one for which I expect a flaming, but....

If (and from your post it's an if) he is paying maintenance at an amount assessed by the CSA, then under their crap structure, that is all he is obliged to pay. He may therefore see you asking for more money as your failure to budget. Laughably the money is meant to go towards the childrens living costs, including clothing, uniform etc.

He may just be too thick to realise it costs more than that

flippinada Wed 10-Jul-13 12:59:08

Completely understand where you are coming from choco. That is all. And happy birthday for tomorrow.

As a veteran single parent who has been through the mill, can I just point out that a) twenty five quid is not going to cover school uniform for a year, even if you get everything second hand and b)csa claim doesn't necessarily mean you will get any money?

cls77 Wed 10-Jul-13 13:10:39

Choco - I only arrived here yesterday (and wished I had 11 months ago!) my ex is identical to how yours is behaving. Especially the EA and FA history, and the fact that he always has to have another adult nearby (usually his Gran!) to feel that he is doing his bit. My dd starts secondary in september and her uniform which had to be bought directly from the school last week cost £145 - including PE kit. This doesnt even include shoes, coat, stationary etc, let alone usual costs! I wish I didnt have to ask him for anything at all, but like you I pay for everything and try my bloody hardest!
Have a fab day tomorrow and know that your children love you dearly more than any card could show, and when they are old enough, they will make the most beautiful and amazing pictures, cards and memories that the total arse of an ex couldnt ever come close to!

EldritchCleavage Wed 10-Jul-13 13:26:15

Ok, listen. He is obviously arsewipe supreme.

Judges are more canny than people like him think. The facts: you pay all school fees and expenses. He would not give more than £25 towards it all, an offer later withdrawn.

That shouts verrrryyy loudly to any outsider that he is a mean, petty, selfish shit who lets you do all the hard work of parenting while he blathers.

Print all those emails out now.

nickymanchester Wed 10-Jul-13 13:32:35

I think that you will also have to face the fact that he obviously disagrees with you intending to pay to send DS to a private school.

Budgeting for sending DCs to a private school means being aware that uniforms cost considerably more than in the state sector on average.

Of course, you are quite right to send DS to a fee paying school if you can afford it and want to.

But, I would suggest, that you have chosen to take on all these extra fees yourself and that, then going to stbxh and being annoyed that he only wishes to contribute an extra 25 quid when he doesn't appear to agree with sending DS to a fee paying school anyway does seems a bit much to me.

PoppyField Wed 10-Jul-13 13:54:35

Oh give it a rest nickymanchester - the woman can vent. Of course he disagrees! He disagrees with everything.

This is Mumsnet - not a magistrates' court and, I would suggest, he is an abusive arse. That is the key thing here.

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 10-Jul-13 13:54:43

Ah yes, because he didn't chose the school, he can now opt out of all matters to do with it.

Whether its state or private, a school uniform costs more than £50 a year. He just won't contribute because she wants him too.

Keep your head up choco. He is still full of anger and resentment despite everything going his way - funny that!

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 14:33:08

I hear what people are saying about CSA = paying what he is legally due.

That's why I acknowledged that I shouldn't have bothered to ask for more. I do think that there is something wrong with seeing the legal minimum of support that a NRP is obliged to provide for their children as somehow representing exactly what their children need, all of the time, in all circumstances.

I accept that he disagrees with paying for the school, but he is still delighted with our DS going there. As long as I pay for it, which I have agreed to do and accepted 100% is simply the way it's going to be. I guess I made the fatal mistake of thinking he would appreciate something about how hard I'm working to give our kids a decent start, and in some small way he might want to contribute.

There is never going to be anything fair or equitable about the way my family has separated. We aren't ever going to share parenting, or residence or finances wrt our kids. I think my biggest mistake today was forgetting that for long enough to remember how utterly unjust it all feels, resulting in a pretty harsh reminder that this is a 'suck it up' situation.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and reminded me that the kids will thanks me later, because I did need reminding and they are worth it. I would work twice as hard to give them a good start - so that's what I'll focus on. Channel my frustration into being even more determined to show them what they mean to me, and stick two fingers up to him in the process!

bloody twunt.

hevak Wed 10-Jul-13 14:48:16

Hello Choco, I've been following your threads. Hope the divorce goes through quickly for you smile

My mum's friend paid for her two girls to go to private school (on a teacher's wage) while her arsehole, abusive, cheated on her and left her for the OW XH claimed he couldn't afford to contribute to the school fees (even though he was a financial planner hmm ) - her bloody XH used to boast to people about the top school his DDs were attending, while omitting the fact that he wasn't paying a penny for it! angry

You can bet everyone else knew that their Mum was paying for it all out of her own pocket possibly because my mother told absolutely everyone about this example of his shitty behaviour even though her friend was too dignified to mention it and now the girls are grown up they have very little to do with their father (who can't understand why his DDs don't dote on their "wonderful" father hmm ) - it will all be okay in the end. You have been a star throughout and your boys will always know it! smile

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 14:59:24

thank you hevak smile

lazarusb Wed 10-Jul-13 17:02:05

Him representing himself won't go in his favour unless he is trained legally. The law is complex and he may find out in court that he doesn't understand it as well as he thinks he does grin Enjoy that!

akaWisey Wed 10-Jul-13 19:44:42

yeah, I had all that kind of thing and more post separation choc.

I just ignore his texts, his emails go straight to the trash can, and I still managed to get divorced and a financial settlement without talking to him unless I wanted to - his wants just weren't important.

Agree with the grubby feeling though - the mere thought makes me want to get the bleach out grin.

GeekLove Wed 10-Jul-13 20:49:29

If he is representing himself then you don't even have to hand him the rope!

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 20:53:35

akaWisey, that sounds great - I will take a leaf!

skyeskyeskye Wed 10-Jul-13 21:11:35

hi Choco.. your Twunt doesn't get any better does he.... and never will... One thing that came out of my counselling was to accept that you cannot change the way that somebody else behaves

i.e. I cannot make my XH see his DD more than once a fortnight, or make him ring once a week.... It is hard, but when you accept that they are never going to change it removes a bit of stress.

My twunt pays around the CSA mark, and he did agree to pay for half of the school uniform, although he did try to backtrack on it.

What I did was to list everything that I bought, all from supermarkets apart from Clarks school shoes. The shoes alone were £32. You may not be able to get any more out of him, but maybe you could list everything that you buy and send him a copy, just for his information, although it probably won't get you anywhere. I emailed my twunt the spreadsheet and he did cough up half of it. I am going to do the same again this year, as he recently cut his money by £10 a week.

Yes you can get it cheap from supermarkets, but when they need 3 or 4 of everything, it does add up. Add to that PE kit, a decent winter coat, winter boots, trainers, wellies, socks, vests, pants etc and it does all soon mount up. I spent £180 on kitting her out with everything for the whole term, all as cheaply as I could. Since then she has grown like hell and I have had to spend more, which I have not asked him for.

as for your Twunt trying to represent himself in court, well he could make a fatal mistake that would cost him thousands, wouldn't that be a shame grin

regarding guardians etc for the DC, I must admit, that I have appointed my cousin as guardian for my DD and asked that XH do the same if I go before him. He said he would consider it, but never got back to me on it. The guardian has no rights as the NRP would presumably have the DC to bring up, but you can appoint a guardian as somebody to consult over things.

LizaTarbucksAuntie Wed 10-Jul-13 21:16:55

Poppyfield - thank you, but you wouldn't say that if you were here right now as 6 years down the line I'm finally facing the prospect of being in Court for maintenance tomorrow morning.

My ex-cocknose is an arsewipe though, he always will be and he has no bloody idea what happens here on a daily basis and I've learnt that until he bothers to find out he doesn't deserve me sweating over his opinion of me.

PoppyField Wed 10-Jul-13 21:33:13

Good luck Liza. Keep on going, be strong, be relentless. He is obviously a total shit and not worthy of licking your boots. You are running uphill. Makes me cross. Stay strong is all you can do.

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 21:37:45

I think you've hit the nail on the head Liza... they don't ask, they don't deserve to know, and we are the ones who are here on a daily basis. I have bent over backwards for a year and a half to include him on a personal daily basis with our children. He's out, he's been out for a long, long time - by his own choice I might add. And now I am over it. Time to accept that the only parent the kids can rely on is me. Anything extra is a bonus for them, and inconsequential for me.

LizaTarbucksAuntie Wed 10-Jul-13 21:44:23

Bang on Choco, and you have the kids, you are the one they want when they are poorly or sad, YOU are the one that can give them the comfort they need. Bollocks to him. YOU are the one being the parent here.

Hope you have a fab birthday, find a way to celebrate your new dawn as part of your day. I'll be thinking of you x

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